The High Status Male

By Guest Writer Christian Hudson

Guys, here’s a simple fact of life:

Dj’s get all the girls!

But here’s the real question… is it possible for YOU to learn how to possess this same kind of mojo and peel some of this action off for yourself?

A few years ago, I got into DJ’ing as a hobby.  As someone who used to love playing video games, and who loves music even more, it was like a perfect marriage.  Something about composing fun mixes on a device that’s basically a Fisher Price toy for grown up boys… many nights were spent figuring out how to pump out the jams on my VCI-300.

For most nascent DJ’s, the first few months are solitary.  There were nights when I’d be up until 3 or 4 AM, learning the songs, the points to come in and out, which songs worked well with which songs.  Like the mad scientist who made the accidental discovery that sulfur is the missing ingredient to make rubber pliable,  I’d never have guessed that “Take On Me” and “In Da Club” blend together perfectly, until I was playing around with 89-92 bpm songs late one winter night.

The first few performances are nerve-wracking, and going from bedroom DJ, to performer… it’s all about being able to pay attention to the crowd and having the sense to know if you need to loop the chorus one more time because they’re loving it so much, or if it’s time to totally change things up.

And when you start to get really good… when you drop 5, 10, 20 songs in a row, and EVERY one of them hits because you’re just that tuned into the crowd, and they’re just that tuned into you, well… the girls want to be a part of the magic you’re creating.  Once she’s behind the booth, there are a ton of little tricks you can do, games you can play, easy ways to “teach her” how to DJ (and sneak in a kiss along the way).  But it all starts with those lonely 3AM practice sessions.

At an abstract level, digital DJ’ing isn’t too different than playing video games.  You practice hitting a bunch of buttons in succession, and moving some analog controllers, in order to get something on your computer screen to do something you want it to do.

But there are three significant differences.

1.) DJ’ing is creative. Perhaps not as much of an art form as songwriting, but it’s YOUR expression, good or bad.  Video games aren’t about creating, they’re about consuming; in this case, consuming the problems sets and reaction tests that the developers have created for you.

2.) Once you step beyond the bedroom, DJ’ing is a social hobby. You’re out performing in front of people, engaged with people, and showing them a good time.  Video Games are generally anti-social, and while the Wii, Xbox Live and Farmville have gone a long ways to making them more social activities, they’re generally things you do with no more than a few other people while you’re sitting on a couch.

3.) DJ’ing is so active that it’s inter-active. High energy levels, people dancing… it’s very different from the more relaxed nature of gaming.  And yes, I know that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 can be hair-raising if you’re playing it, but if you’re just watching two of your friends try the air cover mission again and again, it’s only a few points more exciting than Friends reruns.

Now listen, I don’t want to hate on video games.  Plants Vs. Zombies led to two of the most enjoyable wasted days of my life.  But I do want to point out how two activities with similar “mechanics” can have profoundly different effects on your attractiveness.  Whether you’re a DJ, an avid gamer, or neither, this stuff falls under a term we call Passive Value.   It’s how a woman would describe you to her friends.

Like it or not, there are some elements of passive value that are more attractive than others.  In general…

- someone who Creates is more attractive someone who Consumes.

- someone who is Social is more attractive than someone who is Solitary.

And the guys who are “9’s and 10’s” – the guys every woman wants – they tend to score highly in the passive value category.  Even a dirt-poor man can score major points if his photography is a thing of beauty.

One way of thinking about all of this might be to call it “lifestyle”, but the way the term is used in the dating community it has a rather narrow definition. This isn’t merely about whether you have a lot of friends or not.  Passive Value is a lot broader… and a lot more reflective of who YOU are as a person.

And it’s merely one of the elements of attractiveness that you’re going to learn how to expand dramatically in my Unbreakable program.  Unbreakable lays out a blueprint on how to become a 9 or a 10 in the eyes of women… so much so that your confidence becomes natural and instinctive… so that you won’t just “get” attraction from her, but that she’ll BE ATTRACTED to you.  Take a look:

Unbreakable

We get fantastic testimonials every day… if you look on my Facebook wall today, you’d see the guy who wrote this:

“Hey Nick and Christian, I just want to say Unbreakable totally changed my life. Three thumbs up!”

I know you’re gonna love it.

