The High Status Male

By Guest Writer Christian Hudson

Guys, here’s a simple fact of life:

Dj’s get all the girls!

But here’s the real question… is it possible for YOU to learn how to possess this same kind of mojo and peel some of this action off for yourself?

A few years ago, I got into DJ’ing as a hobby.  As someone who used to love playing video games, and who loves music even more, it was like a perfect marriage.  Something about composing fun mixes on a device that’s basically a Fisher Price toy for grown up boys… many nights were spent figuring out how to pump out the jams on my VCI-300.

For most nascent DJ’s, the first few months are solitary.  There were nights when I’d be up until 3 or 4 AM, learning the songs, the points to come in and out, which songs worked well with which songs.  Like the mad scientist who made the accidental discovery that sulfur is the missing ingredient to make rubber pliable,  I’d never have guessed that “Take On Me” and “In Da Club” blend together perfectly, until I was playing around with 89-92 bpm songs late one winter night.

The first few performances are nerve-wracking, and going from bedroom DJ, to performer… it’s all about being able to pay attention to the crowd and having the sense to know if you need to loop the chorus one more time because they’re loving it so much, or if it’s time to totally change things up.

And when you start to get really good… when you drop 5, 10, 20 songs in a row, and EVERY one of them hits because you’re just that tuned into the crowd, and they’re just that tuned into you, well… the girls want to be a part of the magic you’re creating.  Once she’s behind the booth, there are a ton of little tricks you can do, games you can play, easy ways to “teach her” how to DJ (and sneak in a kiss along the way).  But it all starts with those lonely 3AM practice sessions.

At an abstract level, digital DJ’ing isn’t too different than playing video games.  You practice hitting a bunch of buttons in succession, and moving some analog controllers, in order to get something on your computer screen to do something you want it to do.

But there are three significant differences.

1.) DJ’ing is creative. Perhaps not as much of an art form as songwriting, but it’s YOUR expression, good or bad.  Video games aren’t about creating, they’re about consuming; in this case, consuming the problems sets and reaction tests that the developers have created for you.

2.) Once you step beyond the bedroom, DJ’ing is a social hobby. You’re out performing in front of people, engaged with people, and showing them a good time.  Video Games are generally anti-social, and while the Wii, Xbox Live and Farmville have gone a long ways to making them more social activities, they’re generally things you do with no more than a few other people while you’re sitting on a couch.

3.) DJ’ing is so active that it’s inter-active. High energy levels, people dancing… it’s very different from the more relaxed nature of gaming.  And yes, I know that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 can be hair-raising if you’re playing it, but if you’re just watching two of your friends try the air cover mission again and again, it’s only a few points more exciting than Friends reruns.

Now listen, I don’t want to hate on video games.  Plants Vs. Zombies led to two of the most enjoyable wasted days of my life.  But I do want to point out how two activities with similar “mechanics” can have profoundly different effects on your attractiveness.  Whether you’re a DJ, an avid gamer, or neither, this stuff falls under a term we call Passive Value.   It’s how a woman would describe you to her friends.

Like it or not, there are some elements of passive value that are more attractive than others.  In general…

- someone who Creates is more attractive someone who Consumes.

- someone who is Social is more attractive than someone who is Solitary.

And the guys who are “9’s and 10’s” – the guys every woman wants – they tend to score highly in the passive value category.  Even a dirt-poor man can score major points if his photography is a thing of beauty.

One way of thinking about all of this might be to call it “lifestyle”, but the way the term is used in the dating community it has a rather narrow definition. This isn’t merely about whether you have a lot of friends or not.  Passive Value is a lot broader… and a lot more reflective of who YOU are as a person.

And it’s merely one of the elements of attractiveness that you’re going to learn how to expand dramatically in my Unbreakable program.  Unbreakable lays out a blueprint on how to become a 9 or a 10 in the eyes of women… so much so that your confidence becomes natural and instinctive… so that you won’t just “get” attraction from her, but that she’ll BE ATTRACTED to you.  Take a look:

Unbreakable

We get fantastic testimonials every day… if you look on my Facebook wall today, you’d see the guy who wrote this:

“Hey Nick and Christian, I just want to say Unbreakable totally changed my life. Three thumbs up!”

I know you’re gonna love it.

Christian Hudson
Author: B4UTXTHER, Conquer Your Campus, Becoming Unbreakable

You’re at the corner Gas-N-Go doing some mindless chore when suddenly you find yourself face-to-face with a little cutie who’s gazing back at you with that glassy, wide-eyed look that all us guys with one track minds love to see.  You smile and make some ridiculous remark about something totally pointless, but she lights up anyway and gives you a rockin’ return smile.  You maybe even get a flash of that doe-eyed, “take me” look.  Pre-occupied with the weighty decision of Cheesy Poofs vs. Raw Onion Crunchies however, you have no time to humor her along any further.

So after this brief but enlightening exchange of pleasantries you turn away and ignore her.  You then spot the girl a few minutes later while up at the counter checking out, but now she won’t even look at you — or she gives you that quick “too bad” look and vanishes into the parking lot.  A few minutes later while driving back home you think to yourself… “Geez, was that chick flirting with me or what?…”

And so it goes… another unlikely SURPRISE chance to hook up with a hot little number shot down the tubes.  All because you either forgot in the moment or don’t actually even know how to respond to a sudden flirt that sneaks up on you.  Hey, been there my friend… this used to happen to me ALL the time! Not all that frequently mind you (ha!… I wish) — but whenever I DID happen to stumble across a surprise flirt like this the result was always the same… down in flames!

That’s because my response to a flirt that sandbagged me was always predictable: complete and total lock-up. A perfectly juicy opportunity lost forever — something to grit my teeth over later on that night when I think about it over and over again, wondering what I could’ve done differently.

I have thought about this problem in depth and I’ve tried to look at it logically and without emotion as much as possible.  Here’s what I think: that a lot of this failure to engage can be chalked up to simple DISBELIEF even more than fear. Disbelief in the sense that by the time the gravity of the situation sinks in past my cynical BS filter and I realize… “hey, this chick is flirting with me!” the magical moment is gone and the opportunity lost.

I talk in my books about how your best chances to meet great women will often seem to happen “out of the blue” when you least expect them.  This is why I believe that an absolutely critical social skill when it comes to being good with women is the ability to switch mental gears and spring into action at the VERY FIRST SIGN that a chick might dig you!  Don’t waste time pondering why this could be happening or anything else, just act!  Go ahead and connect with her FIRST and get her number or e-mail or whatever you can, and THEN sort out all your anxieties later.  You know, all those useless academic questions such as: “would this girl be compatible with me”, or “what’s wrong with her that she’s flirting with me?…”

Alright then, with this basic idea now firmly established let me share a few of my thoughts on this ONE particular maddening aspect of gaming women: the surprise flirt.

1)  Don’t Freeze-Up wondering why YOU could be her guy. The single biggest killer in this situation is hesitation.  Like so much of the sport of gaming women, timing is everything.  However, in this situation minutes don’t matter, SECONDS matter.  When a chick opens a sudden flirt you literally have a window of opportunity available to you that’s measured in mere seconds.  You should almost see a ten second counter open up over her head that immediately begins running down  9….8….7…. to remind you of how little time you have to act in a way that plays perfectly off her opening volley.

The big mental block here is a defeatist self-image of yourself as not being “flirting material” or “worthy” like Wayne and Garth or whatever.  But while you’re wondering why a chick this cute would actually be flirting with a lowlife such as yourself, precious seconds are tick, tick, ticking away -- and with it goes your chance to score a number!

Therefore:

MAJOR FLIRTING RULE #1: If she’s not immediately seeing the reaction that she was hoping to see from you, (that you are socially skilled enough to respond to a flirt) the woman will almost always take this as an immediate rejection!  Once that happens she will pull back (I’ve actually seen them physically snap back) and the flirt is OVER.  Women have no tolerance for rejection, and will rarely ever try to bull their way through it like a guy would.  Therefore, you must be very careful to seem IMMEDIATELY open and accepting of her offer to flirt around with you, and take up the verbal volley with good humor!

MAJOR FLIRTING RULE #2: You never know what any other person in the world considers to be their “type”, so don’t let the question of what “she” might see in lil’ ol’ “you” even cross your mind for an instant.  Who cares?  You’ve seen tons of hot chicks hooked up with gross, grubby dudes, haven’t you?  Just accept her judgement and GO WITH IT!  No over-thinking of what’s going on — no suspicion of motives, no paranoia, no disbelief. None of that junk must be allowed to intrude into your mind at this critical moment when you’re “on the clock”.  That crap will only result in a freeze-up, and once that happens it’s game-over.

2)  A Sudden Flirt is always your chance to shine. It doesn’t matter if your silly little joke is lame or if your words are stuttering or smooth (or even exactly WHAT you say to her) — the important thing is that you are attempting to react to her gift of a flirt in a positive way that reflects those good feelings right back at her.  You are playing the game!  Your willingness to pick up a flirt speaks volumes about yourself… and it’s all good stuff! It says that you are active socially (and therefore something of a catch), that you have good self-esteem, you’re pleasant around people AS A REFLEX, and so on.

This is the best way to communicate these sorts of qualities to women… with your ACTIONS rather than your bragging BS words!

Think of it this way: you’ve been given the opportunity to put yourself over with a deliberate charm rather than being forced to apply a load of “pick up artist” blather — and you should always SEIZE this type of chance with enthusiasm because they doesn’t come by too often.  A woman initiating a flirt is taking a big personal risk to give you a fat GO signal in the only way that she knows how — admittedly a bit awkward and the entire “surprise” thing is somewhat unfair — but unfairness ABOUNDS throughout the universe of man-woman affairs of the heart.  Why should this aspect of it be any different?

3)  Let Her “Win” the Flirt.  Remember, SHE started this and so it’s HER play. That means if you pick up her flirt and give it right back in a fun and friendly way, then SHE WINS! By that I mean you’ve confirmed her charm as a woman… she “won” your male attention!  Get it?  This sort of thing is thrilling to a woman and puts her in an instant happy / satisfied mood from which you can naturally be expected to seek to want to get together with her again soon.  It plays into all her most dreamy “chick flick” fantasies!

Anyway, once you’ve spread around the good vibes you should then…

4)  Follow Up Immediately. Get her name and number and pop it straight into your cellphone, or use a low-tech pen and scrap of paper… whatever you have to do to make it possible to hook up with her again before she forgets about you or has second thoughts.  Even better, offer to meet her somewhere within the next 1-3 days at some “happening” place… a nightclub, corner bar, a nearby special event, the local bowling alley, whatever.  Whatever fits YOUR particular style and is centered around a place that you would normally frequent and know something about.  Figure out what this actual place should be IN ADVANCE and have it stored in your noggin always ready to whip out and use at key moments like these!

Don’t overthink this: simply INVITE (don’t “ask” and especially don’t beg!) her to meet you at XYZ Club this Friday night… you know they have great steamed clams or killer Buffalo wings, etc.  Make it a safe, public venue that you would usually hang out at… somewhere she would certainly know about if she lives in the area.  Invite her to meet you there for a drink or a coffee or to watch you play softball.  “You seem very charming (cool, fun-loving)” is all you need to say.

Simple words spoken WHERE THEY ARE WELCOME will rock her world!

Inviting her out to a public party spot also has the added benefit of making you seem like a social, happening guy — rather than nervously asking for her “magic 7 digits” like some porn-bookmarking nerd.  Tantalizing a woman to JOIN YOUR WORLD as opposed to doing you a favor by even agreeing to see you again makes a rockin’ statement about your High Male Status! Such impressions may be unspoken and subliminal, but this is what makes them so psychologically powerful as well.

So in review, DON’T EVER WONDER “WHY ME?” — LET HER WIN THE FLIRT — HAVE A STANDARD PLAN FOR FURTHER CONTACT. Write these simple but effective rules for responding to a flirt down on a card and stick them onto your bathroom mirror so you can stare at them every morning hovering right next to your heinous, unflirtable mug.  This will drive these concepts deep into your brain so that the next time you get hit with a surprise flirt from some little hottie pumping gas into her Mercedes right next to you, you’ll be able to react cooly and professionally within seconds.

Almost as swift as the glint of lust sparkling in her eyes!

Let’s talk about what it means to be a shy person and why having this moniker hung on you can be a heavy personal burden to bear.  Shyness in general, and especially in youngsters, is a cautionary reaction designed to make you ‘freeze up’ in a sort of protective instinct that goes something like this: “If I just stand here, say nothing and remain invisible, then no harm will come to me…” Now for a kid, this might make sense.  Unfortunately, this sort of reflexive tendency to lock-up around unfamiliar people or situations can persist into adulthood as a nasty bad habit, and that’s when it becomes trouble.

For guys especially shyness can be socially devastating because it makes it virtually impossible for you to make that first ‘revealing move’ around women… the sort of action that can signal your possible romantic interest in her.  This puts you at a major disadvantage on the romantic playing field because, if you are always “turtling-up” into this ego-protective mode, then you are certainly not connecting with anyone!

That said, here are 7 key pointers about becoming more social that every shy person should thoroughly understand:

1)  While shyness can sometimes be considered “cute” in women it is absolutely deadly for men. Here’s why: because appearing or acting shy is a bright red signal flare of low male status.  It’s an indication that you have been ‘put in your place’ by the other men in your world — that they have cowered and bossed and mocked you into submission, and now it makes itself visible for all to see in your shy behavior.

Now perhaps you’ve been able to create an aura of accomplishment and respectability around yourself in your professional (non-romantic) life that gives you some shielding from the worst of your shyness — but these defenses quickly lose their power when it comes to being judged worthy of romantic possibility by women.  Females have a unique power to pierce and destroy the pretenses established at great cost and effort by men — and it’s the thought of coming face-to-face with this awesome power from which a lot of your rejection-fearing shyness probably arises in the first place.

2)  Most people actually HATE being around a shy person. Why?  Because demonstrating shyness has the effect of causing many people’s OWN latent shy feelings to come bubbling up to the surface (and everyone has a little bit of shyness lurking in them somewhere for this to play on…).  “He’s always acting so shy, he starts to make ME feel shy… I hate that!” What you are doing is (unwittingly) engaging in a subtle psychological practice called MODELING.  When we model certain actions and behaviors in front of others they tend to unconsciously pick them up and mimic them, especially if there’s a wall of formality still existing between people (i.e., total strangers) and therefore a bit of nervousness involved in their behaviors towards one another.

Test this out for yourself: next time you are face-to-face with someone and you both have drinks in front of you for instance, watch how many times you can pick up your drink, or toy with the straw or something, and the other person will almost immediately begin doing the exact same thing without even thinking about it.  That’s modeling! Now if you are aware of what you’re doing and purposeful in your actions, it’s possible to have people copying your behaviors and attitudes all over the place.  These are actually common politician’s and salesman’s tricks that you can borrow and use to your advantage if you, again, are purposeful and can practice living outside of your own head a little bit.

3)  Roll over all small embarrassments and make nothing of them. Much of your shyness has to do with being too inwardly-directed — simply meaning that you tend to dwell too much on what’s going on inside your own “thought cloud” rather than being fully engaged within your surrounding environment.  The typical shy person has a tendency to assign too much importance to every little thing that he does or every little move that he makes.  Stop this right now by getting out of your head in any way that you can manage to do so.  Focus more on modeling and controlling your “puppets” if you must!

4)  Stop obsessing over every little thing that you might feel like saying — essentially pre-editing yourself out of many good conversations before they can even begin! I used to do this all the time: pre-judging and PRE-REJECTING everything that I was about to say before the words ever made it out of me.  You feel like others are constantly judging your thoughts and ideas every second of the day, and this kind of intense scrutiny — imaginary or not — is difficult to hold up under.  It’s little wonder that you are reluctant to speak up!  I think this is why introverts find people to be more a source of stress to them rather than of comfort.  It’s also one of the major reasons why being social may feel like such a chore for you, when it can often seem like such a breeze to most everyone else.

The sad part is that the entire underlying dynamic causing this pre-rejecting response (i.e., the intense scrutiny of others) doesn’t even exist in actuality.  It’s entirely in your mind for the most part, and you are merely projecting all this garbage onto others and seeing what really isn’t there. This is a form of paranoia, but it’s also a form of arrogance as well.  Arrogance?  That’s right: after all, what makes YOU so special that everyone is always watching YOU and everything that you are doing all the time?  Why do YOU deserve such constant observation?  Well you don’t, and you aren’t getting any! This is all what’s known as ‘magical thinking’, and it’s an error in cognition that you need to address and overcome.

5)  Shyness is a distortion of our natural sense of shame — which has gone off the rails and become associated with emotions that are not inherently shameful. Shame is the master controller emotion of the entire human race and has been used as such throughout history.  It is wielded as a psychological bludgeon by societies, parents, religions (they are experts!…) and almost every other sort of collective gathering of people to steer individual behaviors towards some commonly accepted norm.  Most of us would not walk around naked in public for instance, because we would be ashamed to do so.

But do we have some sort of natural instinct that makes us feel weird and uncomfortable about walking around publicly naked?  Not necessarily, we were TAUGHT at some young age to keep our clothes on and our private parts covered around others by our parents.  This was a “rule” they imposed at some appropriate moment, and they likely had to make us feel ashamed about our nakedness at some point in our development in order to get us to comply with this rule.  Once scolded and “embarrassed” about it, our desire to be naked in public then became shame bound — that is, the feeling of shame was successfully linked to this idea of wanton exhibitionism in order to inhibit the desire.  It therefore became impossible to experience this desire without feeling ashamed about it! The two sensations became tightly linked (bound) at the deepest levels of our consciousness.

When shame becomes associated or “bound” to the wrong sorts of emotions however (like our natural human need to feel affection for instance) it can make us unable to experience these particular emotions in the absence of the shame.  And because shame is so uncomfortable to experience, we will usually seek to maneuver clear of this psychic pain by avoiding whatever stimulus threatens to trigger it off.  We “shy” away from such stimuli. Socializing with other people (and especially in a potentially romantic context) can unleash a Pandora’s Box of different emotions.  This is normal.  However, if any of these critical emotions have become shame-bound at some point along the way, then they cannot be experienced without the associated torment of shame being present as well.  Thus, we are made to suffer adult shyness in this sad and maddening way.