Christian Hudson
Author: B4UTXTHER, Conquer Your Campus, Becoming Unbreakable

Most of us men know all too well that horrible moment of quiet terror when we’re steeling ourselves to “spring the question” on some girl at work or school and ask her out on a date! Our heart races and our throat tightens as the moment approaches — and we begin desperately trying to talk ourselves out of it: “she won’t say yes, it’s impossible… she’s got a boyfriend… she’s got exams coming up, she’s way too busy, she’s out of my league…”. Sort of comical I suppose, but disturbing nonetheless.

This anxious reaction in guys facing this sort of situation is more common than you might imagine.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any easier to live through for some of us.  After all, you are preparing yourself to stand psychologically “naked” before some girl and expose your (possibly shame-bound) desires to her.  So some level of fear must be normal, you would think, right?  But THIS intense?  So terrifying that I can’t speak or even MOVE?!

So the real question is this: how do you distinguish between the common and quite rational fear of being rejected by a woman, and the more complex issue of chronic love shyness?

Here’s a little test: do you find it’s impossible to engage a woman with romantic intent even when she’s sending you “GO” signals all over the place with obvious body language cues, or unmistakable flirtatious behavior?  If she’s making it so perfectly clear that she’s NOT going to reject you, then what’s there to be afraid of?

Well, what you could be afraid of is revealing to her your very secretly shamed need for affection.  See, at some point in your life you were made to feel ashamed whenever you expressed a desire for love and affection, and it caused this very basic (and normal) human desire to become shame-bound, i.e., linked to the sensation of shame so that you could not experience one without feeling the other along with it. A shamed emotion is perceived as painful, alien and strange — and therefore must always be kept hidden from view of others!

Shame like this can become so overwhelming that it becomes known as toxic.

Now sometimes the misery of shame-induced love shyness can be temporarily suppressed with the use of drugs, food or alcohol.  This is the reason people become deeply addicted: because focus on the addictive behavior allows them distraction from the underlying pain, as well as creating some degree of freedom to experience the emotion shamelessly for awhile.  Think of how YOU act when you get too drunk or high.  Pawing every girl in sight at the bar?  That’s because the emotion we most often seek to express when uninhibited by drugs is the one which is the most tightly bound by shame when sober.

The first thing that you need to understand insofar as turning this situation around for yourself is that knowledge is power. Simply having your eyes opened to the mechanics of love shyness and how it has been adversely affecting your life can become a powerful tool for dismantling it.  Knowing and understanding that your shame-bound emotions are something that was done TO you, and is not really YOU (i.e. an permanent aspect of your personality) is an enormous revelation in itself… one that holds vast potential for jump-starting your personal growth almost immediately.

A second weapon you should have in your arsenal against love shyness is what psychologists call desensitization.  This idea makes use of the natural tenancy of the mind to adapt to anything after a while and become bored with it.  What bores us becomes psychologically invisible and eventually gets taken for granted, and when that happens the emotion in question loses its potential to generate any kind of strong response within us, either good or bad.  I mean, an event or experience that provokes no emotion is the very definition of boring, right?

So how do we turn an intense fear of rejection into something that actually bores us?  Try this experiment in personal growth (and mind-over-matter) for yourself: next time you have an opportunity to talk to an attractive woman, even in some non-romantic situation (like work or school), begin to think about asking her out on a date. Really try to do this seriously and not just as a joke in your own mind.  You’re REALLY going to ask her out in five more seconds and reveal to her your shameful need for affection by blushing like a five year old.  Yikes!

If you can do this mental exercise with the sort of intense focus that makes it real within your consciousness, you should begin to feel that familiar fear begin to swell in your chest and choke your throat closed.  Now you’re getting it!

Now here’s the important part: try to HOLD yourself in this uncomfortable state for as long as you can before you excuse yourself and slip away.  Make your retreat calm and sociable and with good humor… don’t just bolt away in panic to the nearest john and start puking! Relax, no one knows what’s going on inside your head except you.  This is the important ‘inner work’ of self-change and personal growth that you are now undertaking.

The trick now becomes to repeat these “near-shame approaches” as often as you can find the opportunity to do so in order for the desensitization to really begin to take effect.  You should push yourself a little closer to opening your mouth and actually speaking the terrifying words “…would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?…” in order to provoke those feelings of intense fear and “shy guy” paralysis that normally haunt you.  By raising the psychological bar like this one small but significant notch at a time, you are slowly making it more and more difficult for the love shyness to take over and set off all those humiliating physical anxiety reactions that you hate so much… things like sweating, nervousness, the squeaky little-kid voice, etc.