Shame that has gotten itself twisted around our normal emotions where it doesn’t belong is known as toxic. This is a large and complex subject that I talk about in my books and is really beyond the scope of this short article.  Suffice to say that toxic shame is the basis of almost every sort of addictive behavior that you can imagine — from alcohol to overeating, rage, sadness, hard drugs like cocaine or even obsessive work-aholism.  That’s because we have a powerful urge to escape from shame’s poisonous effects in whatever way that we can.  Certain things must therefore be made off limits to us and cannot be experienced as they should be.  Our spirit becomes strangled over time, and we seek to nullify this chronic pain with the distractions of our addictions.

6)  Discover the power of self-compassion to overcome chronic shame and self-hatred. Shy people are often so mentally tough on themselves that it’s no wonder they constantly act as though they’ve been cowered into submission.  They have been: by an internal cognitive monster called the Tyrannical Conscience.

Ask yourself this: who else do you HATE so badly that you would wish the same kind of monster to enter their brain and torture them as relentlessly as you torture yourself with thoughts of fear, uncertainty and inadequacy?  What?… you say that no one else deserves such cruel treatment?  Only you?  Well now there’s that good ol’ arrogance again… this idea that only YOU can be held to such high, God-like standards of performance to which you repeatedly fail to measure up (and therefore must be made to feel ashamed about).  Everyone else (all those lower class beings?…) get a pass I guess.  They get compassion, but not you.  Shame can create such thinking distortions known as grandiosity — what John Bradshaw in his great book “Healing The Shame That Binds You” calls the Disabled Will.

7)  Shyness in adults is learned behavior — essentially a bad habit. This is actually good because it means that it is possible to completely reverse your shyness!  Since the original fear which the shyness was designed to protect you against no longer exists, once the “back of your shyness is broken” it should not return.

Remember, it doesn’t matter that you may have to “trick” yourself into getting started down the road to defeating your shyness, all that matters is the final RESULT.  Actors and sports stars use similar mental tricks to get themselves up for a game or a performance, and no one gives them any grief about it.  So why can’t you do the same?

Your job as a recovering shy person is to first embrace this serious flaw in your thinking without fear and then move forward to correct it.  No anger or regret, just strength of purpose.  And lots of self-compassion for a change.

Nothing creates a more attention-grabbing romantic signal that most women will immediately take notice of than the magnificent display of Confidence in men.  Whether it’s actually while in the act of “hitting” on her itself, or merely doing something powerfully in her presence, confidence always makes a stunning impact on women!

A dynamic display of self-confidence can have a near magical ability to influence others and get them to RESPECT you as well — and it’s especially important for women to see men as being confident because it plays into their subconscious grading system via which they sort out the (attractive) high status males from their (less desirable) low status counterparts.

Here’s an important fact that you may not be aware of: men gain most of their natural confidence not so much by interacting with women, but by competing against one another. So your seeming LACK of it will be read by a lot of these women as a measure of your submission to these other men… professionally, financially, physically, etc.  You have apparently been made into one of their bitches and now it shows through in your shyness and lack of self-confidence!

This may not be entirely fair, but you need to understand little IS fair in the game of romance and seduction — and so it’s something that you need to factor in when it comes to getting yourself seen as being out there “on the playing field”… an important appearance that you should always try to maintain.

So in light of all this, here are 7 important confidence tips that can really help you pump-up a weak and paltry male display:

1)  Realize that most people are probably just as big a bundle of doubts and insecurities as you are, probably even more so. And especially women… and DOUBLE especially if she’s a 9 or 10! This is the ‘hidden insecurity’ phenomenon that the pick up artist’s technique known as “neg hitting” attempts to exploit, (although I myself am not a practitioner of this particular fine art, charming little sweetheart that I am)…

Regardless, understand that we are ALL fighting with these same challenges and demons… merely to different degrees.  So keep soldiering on — you are not alone in your struggles!

2) People are NOT mind readers… which means that they cannot peer into your soul and know your deepest fears at a mere glance.  So if you appear to be confident around them, then who are they NOT to believe you?  “Hey, this guy seems pretty confident in himself for some reason, so I guess I’ll go along with it…” This gives us the advantage of being able to “fake it until we make it” and pad our male display with some early bluffing until our personal change becomes more genuine and deeply integrated into our core personality.

Look, you’re probably already practicing exactly the opposite process right now when you consistently keep talking the wrong sort of internal self-talk to yourself.  You are essentially hypnotizing yourself into acting in ways that support a poor and unattractive self-image.  So if you want a better self-image, then learn to fill your head with better thoughts about yourself and your value as a person than you do now. Inner game is essentially 99% of the “secret” to coming off like the confident alpha male around women!

3) Try to always remain aware of your body language and the kinds of “plus or minus” subliminal signals about yourself that you could be broadcasting to women — they have an extremely sensitive radar for this sort of thing, and especially when it comes to men.  I’m talking about things like shoulders back, head up, solid eye contact, being at ease about casually being the first to touch someone non-offensively (an assumed HSM “privilege”).

Hey, don’t be afraid to employ a few “cheap trick” confidence tips like this next one to get some early points on the board for yourself:  For instance, if you’re still too shy to meet someone’s eye directly, then stare at their nose. Seriously, it’s an old salesman’s trick… people cannot tell the different between someone staring at the bridge of their nose and someone who’s looking them straight in the eye.  Try it today and see for yourself.  (And also take note the more positive reaction that you are pulling from people as well… The power of confidence!)

4) If you see yourself as being confident in your own mind, then you will give off a confident “vibe” about yourself without even being aware of it. This has to do with the inability of the human mind to distinguish between common everyday reality and a richly-imagined fantasy.  Your imagination is the gateway to achieving feelings of deep self-worth, so learn how to use it to “fool” your subconscious mind into seeing yourself in a stronger frame. What you are looking to do is create an emotion more overwhelming than your fear.  This will allow you to begin seeing the people around you differently, while having them view YOU differently as well.

It’s from this shift in subliminal vibes that new social opportunities will soon begin to appear all around you — and your shiny new cloak of unstoppable confidence will be the power that drives it forward!

5) Never worry about having to “back up” your confidence — almost no one ever has to do this.  People see you acting confidently and that’s just the way it is, they simply accept it.  Rarely will anyone challenge you to “prove” it (prove what?).  It’s only those guys who really insist on pressing what a tough guy they are that eventually end up in fights.  This isn’t confidence, it’s bravado.  Like having a fat ‘tell’ in poker.

Look, there’s no shame in trying to change whatever poor thinking it is that’s currently holding you back from participating fully in the game of love and romance, so don’t worry about any of this high-minded BS.  These are just mental red herrings designed to keep you distracted from making serious personal change in your life.  No one can know what you are doing in the privacy of your own mind, and it’s none of their business anyway – so feel free to imagine your way straight into a better life!

6) Get good at something that makes you look cool and/or powerful and competent and show it off somehow (guitar hero anyone?… just kidding .  Seriously.  Why not strive to become skilled at some type of activity, trade, sport or even a cool hobby like rock climbing to help yourself attract women?  Start with some modest demonstration of your prowess and just keep playing it up.  Soon you’ll begin to gather a following of closer friends and maybe even a few fans as well.  (Just don’t “pied-piper” them all into the jungle one day and have them sample your specially formulated kool-aid…!)

7)  Surrender the Self-Hatred and let your spirit fly! Give up once and for all on the misguided belief that your station in life is somehow genetically or culturally imposed upon you, and that you are permanently stuck right where you are.  That’s Middle Age-going-nowhere sort of thinking.  What it really is, is self-hatred keeping you locked in its “hopeless and helpless victim” trap.  It performs this little feat by making any other alternative life-path seem impossible for you to achieve, which is utter nonsense of course.

Take a chance to prove this to yourself today by challenging your fear in some significant way.  Get mad at your fear, take it on! Don’t let these powerful ideas that I’m giving you just go in one ear and out the other… use them!

I think that confidence, to finally describe it, is nothing more than an overriding assumption that things will always go your way in the end… no matter what. But this won’t happen for you until you get out there and demonstrate to yourself that new and vastly different possibilities really can exist… for YOU. Once you achieve this absolutely critical cognitive breakthrough (called, duh… “belief and motivation”…) you’ll finally be able to take those first few baby steps towards massive personal change…

And at that point, believe it or not, the hardest part of the entire journey will already be behind you.

–

And speaking of having more confidence…

I just put my brand new Kick Ass Confidence 7 Part Audio Training Series up online as a totally FREE giveaway program.  That’s right, you can now listen to the entire 90 minute program for free.  Just sign-up on the following page:

http://www.ka-confidence.com

And you’ll get the links for each of the 7 lessons e-mailed to you at 3 day intervals.  This gives you time to listen to each one and perform the little homework assignments before the next part arrives.  It’s a more disciplined way to learn, prevents overwhelm and REALLY WORKS!  Give it a try, and I thank you for your support.  And be sure to spread the word to any of your interested friends who could use a little extra shot of self-confidence. 

~MP

Hello everyone, sorry I haven’t posted in a while… but I’ve been busy, busy cooking up a brand new online FREE Audio Training series that I’m sure you guys will find most useful.  Stay tuned for word on that in the coming weeks…

For now, just this quick announcement concerning the RE-release of my classic “Tome of the PUA Arts”: Without Embarrassment — which I am very pleased to be presenting to you today as a newly upgraded version… IN PRINT!

The books themselves look absolutely beautiful as expected: 6×9 glossy softcover, 300 pages and very professionally produced via Amazon.com’s CreateSpace print-on-demand system.  I’m very proud to be unveiling Without Embarrassment to the world once again in this classy format. E-books may be the future but hey, it’s nice to be able to kick back on the recliner now and then and get away from the computer with a good book!

Both Without Embarrassment and She’s Yours For The Taking are reasonably priced at $24.95 — and I set up a discount code for you to use in celebration of this mini- launch.  Simply go to my Createspace storefront…

…and type in the Discount Code: B9XALS5F at checkout to receive a 10% savings off the cover price!

(For you guys who have a One-Click already setup at Amazon and would rather buy directly through them, you can pull up the book listing right here)

(The discount code does NOT work through Amazon unfortunately.  But you’ve got both options to choose from.)

If you’d like to look over 10 or 15 pages selected at random from the e-book (which is EXACTLY the same content now as the printed book) you can read through some pages posted on the site.  Here’s the link for that (give this page a few seconds to load — these are screen-captured images off the Adobe Reader):

You may also wish to take a peek at the stack of TESTIMONIALS that have coming flying in here over the years for Without Embarrassment…

Finally, take a moment to pop back over to the main page and you’ll see that I’ve chopped the price of the 2 book Combo Pack (the e-book versions) all the way down to $27 bucks from $67 — which is a super-duper crazy Eddie type deal.  I’m now offering my 2 audio programs ‘Dealing With Your Fear of Rejection’ and ‘Kick Ass Confidence’ as separate upsell items for only an extra $10 bucks — which now gives you the option to add them to the books to create the complete “HSM Total Training Package!

Thanks again for all your great support and your inspiring words over the past decade — as always I deeply appreciate all of it!

P.S.  If you decide to order from Amazon.com please DO take a moment to come back after you’ve read the book and leave an honest review for me.  I need reviews!

Rather than using clever verbal “patterns” designed to hypnotize chicks into robotic submission, I’ve found that the most effective way to deliver an opening comment is to use any sort of playfully casual approach that makes it sound as if a spontaneous thought just popped into my head.  A simple ‘hi’ can do the trick if handled properly.

Of course, real life isn’t always as easy as reading about something in a book.  In a situation where you can’t seem to catch an eye at all for instance, then you’re likely dealing with a deliberate “resistor” and there probably isn’t a play to be had.  Unless of course… you want to do something reasonably aggressive by attempting to force yourself into a chick’s field of view: like changing seats to get closer to her in class or at a cafe, making some kind of noise or distraction to attract her attention your way, etc.  The idea is to do something to get on her visual radar and then watch for any possible sign of interest by seeing if you can pull some kind of fleeting eye contact… and then running with it immediately!

When you DO catch an eye, always expect that she’ll look away from you FAST.  But don’t let this deter you because this is completely normal and to be expected.  The quick “look-away” is a common shyness-reflex that most people have — both men and women.  So never let this stop you, it means nothing! You simply need to ignore this social twitch and seize upon the fleeting possibility of contact very quickly.  Immediately say “hi” to her with no lag-time whatsoever… because you can be sure this instant-of-opportunity will be gone quickly!

Keep your approach friendly and innocent in the sense of not making it seem like you’re going at her with some big deal ‘hit’.  This is too much for most women to process and they will tend to turtle-up on you (but not always — again, they’re as different as snowflakes!).  You’re just looking to get the typical stranger-to-stranger friendly reaction.  Strangers will only lock eyes and stare at each other passionately in romance movies, in real life this rarely ever happens.  So you will never get anywhere waiting around for super eye-lock!

The good news is that you don’t have to wait around for anything – just learn how to seize upon these typical sort of everyday little signals you get here and there, and gently play them up whenever feasible.

Remember that your interest in a woman and any subsequent flirting that you may attempt to create with her is a GIFT that you are presenting to an attractive stranger.  Never look upon your efforts to reach out as some kind of unwanted intrusion into her precious privacy or that you’re bothering her. This can only occur if she has clearly displayed her non-interest and you continue to escalate to the point of annoyance (generally because you’re pissed off or feeling humiliated).  Having said that however, even pressure tactics can work sometimes if you are bold enough to try them.  Remember that this game can be played at ANY level that you choose to, safe or risky.

Here’s a few general guidelines to keep in mind when it comes to opening social comments.  They should be:

Unrehearsed. Something that just popped into your head at that moment is always best because it’s spontaneous.  Appearing a little nervous is okay too.  Preferred actually — since it makes it seem as if you’re attempting to do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily have the stones to try.  This makes her feel special, and makes you look brave. This is good!

Casual. Make it seem like you just bumped into an old friend that you haven’t seen in quite some time without being too deliberately corny about it.  This will keep you calm and your calmness will affect her in a similar way.  Remember that you must model the behaviors that you wish to see reflected back to you.

Sincere. Assuming a challenging posture (the infamous “neg hit”) with a perfect stranger can be risky.  By zapping her with a put-down style, semi-rude remark supposedly done as a “joke” right out of the box you’re just daring a chick to blow you off.  At this point she has absolutely no investment in your feelings, so there’s no motive for her to be nice to you.  This is the setup for those legendary rejections that will haunt you to the grave.

So unless she’s just dripping with a pissy attitude that needs correcting, I would avoid this as an opening tactic (although it might work better later on in the relationship as a way to keep an edge on things…)  Proceed with caution otherwise.

Upbeat. If you mumble out your words out like some nursing home gum-jockey, what’s she supposed to do… offer to change your friggin diaper?  No salesman would dare deliver a muttering, uncertain sales pitch because he’s basically telling you that his product sucks.  Always remember who the product is here… you! So keep your delivery light and bright.

Non-offensive sexually. This is a big one.  Insecure guys like to make sexually bold opening remarks to paint themselves as sexually experienced because they’re afraid their near-virgin status will otherwise show through.  It speaks just the opposite about you though: dudes who are really getting laid never feel like they have to broadcast it to women.  They just carry it around with them as a silent vibe in the gleam of their eyes.  If you insist on being so foolish you may as well just stay home and watch Deep Space 9 re-runs until you disappear into a wormhole.

–

If you keep these general rules in mind you should at the very least be able to capture a woman’s interest for a minute or two — and who knows where that can lead?  Ask anyone how their first meeting with their eventual wife or husband went down and they’ll likely tell you that it was nothing special.  So there’s no need to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform some dynamic and amazing trick in order to make a memorable first impression.  Most people just wing their way along socially and somehow get by.  Don’t overthink everything.

Another important thing is to stay on the field of combat and resist withdrawing into yourself.  Seize any and all possible social opportunities that come your way by learning to say “yes” to an invitation for just about anything – any chance to go out with your buddies, to pull a study date with some fat chick that you might have no interest in (because duh, she might have a hot roommate…).  Just say YES to everything and do it even if you think the event will suck… because fate and random chance often work in bizarre ways.

It’s all about mixing and networking, and you can’t accomplish that alone in your room!

Myself, I’ve always felt that the best place to meet women is anywhere and everywhere that they might least expect it. That’s where all my best chances seem to have occurred over the years.  Bars and nightclubs (and to a lesser extent, gyms) are all a tough sell for a guy like me who is not the typical intimidating male specimen of athletic prowess.  Bitch shields are also up in places like nightclubs — where men routinely take their boldest shots at women.  It’s easier to make a cool first impression when you can catch her a little bit off guard at Starbucks rather than immersed in the loud action at Au Bar.  You also aren’t usually standing next to some Adonis looking like his comical sidekick.  Even having these guys anywhere near you can be enough to screw up your confidence!

Bottom line: just learn to become more aware of what’s going on around you in terms of potential chances to make simple, casual contact with women.  If you’re just starting out and still scared shitless by all this, remember that you don’t have to actually DO anything about these opportunities YET — just jot down what you observed… (time, date, place, girl, situation) on a yellow pad when you get home later and keep track of these events.  Then review your “flirting logs” a week or two later and I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at just how many possible opportunities to work a casual flirt that you might be absent-mindedly waltzing right on by every day.  In a week there could be as many as 8-15 good chances depending on how many people zip past you every day, and how big a city you live in.

This exercise is excellent for building your awareness of the possibilities that routinely exist around you, getting you to see those things that you may’ve been blind to.  Look, even harmlessly flirting with 8 girls a week puts you up around 100 flirts in 3 months! So what were you planning to do in the next 3 months that was destined to change your social life anyway?  This simple exercise will not only sharpen your social antennae, but will begin to desensitize you to all the various fear factors involved.

Meeting women doesn’t have to be a colossal task as long as you take things casually, and learn to regard your gift of flirting as a normal everyday part of life — rather than a life-or-death moon mission!