Keep this self-restructuring process up for several weeks at least — just whenever you can manage to run a mentally-simulated “approach”.  In essence what you’re doing is toying with your love shyness now… poking and teasing it by deliberately getting close to performing the frightening activity that draws the shameful feelings up out of where they hide deep within your unconscious mind, and forcing them to run their routine for you on demand.

What will happen is that the feelings of shyness will begin to exhaust themselves after a while — especially if you stay determined and keep “false-alarming” them regularly whenever possible.  Each time there will be some degree of mental discomfort to suffer through, and that’s good!  The amazing magic starts to become apparent when after a while, you find that you have to keep getting closer and closer to the edge of actually speaking the words before you can get the fear to bubble up inside your gut.

Now you’re beginning to cripple your love shyness!

Each time that you drag the fearful feelings up it’s like using mental sandpaper to scratch them down to a smaller and smaller nub.  With such frequent and repeated “sanding” your despised veneer of shyness will soon become thinner and less powerful in its grip over you.  One day you’ll find that you can actually go right through the entire routine FOR REAL and ask a girl out on a real date… and without hardly feeling any nervousness about it in the least!

I know that caught in the grip of your fears right now this may all seem impossible to conceive of even as you are reading this… but the techniques of desensitization DO work wonders.  They are commonly used by psychotherapists everywhere to cure seriously anxious people of some very strong phobias, such as a pathological fear of flying, leaving the safety of their home, driving across tall bridges, etc.  So you can surely do this with a “lightweight” phobia such as fear of rejection without much help beyond your own determination and by using the techniques that I just showed you.

Your defeated love shyness will simply give up and go away before long… too exhausted to torment you any longer.

–

Copyright 2010 by Mike Pilinski

Let’s talk about what it means to be a shy person and why having this moniker hung on you can be a heavy personal burden to bear.  Shyness in general, and especially in youngsters, is a cautionary reaction designed to make you ‘freeze up’ in a sort of protective instinct that goes something like this: “If I just stand here, say nothing and remain invisible, then no harm will come to me…” Now for a kid, this might make sense.  Unfortunately, this sort of reflexive tendency to lock-up around unfamiliar people or situations can persist into adulthood as a nasty bad habit, and that’s when it becomes trouble.

For guys especially shyness can be socially devastating because it makes it virtually impossible for you to make that first ‘revealing move’ around women… the sort of action that can signal your possible romantic interest in her.  This puts you at a major disadvantage on the romantic playing field because, if you are always “turtling-up” into this ego-protective mode, then you are certainly not connecting with anyone!

That said, here are 7 key pointers about becoming more social that every shy person should thoroughly understand:

1)  While shyness can sometimes be considered “cute” in women it is absolutely deadly for men. Here’s why: because appearing or acting shy is a bright red signal flare of low male status.  It’s an indication that you have been ‘put in your place’ by the other men in your world — that they have cowered and bossed and mocked you into submission, and now it makes itself visible for all to see in your shy behavior.

Now perhaps you’ve been able to create an aura of accomplishment and respectability around yourself in your professional (non-romantic) life that gives you some shielding from the worst of your shyness — but these defenses quickly lose their power when it comes to being judged worthy of romantic possibility by women.  Females have a unique power to pierce and destroy the pretenses established at great cost and effort by men — and it’s the thought of coming face-to-face with this awesome power from which a lot of your rejection-fearing shyness probably arises in the first place.

2)  Most people actually HATE being around a shy person. Why?  Because demonstrating shyness has the effect of causing many people’s OWN latent shy feelings to come bubbling up to the surface (and everyone has a little bit of shyness lurking in them somewhere for this to play on…).  “He’s always acting so shy, he starts to make ME feel shy… I hate that!” What you are doing is (unwittingly) engaging in a subtle psychological practice called MODELING.  When we model certain actions and behaviors in front of others they tend to unconsciously pick them up and mimic them, especially if there’s a wall of formality still existing between people (i.e., total strangers) and therefore a bit of nervousness involved in their behaviors towards one another.

Test this out for yourself: next time you are face-to-face with someone and you both have drinks in front of you for instance, watch how many times you can pick up your drink, or toy with the straw or something, and the other person will almost immediately begin doing the exact same thing without even thinking about it.  That’s modeling! Now if you are aware of what you’re doing and purposeful in your actions, it’s possible to have people copying your behaviors and attitudes all over the place.  These are actually common politician’s and salesman’s tricks that you can borrow and use to your advantage if you, again, are purposeful and can practice living outside of your own head a little bit.