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This post was partially excerpted from my book She’s Yours For The Taking, which incidentally (hint, hint…) is now available in print for the very first time ever!  See the photo and sales blurb over on the right side of the this page, or go to my Amazon E-store and give it a look.  Much appreciated!

(For a limited time until the end of April you can enter the following code at checkout:

9Z3QZEAJ

…and receive a 20% Discount off the regular cover price!)

Valentine’s Day sucks. If you don’t have any romantic partner to ply with silly gifts, it sucks… and if you DO have a girlfriend it still sucks having to buy her a lot of silly, expensive gifts (or else!).

If you’re experiencing the first kind of suckiness, no girlfriend, then let’s resolve to begin making some basic and simple changes to your presentation as a man that will help you solve this problem once and for all.  Here at the High Status Male Blog we like to kick around ideas that we hope can make us more attractive to women.  Women are of course the great and universal Mystery…  Their frivolous behaviors have vexed men throughout the Ages — driving them to commit acts of war, suicide and even murder.

And that was when they weren’t otherwise making us insanely horny, or just plain insane!

A recurring idea in both my books is that men shouldn’t have to obsess too much about their looks as much as their behavior around women, since THIS is what the girls grade us on in the same way that guys scope out their physical charms to decide who’s hot or not.  Yeah, we all know that we’re supposed to act confident around women to project the vibe that we’ve made it far enough up the pecking order that women should take note.  But what does this actually MEAN in terms of the types of behaviors and attitudes that we need to adopt for ourselves?

Here are 7 important signaling behaviors that you should learn how to manage.  See if any of them need to be adjusted in your own personal male display:

1.  Stop Pre-editing Away Your Every Possible Opening Words to a Woman. Or maybe I should say stop totally pre-REJECTING them because, man, that’s what I used to do to myself big time!  In normal everyday conversations I was fine and friendly and even funny — but get me near some hot chick and it was clam-up time.  I remember standing around helplessly in a club right next to a great looking girl wondering what I should “open” with (and this was before I understood what that even meant!…)

I would stand there locked in mental concrete, my mind racing through various different sentences thinking: “that’s sucks… are you kidding me?!   …if I say THAT it will make me sound like a complete loser!…” And then of course there was my personal favorite excuse: “…and so THEN what will you say to her?”

This last one was a real iron curtain for me — I was essentially putting enormous pressure on myself to have some sort of well thought-out conversational script all memorized to a tee and ready to go in my head.  In fact I never actually sat down and wrote out such a script for myself (a mistake), so in addition to having the perfect opening thing to say I was also required to create this script ON THE FLY!

You know how we like to talk about the idea of self-hatred?  Well gentlemen, I present to you Exhibit A!

Notice how best to punish the “hated one”?… by setting the bar for an acceptable performance so high that it becomes impossible to achieve?  This did the trick by seeding a big lump of fear in my mind that would cause me to lock up and never even make an attempt to speak up.

Remember, the High Status Male is King, Boss and Conqueror… he NEVER believes that his words are unimportant or boring (even if they are), and so he speaks freely!  And YOU will listen.  To be self-conscious about your words is a loud LSM (low status male) signal that the women will pick up on right away, so talk.

See how these deadly self-defeating cycles can come to control you?

2.  Start Making Eye Contact With Women. And I mean the GOOD kind where you look away about 20% of the time so as not to slip into a ‘psycho leer’.  I talk about this extensively throughout my books and audios so I won’t get into the whole thing here, but suffice to say that a shifty-eyed presentation of yourself is always a bad deal.  People are made uncomfortable in the presence of someone who won’t look them in the eye.  They begin to wonder why you seem to be acting ashamed or guilty.  What are you hiding?  To varying degrees women will especially get creeped out by this A+ connection killer.

Poor eye contact creates a vibe that’s just the opposite of charismatic – which is the ability to make people feel good about themselves.  Shifty eye contact is anti-charismatic because it forces people to identify with your discomfort instead, and they don’t like that!  They don’t want to hang around with people who give them ‘bad vibes’ — for whatever reason — and would just as soon avoid you altogether.

So if you’ve ever scratched your head wondering why you’re not getting many callbacks or why she won’t answer your post-first-date-callback, this could be a big reason why.  In your nervousness you revert to a turtled-up body language that included an evening-long inability to make eye contact with her, and she was totally put off by this loud signal of male subservience (or disinterest).

As a mechanical quick-fix, you can always practice the tried-and-true “salesman’s trick” whereby you stare at the bridge of someone’s nose if you can’t stand to meet their eye.  Most people cannot tell the difference.  Ultimately though you should seek to raise your confidence around people, and your eye contact will then become more natural and genuine.

It’s okay to use tricks such as these to kick-start your recovery, but you should always be working towards the day when you will no longer have to rely on such trickery to get you through a conversation.

3.  Initiate a Handshake. We all know that a high status male is attractive to women, but what you may not realize is that your status is determined by your day-to-day interactions with other MEN.

Men constantly push, prod, connive, outwork or seek to outsmart their fellow man in the workplace, culture, battlefield, household or any of a thousand other venues in which they interact.  There is always a competition going on to see who’s just a bit more powerful than who.  This game never ends, and much of it goes on subconsciously and almost invisibly.  In many situations basic relationships are already clearly pre-established: Joe is the boss and Ron the employee, Jim the dad and mark the son, or Bill is the Sergeant and Ed the Private.  Whatever… but it’s clear cut.

However, many daily encounters between men who pretty much seem as if they could be on a same level are not as clearly defined, and so a signal is required to establish who is who.  Who is the alpha and who agrees to be the subjugated?

This phenomenon can be played to your advantage if you are aware enough to make a point of establishing yourself as a man to be respected in any casual encounter.  One of the simple ways that you can do this is to be the guy to offer to shake hands first (whenever appropriate of course, such as in a business situation or at a party).  Why is this important?  Because the higher status male conveys a sense of safety to a lower status male by touching him first — but doing it the other way around can be viewed as a challenge.

Think again about the clearly pre-established relationship: the boss can reach out and put his arm around the employee to convey a message of “good job” or “you’re in my favor”.  But reverse this and see what happens: an employee touching the boss unprompted would be seen as disrespectful and perhaps even a challenge to his authority.  It says, “what are you going to do about it?”

So by expressing a desire to shake hands first it can seem as is you are seeking to touch the other guy from a position of strength.  This can be very subtle and probably makes little more than a subliminal impact, but those are usually the best kind!

When you get into the habit of being ‘touch aggressive’ on a regular basis you will begin to establish a bit more respect for yourself.  There will be some push-back from time to time as men continue to jockey against each other for just that shade more status than the other guy (I’m stronger, more intelligent, more courageous, wealthier, etc.).  But at least now you’re playing the game instead of being quickly dispatched off the board by guys who size-up your reluctance to “go first” as an automatic win for themselves.

4.  Speak up. In the same vein as the previous point about handshakes your verbal thrust (or lack thereof) makes a statement about you as well.  The loudest mouth in a group of men is often the alpha.  In one-on-one conversations, alpha usually carries the conversation in some way — from being the more informed or interesting party, to actually giving direct commands in some cases, while the “beta” shuts up and listens!

Another thing the beta male often does to cement his lower status is attempt to sanitize or otherwise try to frame what he’s saying so as not to provoke alpha.  For instance, in that employee-boss situation, the employee may try to break some bad news to the boss softly or in a hedged fashion so as to minimize his displeasure (and possible wrath!).

Whereas the boss simply states his mind with no regard as to how his words may make his subordinate “feel”.  (i.e., “You’re fired Johnson!”)

In neutral encounters where there is no pre-established pecking order, the one who ISN’T afraid to speak up first is usually given a higher status grade by most women who would casually observe such an encounter.

So even if it means stating the obvious, just do it.  Because the actual content of what you’re saying conveys less critical information than the silent signal delivered by just who is talking to whom.  Get it?

Again, subliminal.  But that’s why they call it making an impression.  And these impressions will stack-up in your favor with repeated expression.

5.  Drop Dead and Smile. Now we’re back to your interactions with women.  Nervousness and fidgety jumpiness conveys a signal of having little personal confidence.  Also when we’re nervous we rarely smile but instead wear a mask of concern that can look angry.  This generally doesn’t make a great first impression on women, unless you know how to pull off the strong, brooding, silent type of vibe (although if you could I doubt you would be reading this now!)

A better way to go is to smile and make great eye contact and generally just MODEL the sort of reaction that you want reflected back at you.  Again, imagine the man of considerable status and power: master of his universe, he is calm and collected as he moves through life.  No nervous fidgeting that might reveal an underlying insecurity about… what?  His social skills, his bank account, his fading virility?  Ha!… not a chance!

And yet that’s what YOUR nervousness can convey about you if you’re not careful.

Still nervous anyway?  It’s okay so long as it doesn’t show itself too much visibly.  Again, you can use this little mechanical trick to help yourself out: just hold a thumb pinched between your two fingers on the same hand and squeeze as tightly as you have to.  This gives your nervous system a focal point in the body to quietly discharge itself — allowing the rest of your muscles to relax and stop quivering.  To “drop dead”.

This allows you to project a vibe of calmness that makes that awesome subliminal High Status impression on women which can go very far towards getting you some return interest from them!