3)  Roll over all small embarrassments and make nothing of them. Much of your shyness has to do with being too inwardly-directed — simply meaning that you tend to dwell too much on what’s going on inside your own “thought cloud” rather than being fully engaged within your surrounding environment.  The typical shy person has a tendency to assign too much importance to every little thing that he does or every little move that he makes.  Stop this right now by getting out of your head in any way that you can manage to do so.  Focus more on modeling and controlling your “puppets” if you must!

4)  Stop obsessing over every little thing that you might feel like saying — essentially pre-editing yourself out of many good conversations before they can even begin! I used to do this all the time: pre-judging and PRE-REJECTING everything that I was about to say before the words ever made it out of me.  You feel like others are constantly judging your thoughts and ideas every second of the day, and this kind of intense scrutiny — imaginary or not — is difficult to hold up under.  It’s little wonder that you are reluctant to speak up!  I think this is why introverts find people to be more a source of stress to them rather than of comfort.  It’s also one of the major reasons why being social may feel like such a chore for you, when it can often seem like such a breeze to most everyone else.

The sad part is that the entire underlying dynamic causing this pre-rejecting response (i.e., the intense scrutiny of others) doesn’t even exist in actuality.  It’s entirely in your mind for the most part, and you are merely projecting all this garbage onto others and seeing what really isn’t there. This is a form of paranoia, but it’s also a form of arrogance as well.  Arrogance?  That’s right: after all, what makes YOU so special that everyone is always watching YOU and everything that you are doing all the time?  Why do YOU deserve such constant observation?  Well you don’t, and you aren’t getting any! This is all what’s known as ‘magical thinking’, and it’s an error in cognition that you need to address and overcome.

5)  Shyness is a distortion of our natural sense of shame — which has gone off the rails and become associated with emotions that are not inherently shameful. Shame is the master controller emotion of the entire human race and has been used as such throughout history.  It is wielded as a psychological bludgeon by societies, parents, religions (they are experts!…) and almost every other sort of collective gathering of people to steer individual behaviors towards some commonly accepted norm.  Most of us would not walk around naked in public for instance, because we would be ashamed to do so.

But do we have some sort of natural instinct that makes us feel weird and uncomfortable about walking around publicly naked?  Not necessarily, we were TAUGHT at some young age to keep our clothes on and our private parts covered around others by our parents.  This was a “rule” they imposed at some appropriate moment, and they likely had to make us feel ashamed about our nakedness at some point in our development in order to get us to comply with this rule.  Once scolded and “embarrassed” about it, our desire to be naked in public then became shame bound — that is, the feeling of shame was successfully linked to this idea of wanton exhibitionism in order to inhibit the desire.  It therefore became impossible to experience this desire without feeling ashamed about it! The two sensations became tightly linked (bound) at the deepest levels of our consciousness.

When shame becomes associated or “bound” to the wrong sorts of emotions however (like our natural human need to feel affection for instance) it can make us unable to experience these particular emotions in the absence of the shame.  And because shame is so uncomfortable to experience, we will usually seek to maneuver clear of this psychic pain by avoiding whatever stimulus threatens to trigger it off.  We “shy” away from such stimuli. Socializing with other people (and especially in a potentially romantic context) can unleash a Pandora’s Box of different emotions.  This is normal.  However, if any of these critical emotions have become shame-bound at some point along the way, then they cannot be experienced without the associated torment of shame being present as well.  Thus, we are made to suffer adult shyness in this sad and maddening way.

Shame that has gotten itself twisted around our normal emotions where it doesn’t belong is known as toxic. This is a large and complex subject that I talk about in my books and is really beyond the scope of this short article.  Suffice to say that toxic shame is the basis of almost every sort of addictive behavior that you can imagine — from alcohol to overeating, rage, sadness, hard drugs like cocaine or even obsessive work-aholism.  That’s because we have a powerful urge to escape from shame’s poisonous effects in whatever way that we can.  Certain things must therefore be made off limits to us and cannot be experienced as they should be.  Our spirit becomes strangled over time, and we seek to nullify this chronic pain with the distractions of our addictions.

6)  Discover the power of self-compassion to overcome chronic shame and self-hatred. Shy people are often so mentally tough on themselves that it’s no wonder they constantly act as though they’ve been cowered into submission.  They have been: by an internal cognitive monster called the Tyrannical Conscience.

Ask yourself this: who else do you HATE so badly that you would wish the same kind of monster to enter their brain and torture them as relentlessly as you torture yourself with thoughts of fear, uncertainty and inadequacy?  What?… you say that no one else deserves such cruel treatment?  Only you?  Well now there’s that good ol’ arrogance again… this idea that only YOU can be held to such high, God-like standards of performance to which you repeatedly fail to measure up (and therefore must be made to feel ashamed about).  Everyone else (all those lower class beings?…) get a pass I guess.  They get compassion, but not you.  Shame can create such thinking distortions known as grandiosity — what John Bradshaw in his great book “Healing The Shame That Binds You” calls the Disabled Will.

7)  Shyness in adults is learned behavior — essentially a bad habit. This is actually good because it means that it is possible to completely reverse your shyness!  Since the original fear which the shyness was designed to protect you against no longer exists, once the “back of your shyness is broken” it should not return.

Remember, it doesn’t matter that you may have to “trick” yourself into getting started down the road to defeating your shyness, all that matters is the final RESULT.  Actors and sports stars use similar mental tricks to get themselves up for a game or a performance, and no one gives them any grief about it.  So why can’t you do the same?

Your job as a recovering shy person is to first embrace this serious flaw in your thinking without fear and then move forward to correct it.  No anger or regret, just strength of purpose.  And lots of self-compassion for a change.

For all you guys out there who are having a difficult time attracting the romantic attention of women, one major reason for this could be due to your lack of a confident male display.  This is that invisible and silent “vibe” that you are always sending out about yourself to females everywhere.  If your own male ‘love beacon’ has been broadcasting a weak and unappealing signal that’s been getting you nowhere lately, then you need to boost up the strength of this Love & Romance energy field and make it shine with the light of unstoppable courage!  This is essentially the master seducer’s secret to success: quietly capturing the interest of a woman away from the men who surround her with his A+ male display, and then gradually monopolizing it until he’s got her completely hooked into him.

Well check this out… here are 5 Instant Confidence Boosters that can immediately help you begin appearing onto the romantic radar screens of women everywhere, ASAP:

1) The #1 mental gear-shift that can almost instantly improve your outlook on most everything and make you appear more confident to everyone involves creating a brand new mental Confidence Frame for yourself… and then plastering it all over your reality!

What am I talking about?  A confidence frame is a highly personalized LENS through which you view the world.  It’s a mental filter — a “coloring” that determines your perception OF (and reaction TO)  what’s going on in your presence.  Your confidence frame is more than just an academic exercise however, it tends to constrain what is or isn’t viewed as possible for you to achieve by setting limits beyond which you’ve convinced yourself that you cannot venture.  Your confidence frame operates by overlaying a veneer of assumptions across whatever it is that you’re witnessing — and it’s those personal limitations that determine the sorts of “safe” interactions that you can engage in with any particular situation or person.

You can think of this as the invisible boundaries defined by your fear.

Here’s how it works: two people standing side by side viewing the same reality will apply entirely different biases (assumptions) to what their seeing, and thus create completely different (even totally OPPOSITE) interpretations of that situation.  For instance, I see a girl standing there and I think that it’s possible for me to walk up to her and get a conversation going, and you think that this isn’t possible for YOU to do.  Neither one of us is actually right or wrong in a strict sense — and our “overlay of assumptions” may have little to do with our actual chances of making this happen anyway, since it cannot take into account the one big ‘unknown’… if she would even be remotely interested in either one of us!

What it DOES do however is position us to either take or withhold a particular sort of action based upon our applied bias to this neutral observation of a girl who’s just ’standing over there’.  This GO / NO-GO decision point (and you live through several of these each day) has the potential to change the trajectory of your life to some major or minor degree — depending upon what you actually decide do… make a move, or simply allow the moment to pass.

The built-up weight of these kinds of collective choices, in retrospect, are what determines where you are in your life right now — which is essentially a patchwork of all these decision points both big and small that you have made along the way.  Sure, some of the reality of your world may’ve been imposed upon you by the actions of others or by circumstances beyond your control, but a lot of it wasn’t.  It is mostly our own choice to be where we are today (even if the main “chooser” was our fear). People with a social anxiety phobia for instance have applied a strong negative bias to most every aspect of their reality, which thus colors their world through a prism of abject fear.  You should strive to stay out of this deadly trap of fear-based decision-making and begin coloring YOUR world through the lens of limitless possibility.