6.  Become Comfortable With Silence. This is just the opposite of Point #1… i.e., overthinking everything that you want to say, rejecting it all and then saying nothing at all!

Some guys can’t tolerate any lull in a conversation with a girl and will seek to keep up a constant stream of nervous chatter because, well, they’re nervous.  But just consider for a moment a romantic scene from a typical movie: isn’t it during those moments of silence when the words run out that all the truly important communication begins… spoken with long, penetrating looks and perhaps the first stages of physical contact?

These pivotal moments of emotional / romantic connection will never occur however if you continue to prattle over every potential close moment like Woody Allen on speed!  This blab serves no purpose other than to keep your own anxieties at bay, so stop it!

Remember, one of the principle skills of the seducer is to seize upon moments of conversational lull and use them to move beyond words… to begin guiding a woman towards an eventual physical connection.  This is a skill you want to work on for yourself beginning today.  So the next time you find yourself blabbing away to cover up an uncomfortable silence, try sending her a silent signal of appreciation with your eyes instead.

Remember, YOU may be uncomfortable with silence, but women are drawn into it. Learn to exploit this phenomenon for yourself.

7.  Change Something About Yourself to Improve Your Edge and Get Noticed. LSM’s tend to become socially invisible after a while and will silently fade away into the background.  You need to do something different to start lighting-up on her radar screen!

No need to undergo any sort of colossal surgical makeover either — improving just ONE small but significant thing about yourself can be enough to break everyone’s old, cemented image of you and force them to begin reconsidering who you are.  Grow your hair long, or shave it off.  Get a tat (or a new one that’s cooler).  Try showing up in nice khaki’s instead of the usual dirty jeans — or if you’re a button-down suit-and-tie guy then try loosening up your look a little.  This kind of thing acts as a shock to the system (both to the people around you AND to yourself) and might finally start getting you noticed, maybe for the first time ever! Simple but effective.

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Well there’s 7 ideas to get you started down the path to some potentially exciting personal change.  Notice what I didn’t tell you to do though… I didn’t tell you to go out and get an expensive new wardrobe or to get rich somehow and buy yourself a flashy new car and some kickin’ bling.  The typical things you might think would be necessary to raise a guys’ status so that women begin noticing him.  These can be your long range goals to change and improve your life, but you must crawl before you can walk and it’s easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged if you try to tackle the task of massive personal change head-on from several directions at once.  Most of us probably wouldn’t even know where to begin!

So your first step will be to assume some of the behaviors of the HSM (even is simulation) and use the improved reactions from women as a basis to build your confidence up, and then just continue moving forward from there.  Remember, the goal is to raise the appearance of your male status for the purpose of getting your foot in the door romantically… getting a momentary flash of interest from a chick that you can then seize upon and begin to build off of.  One step at a time, right?

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT: This non-verbal signal of male attractiveness sets the table in such a way to make it possible for you to avoid being rejected as much as possible.  Otherwise you are constantly trying to fly in the face of a hurricane of female disinterest, and it won’t be long before your fledgling confidence is shattered completely.  You must avoid this.

None of these seven things require any huge investment of money either.  What they mostly require is an awareness of yourself — how you act around others and the effect that it has on them.  By adopting this sort of “fake it before you make it” idea of self-improvement you can begin to bootstrap yourself up out of your current behavioral rut and start to create little social breakthroughs for yourself here and there.  These successes are crucial though because they provide bits of inspiration to keep you motivated and moving forward, always improving… getting smarter with each failure and more confident with each success!

Before you know it, you’ll be looking back 1, 2 or ten years later only to realize that the entire trajectory of your life has changed enormously for the better as a result of these simple beginning efforts.

Just don’t write me NEXT Valentine’s Day bitching that you have this hot little girlfriend now who’s demanding silly gifts and expensive bling.  I warned you!

The following Q&A is from today’s “Tell Me About It” syndicated column by Carolyn Hax (dated Feb. 3, 2010).  She writes mostly general relationship advice for the newspaper, but this particular one caught my eye — so I clipped it out, scanned it and I’ve added in my 2 cents at the end:

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Dear Carolyn,

I am 29 and single.  I have a very strong mother who raised me to treat women with respect.  I was taught that women are strong, intelligent and independent.  And that women don’t need any special treatment.

When I go on dates I treat women that way.  I respect them, but I don’t offer to hold their door open, or always take my car.  I ask if they want to drive.  And I always split the check rather than pay for them.  I think it’s insulting to assume that women are fragile.

As you can imagine, I don’t get very many second dates.  And most of my female friends say I act like a jerk.  Am I a jerk? Should I change my way of thinking, or stay strong to my beliefs … and remain single?

~ B from Maine

Your mother instilled in you some valuable beliefs, but either she or you fashioned them into a needlessly blunt instrument.

Dates have nothing to do with scoring political points.  If you ask someone to dinner, you pay.  Not because your dinner companion is financially dependent upon you, but because you are the host and the pleasure of someone’s company is more than worth paying the tab.

If you get to a door first, you hold it for the next person.  Not because that person is too frail to handle the door, but because it’s the courteous thing to do.

If you are amenable to giving your companion a ride, then you offer a ride.

Note that none of these actions are gender specific.  Each is simply one person showing kindness to another… and people of all varieties appreciate kindness.   Even the strong, intelligent and independent ones.

You have female friends, so presumably you enjoy their company.  Dating women needn’t be any more complicated than your friendships.  Try being kind, not right.  See if that helps.

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My Comments:

Well it looks like good ol’ “B from Maine’s” flinty cool New England sensibilities aren’t serving him very well in his dating life!

I actually get a lot of mail from guys like this who claim they do absolutely nothing wrong when they take women out, are perfect gentlemen to them, etc. etc. — and yet they can’t seem to get second dates most of the time.  I’m not there watching what they’re doing (but boy would I love to!) so it puzzles me as to what these men could be doing so deadly wrong.  It’s tough to guess when you’re only hearing one side of the story.

So it occurred to me while reading this piece in the paper today that some of these guys might have screwed-up internal “rules of personal conduct” which handcuff them to the point where they are genuinely unable to get a sense of how their behaviors are viewed by others.  Let’s remember that the act of Dating itself is mainly about determining what sort of personality you’re dealing with, to see if that person’s initial attractiveness will hold up after a few hours of hanging out with them.  Yes, it’s all just a big test (and BTW, it’s a test for her too!)

I’m sure it’s probably obvious to many of you how and why this guy comes off like ‘a jerk’.  But here’s his One Big Mistake in a nutshell: he’s refusing to play the game of courtship — and consequently the women red flag him as a stiff, uptight, BORING and possibly difficult personality as a result… and who the hell wants to get involved with someone like that?

Carolyn’s opening remark is profound in her observation that he’s taken a (possibly) well-meaning respect for women, taught to him by his mom, and turned it into a “blunt instrument”.  (As an aside: I often wonder what twisted motivations serve as a base for the things that our parents teach us.  Why was his “very strong mother” so intent on teaching her son to respect women at all costs anyway?  Maybe because good old dad (or the previous men in her life) routinely treated her with little or none at all? Just wondering…)  Therein lies the roots of shame transfer, but that’s more grist for a future post.

What I’m thinking in this case is that there’s an aspect of underlying anger or rage present here that’s expressing itself in this very passive-aggressive way.  Some of this could actually be anger at the controlling Mom herself, which the women that ‘B’ dates are only acting as stand-ins for… but that’s getting into speculative psychology.  I’m just trying to point out that everything in human nature is Cause-and-Effect.  None of us grows up in a vacuum.  That’s why it’s important to become self-aware and dig into your underlying motives for acting in the ways that you do.  By pulling these things out into the sunlight they will sometimes just burn up in the heat of logic and reason and go away — and then you’ve taken a significant first step in changing in your life.

Anyway, I’m sure you can see how adherence to such particular guidelines of strict personal behavior are throwing up an emotionless, distant wall between ‘B’ and his dates — when instead he should be trying to create some sort of emotional connection with them.  But that would mean having to play the courtship game of deference and charm and to act in a much different way than he describes.

Note that I said ACT… as in “being on your best behavior” — which simply means that you present yourself in a way that’s better than ordinary for the purpose of making a good impression on someone.  You would no more act your usual nasty old self on a date than you would on a job interview, right?  Unless of course you secretly wanted to sabotage the interview and NOT get the job (or the second date for that matter) so you could stay home on unemployment and keep torturing mother?  I’m just saying…

‘B’s refusal to act in ways that would endear him to his date have motivations that could be variously described as stubborn, self-hating, “logical” or any number of other ‘good reasons’.  But mainly, highly structured behavior also screams out another word to me: FEAR.  People who have a need to control and micro-manage every little thing about themselves and their environment have a huge fear of the unknown or of having things slip out of their control.  Part of ‘B’s motivation for acting as he does on these dates could have something to do with ‘control-freak anxieties’.  Again, without being able to sit down with this guy and pick his brain all we can do is speculate, but it’s certainly another possibility.

This sort of thing is more like a bad habit than a personality disorder, but it can screw you up in countless little ways regardless, as you see here.  Self-Awareness friends, self-awareness!

More Topic-Relevant Information:

— Guest Article by Dean Cortez –

If you’ve been following my posts for awhile, you probably know that I often stress the idea of originality as being one of the most important qualities that you want to project around women… from the way that you dress to how you approach and engage her in conversation.  Certain personality traits will almost automatically trigger attraction… and if you know what those qualities are then you can routinely create results for yourself that will almost seem like magic.

If on the other hand you FAIL to make a unique impression on a girl then she’s probably going to lump you in with the last 37 chumps who tried to hit on her.  Within three minutes of your paying for her drink she’ll be excusing herself to “go find her friends.”  The key to building a bond with a women is to engage her attention and get her to share information about herself.

And one of my favorite conversational tactics for accomplishing this little trick is called Cold Reading.

Cold reading is actually a somewhat sneaky technique that’s used by psychics and palm readers to make their “subjects” feel as if you understand what’s making them tick on an intimate level without them actually having to tell you anything about themselves.

The secret to Cold Reading is that all the profound “observations” you make are deliberately generic and therefore likely to apply to virtually anyone… although you present them in a way that makes them seem personal. Human beings are self-centered and we have a tendency accept claims about ourselves that we desire to be true.  And of course people are vain – we all want to be seen as unique.  So even though Cold Reads are often just vague generalizations, we still want to agree with the person who is so skillfully “reading” us — and we’ll tend to believe they have unusual powers of perception.  Women are especially suckers for anything that seems psychic or mysterious as they tend to be less cynical about these things than most men are.

So forget about using generic “job interview” type of questions to advance a conversation with a chick you’re trying to move on: (”what’s your name?” “where are you from?” etc.)  Why not try something more original in order to capture her attention?  If I’m in a club talking to some babe who’s playing hard-to-get for instance, I’ll sometimes try using an angle that goes like this:

“Y’know, Andrea, I get the sense that most people get the wrong idea about you.  They may think you’re stand-offish or a bit cold, but I’ll bet you’re actually a lot more sensitive and funny than most people realize.”

Another example: “I get the sense it takes you a while to actually trust people… because you’ve been hurt before by someone who was really close to you.  But the people that do earn your trust, you’re always there for them.”

Or… “I can tell that you’re a person who usually plays it safe and doesn’t like to take chances, and sometimes you’ve regretted it.  But at other times you’re spontaneous and adventurous and you DO like to take chances…and that’s when you’ve had some of the best times of your life!…”

If she agrees with my “amazing read” of her (and honestly, I’ve never had a woman totally disagree with any of these generic guesses) I’ll follow up by telling her that I can relate to it, because I’m the SAME way! This begins to build up just a little bit of a bond between us.  Then, in order to solidify this growing bond, I’ll tell her a quick story that illustrates just exactly how I’m the same type of person. (If you’ve got five Cold Reads ready to use, then you should also have five short stories ready in order to illustrate how you embody those same qualities.  You’ve got to do this prep work and memorize stuff in advance to make it slide off you smoothly.)

Here’s another typical Cold Read: “I can tell that something important has been weighing on your mind.  You’re on the verge of making an important decision in your life, aren’t you?”  (Pretty much all of us, at any given time, are contemplating some kind of big decision in our lives, so this has a good chance of being accurate.  See how this works?).  Regardless, she’ll be surprised and impressed that you knew so much about her!  You mysterious, handsome psychic stranger!

She’ll usually break down at this point and begin volunteering more information about herself — and now you’re engaged in a deep, authentic conversation with a girl instead of trying to fill awkward silences.

Much of what a cold reader does is simply repeating back what the subject has said.  If for instance she affirms that she’s on the verge of making this big decision, you should nod wisely and say, “Yes, that’s right, and you’re really having a hard time with it.”  Just act as if you already knew what she was going to say!

Some other Cold Reads that are totally vague yet utterly “profound”:

“I can tell you have a strong need for others to admire you, but you also have a tendency to be too critical of yourself.”

“You’ve got a hidden talent, a passion, that most people don’t know about… and you want to pursue it.  But something is holding you back…”

“At times you’re really social and outgoing.  But other times you’re reserved and introverted…”

Once you begin adding Cold Reads into your conversations with women you’ll soon get a feel for which ones work the best.  Just focus in on those and make up more engaging stories to re-enforce them.  To learn more about these Cold Reading techniques and dozens of my other sneaky conversational tactics, have a look at my new DVD, “Conversation, Persuasion and Mastery with Women”

Some of  the highlights include:

* Using “Power Phrases” to control a woman’s emotional state and flip ON her attraction switch at will.  Use this to turn boring conversations into a compelling, fun and flirtatious ones…

* How to quietly and subtly lead a woman down the “path to yes” instead of giving her reasons to say “no” to you…

* Great ways to neutralize the romantic effect of other nearby men without having to actually confront them…

So if you’ve been having problems conversing or actually persuading women to do your bidding, then give my DVD a look.  Thanks for your interest!

–

(Editors Note: Dean Cortez is the author is several fascinating PUA programs including his classic, no-punches-pulled “Secrets of Strip Club Seduction“.  I have another guest article by Dean about picking up strippers along with his 10 minute instructional YouTube video posted right here)

Mike I have a few questions…

1) How do you impress in group conversations? Being rather shy and quiet, I often get left out… and feel uneasy about interrupting all the time.

2) For talking to girls on a regular basis, how do I get conversations started the second, third time etc., after we have already met or been introduced.

3) Icebreakers – I know I should not use pick up lines, but I’m still struggling with this as my mind really goes blank when a girl returns my signal. I hesitate and thus diminish my status in her eyes. I know you do not like to tailor lines to the situation, but could you just give me a few examples so I can get the gist of the general format?

4) I get told I am too serious, albeit I have a dry sense of humor. So I’ve tried smiling more and women seem to love that. Should I smile when I talk, smile when I listen… or does the poker faced mysterious stuff, interspersed with smiles in the appropriate places, work better?

Regards
Murray

Hi Murray,

One of the most difficult issues that a lot of guys face is what I call ‘conversational content’, or more specifically, lack thereof!

You too seem to have most of the essential elements of what is needed to make serious progress with women all worked out in your mind, but you’re still at a loss somehow.  It’s like you’re a great artist who has designed the perfect mold for a magnificent statue.  All the framework is in place, all the technical details have been managed to a tee.  Everything is all set to go, but then a problem arises — you don’t have any plaster!

There’s nothing to pour into the mold.

I can see from the techniques and processes you talk about that you’ve acquired a detailed understanding of all the things that you should or could possibly do around women, but you still can’t find a way to make it work.  Here’s why that is so… the focus of your life passion is too narrow.

I suspect that mostly all you think about is solving these social issues you have within yourself and not much else — and yet the more you drill in and focus on all the various places where you feel you’re failing — in social groups, with women, etc — the more elusive the answer seems to become.  That’s because the answer lies not in technique, but in the totality of your PASSION for life.

The more passionate you are about something — the more immersed — the greater will be the ease at which you can begin to connect with others, BASED on that passion.

You’ve already discovered the difficulty of trying to ‘manufacture’ conversation when the vessel (you) is empty.  That’s why you are struggling to sustain conversations… ratchet up the level of discussion on a second occasion of meeting someone, dream up interesting things to say on a first meeting, wonder if you should frame what you say with smiles (it’s always good to smile and have a smile in your voice around women, incidentally.  A mysterious persona seems to be getting misinterpreted as too grim on you).  And so on.  You mention your unease at repeatedly interrupting in groups. This could be because you sense that you don’t have anything important to say.  You’re smart, detailed and intuitive.  You’re just… empty.

There’s only one way to correct that — you have to develop and embrace some kind of passion about life, something that really interests you.  Learn a sport or hobby, join an acting class, become a musician, cycle cross country, join a political cause… it doesn’t matter what captures your soul.  Whatever it is will eventually pull you into it’s world — then your social circles and relationships will begin to emerge from within the framework of that new world.  Your communication and social skills will become transparent once the important thing becomes expressing that passion for life through yourself, and you’ll find yourself worrying less and less about how you’re coming across (and endlessly over-analyzing it!).

You must upgrade your current “passion” for self-improvement with this newer one.  Self-work is great, but it’s also fundamentally anti-social and not really something that can be shared with others, except perhaps in a group therapy-type setting.  That’s one of the reasons you’re having these difficulties thinking up things to talk about.  Right now the only real passion in your life is YOU — and it just doesn’t make for interesting conversation because, well, no one really cares.  Self-interest is a socializing dead-end.  People simply don’t care about someone else’s personal breakthroughs.  People will care about some outwardly directed passion, or about a life’s cause that consumes you, however.

I guess this has been a long and complicated way to say “get a life”, but that really is the message.  And I mean that with no malice intended.  No amount of studying prepared scripts or “talking points” to help you socialize with women will sustain you for very long.  They are only facades after all, with nothing genuine behind them.

What do you talk about after the script runs out?

I know you will probably find this advice difficult to swallow right now because you want to desperately solve your social difficulties first, and then — from that calm place — take up other life interests.  You will always face a struggle to focus on anything else until these issues are solved for you.  I’m telling you though, that you must spin everything around and point your passions outwards on something other than your self-work for now.  Then you will see how magically these perplexing social difficulties will begin to clear up for you.

Mike, I have trouble with the “clever wit” aspect of the flirting game.  I freeze up and can’t think of anything funny to say, and it feels like I should be doing something to lighten up the mood.  It’s really hindering me.  Any suggestions to get me started?

Also, what are good things to talk about in a first encounter to get things going on a romantic track right away?  I always feel like a goddamn interrogator and it doesn’t work, but I don’t know of any other way to keep the conversation flowing.

Jack

Hey Jack,

Clever wit only means that you make funny observations about certain things going on around you, or about universally understood people and events that are currently cooking in our popular culture.  (If the premise of the joke is not universally understood it qualifies as an inside joke.  Not good usually.)

Remember how Jerry Seinfeld used to do it?  Find his re-runs on cable and study them with a more trained eye if you never watched him before.  His is the perfect kind of clever but mostly non-offensive humor that women really dig.

Don’t go overboard with the jokes though, or everything about you will seem forced and unfunny.  And don’t forget that timing is everything in humor — make sure that you pick your spots carefully and only roll out a clever remark when the moment seems just right.  It’s your keen recognition of that certain moment that I think defines what is commonly understood as a “sense” of humor.  In other words, avoid any attempt to force the gag if there isn’t something juicy to grasp onto.  Better you say nothing than take a shitty stab at humor.  (Be careful not to make any jokes about HER or say anything that could be misconstrued as a put down, of course. I shouldn’t even have to say this.)

It’s tough to coach humor — it takes a bit of observational sensitivity mixed with an ability to quickly find the ridiculous side of things, and then point them out in a “cute” way (delivery).  That delivery can vary from deadpan (straight faced) to a wild man persona like Robin Williams, though I would recommend something in between.  This is drawn from your personal style.  Observe, comment, get a laugh.  Then let it rest for a while.  Humor is like salt & pepper — just a touch here and there.

Don’t come off as being too well-rehearsed like you’re doing a goddamn comedy routine!

Instead of dry questioning, talk about the interesting things happening in YOUR life, but in a way that draws her out and gets her talking about her own interests. “I was at the gym working out the other day and blah, blah, blah… tell me, what sort of things do you do to keep yourself in such great shape?” Like that.  This tells her something interesting about yourself, gets her to talk about herself in a way that might uncover some common ground between the two of you (you’re fishing around for topics), and sneaks in a sly compliment about her great looks as a bonus (that’s always the best way to lay in a compliment… with subtlety!).

Always try to stay laid back — ceaseless interrogating makes you seem intense and inexperienced, and ratchets up the pressure on her too, because it becomes obvious that you’re trying to “pick her up”.  The discomfort this creates will make her want to get away from you ASAP.  Lighten up, loosen up… and act like you do this stuff all the time (even if you don’t, how the hell can she possibly know that?…)

Well I’ve got my latest video production finished after a surprising amount of work, several weeks worth actually.  This project definitely grew more complex as it went along and the final product ended up being longer than I’d originally imagined it would be.  I guess it will probably exceed the attention span of a lot of folks (especially on YouTube, which is what it was intended for), but I wanted to talk about each of the books a bit and give you a sense of the philosophy that went into them, so it is what it is.

I had a lot of fun with the music mixing and stringing all the clips together, a nice break from writing all the time.

And as your extra special treat the Wizard himself steps out from behind the curtain and gives a brief hello and goodbye at either end! 

As always I would appreciate your comments.

(If the video doesn’t display or play correctly, you can watch it directly from YouTube here)

Hi Mike,

What would be a good way to show your interest to a shop sales assistant or to someone else whom you have only just met?   How would you apply this to strangers in the street for instance… just stop them and start a chat?    Seems a bit predatory to me.   For instance, I see pretty girls walking around our building at work as I wander about, but they are in completely unconnected departments to me and so I have no cause to come into contact with them.   And it seems as if I have developed a mental block when it comes to chatting up women while out and about.   There seems to be no valid reason to invade their privacy, even just to make small talk.   It’s not like you’re at a bar where people go to deliberately to drink and chat.   What do you think?

Thanks,
Albert

Hi Albert,

Sometimes the issue with this “pull-tabbing” task (as I describe it in my new book) isn’t so much about knowing exactly what to say to women, as it is coming to grips with how you FEEL about saying it.   As long as you continue to feel that approaching women is creepy and predatory in some way, no matter what the circumstance or surroundings, you will always come across poorly because your discomfort will be evident in your attitude and presentation of yourself.

In order to remain relaxed at this game you have to diminish the stakes involved, which means that you must approach any and all opportunities in the spirit of curiosity rather than as a life-or-death mission powered by some ulterior motive.  You need a re-arranged mindset that completely reverses this outlook for you — especially the part about the ulterior motive, which is why the process now must seem vaguely ‘predatory’ to you.

Flirting with women and asking them out on dates is a GIFT that you bestow upon them — it’s not some lecherous verbal grope that you need to slink around being ashamed of.   You must begin to think of the flirting & meeting process as something that both you and the women will enjoy if done properly and with a touch of class.  You are a High Status Male who has perfectly natural desires and is not afraid to seek avenues to satisfy them. Women love being hit on as long as the mans’ approach is classy, upbeat and seemingly spontaneous.  It puts a spring in their step for the rest of the day knowing that a man felt attracted enough by them to set aside any stuffy social rules-of-conduct and actually take a chance to meet them!   This is essence of romance… think of the plots of soap operas and “chick’ movies.   They live for this stuff… even if they won’t admit it!

Hello Mike,

I’ve been working basically on talking to girls and saying “Hi”, just to get rid of my fear of approaching them.  I was in the club last night and there was this girl that I really liked but before I could gain the courage to approach another guy had moved on her.   I’d like to know what is the best way to go about approaching girls in clubs.  Thanks.

Ted

Hi Ted,

Thanks for writing.  Clubs can be tough, they are not the normal world where regular sort of social techniques are effective.  Everybody has their eyes on the top 10% of hot bodies (both men and women) and everyone else looks diminished and low quality in their shadow.   This makes it damn hard to get a “hearing” from women, so it’s a tough environment that requires a thick skin for rejection.  That’s because girls who would otherwise pick up a flirt and play around for awhile with any guy like yourself will reject you pretty quickly instead, especially if it’s obvious to them that you don’t have a lot of “club mojo” or aren’t a regular player in that environment.

Here’s 3 things to know about working in clubs:

1) You have to open with a big playful flirt, something like “Hey baby, you were smokin’ out there on the dance floor! Very nice, I love that _____ look (mention something unique about her look), it’s great.” This delivery should be big and grand and done with a laughing, joking demeanor.  A meek little “Hi my name is Joe…” approach here will be ignored.   You’re invisible giving off this little energy.

2) Watch her eyes! If you get good eye contact and she picks up your flirt you have a shot.  If she won’t meet your eye, then bail-out and save yourself.   She’s a queen who’s not interested in you, for whatever reason.   Pushing further will only draw a firmer rejection.   So you have to sort through them fast in this environment because a lot of them are just out shitting around with girlfriends and ego-tripping on all the guys hitting on them or staring and drooling.  Many have boyfriends.   Women will usually make this sort of grading determination about a man (hot-or-not) in about 3 minutes — in the real world.   In “club reality” you probably have a minute or less.

3) Everything is time-compressed in a club, there’s no getting phone numbers or having long, pleasant conversations here.   It’s all about ACTION and moving and dancing. You have to seem like a player and not a wallflower or you become background noise that gets ignored.   Move around, talk up lots of women, dance.   When women are in motion their juices are flowing and the men appear sexier and more appealing to them. That’s why guys often end up doing it right out in the parking lots with these chicks — time compression means cutting right to the chase lots of times.   This is not a venue to meet people for later dating, it’s about TONIGHT!  What happens tonight.   Lots of touching, flirting, sexual innuendo are in order.   The women are there to get buzzed up and excited and possibly have some kind of adventure tonight — not to meet nice guys.

If you can learn to shift gears and take on a “club-face”… dance, circulate around, become a recognized face, and especially get gossiped about by the women, then you can do well in this environment.   It can be tough for introverts, but if you want to play in this arena then you have to train yourself for this style of game, just like an athletic event.

Hey, I’m finally moving into the scary brave new world of video! I’ve been playing around with this new technology a little bit… always late and behind the curve as usual.  So I made up a little 3 minute test vid — it’s just a small article about being friends with women that I basically just read the voiceover to while a series of still photos drift along through the screen.  I just wanted to see how the software worked and I ended up having some fun with the pan and zoom feature.  This gives apparent motion to a still (boring) image and makes it look more professional.  (I used to be a photolab tech and still enjoy working with images.)

Anyway, here’s the video:

Kind of silly I guess in terms of content, but for just screwing around I’m pretty proud of it!   

It actually took some doing to figure out how best to make those titles — the text editor is a bit clunky — but I got a usable result that you can at least read.  You’ve really got to have patience putting these things together and be willing to wait for the software to render as it goes along.  If you try to stack up too many tasks the computer just locks up and forget it.  You’re really running the ol CPU at full throttle.  Fun stuff.   More to come soon…

Comments, comments please!!!…

(If the video doesn’t display or play correctly, you can watch it directly from YouTube here)