2)  Get all the people who “know” you as being sad, depressed or lonely OUT of your life. I’m serious.  Do whatever it takes (short of anything violent) to diminish the supporting effect they are having on the psychic MONSTERS that you are trying to flush out of your skull!

The people around you can often feel threatened by any sudden change in your attitude or physical state — especially if those changes are life-enabling for you. Such personal changes threaten to have you moving “out in front of them” in terms of where they imagine you to belong in their own personal pecking order (which is usually somewhere beneath you, of course).  I’m talking about work, school, and especially within your own family structure.  You need to begin casting a more critical eye upon these individuals and begin grading them for their usefulness to you.  Don’t assume that these people have your best intentions at heart, they often do not.

In my books I talk extensively about male status and becoming the “high status male” in order to begin attracting the kind of high quality women that you desire into your world.  People who can support you rather than drag you down.  Well, you cannot feel that you are high status in any sense of the word if you are constantly being put down by the people that surround you.  These individuals act as physical manifestations of the poisonous thinking that’s going on inside your head. They re-enforce your circular rotten thinking, and they need to go!

3)  Dump good old “schmootie” or “titso” forever. Or whatever other sort of cutesy, put-downish nickname that others may’ve stamped you with over the years.  Think about some of the more powerful and respected people that you know of.  Do they get these sorts of stupid nicknames hung on them?  Do people dare call them by it to their face… or are they afraid of the consequences?  Or maybe just too respectful? Again, as noted in confidence booster #2, this sort of thing represents all the external inertia present in your world which works against your making any sort of positive, uplifting changes in your life.  This is entirely toxic to the free and full expression of your existence.  Get rid of it! You have 2 choices here: face these people down or flee them.  Either method will work — although the first has the added benefit of improving your self-esteem enormously.

I realize that the number of people we could be talking about or the pervasiveness of their low regard for you may make this seem like an impossible task, as you could be vastly outnumbered by these agents of psychic doom.  Regardless, you must revolt against their endless tyranny and seek your own mental freedom!

4) Taking a major mulligan (a “do over”) on your life can be thought of as your next really big confidence booster… in the sense that you will ultimately walk away from such a fearful experience a VASTLY stronger person.  Especially if you’re in the 20 to 40 age range reading this right now, you will be thanking your lucky stars that you took up the challenge of personal self-change when you did because it only gets tougher as you get older and more set in your ways and attitudes.

I’m talking about seeking out a completely new circle of friends where you can finally get some emotional support.  This may mean having to discover entirely new social circles, changing schools, your place of employment, a spouse… or maybe even the radical decision to pack your bags and leave town.  It all depends on just how much importance you are willing to give this crazy idea that having some RESPECT from others (and also from somewhere deep inside your own head) is worth more than the safety and security of holding onto your current crummy life situation.

It means looking the risk of building a new life for yourself straight in the eye… and refusing to blink!

5)  Know and understand the critical importance of long-term MOTIVATION when mounting any sort of major challenge to your well-established routines and habits — and especially when trying to break out of calcified old thinking ruts.  Your brain has made subconscious assumptions about the limits of possibility for you.  It has spent a lifetime subtly directing your thoughts and behaviors in ways that create a supporting reality… thus “proving” everything it believes about you to be “true”.

These profound if poisonous self-created assumptions can get themselves buried in very deep — and can therefore take a very powerful commitment of motivation to reverse.  Attempting to just casually sweep these rooted-in ideas aside in the service of more positive ones will likely be regarded as a THREAT to the very existence of the subconscious itself… and so will be viciously resisted at every turn.  This is why it can be so difficult to remain motivated to stay at positive personal change until it finally begins to take hold, but this is the task that you must now shoulder.  Otherwise, this is a process that runs almost hypnotically and unconsciously unless you deliberately force it to STOP.

Finally, whether it’s something physical like losing weight or quitting smoking, or something completely psychological like changing your fundamental belief system, you’ll find that Courage and Self-Awareness are your best friends for remaining in the fight long enough to achieve the kind of boost in confidence that you are seeking.  Just stay true to yourself — and stay in the fight no matter what sort of blowback you encounter.  Remember that no one can prevent you from having anything that you truly desire in life.  Except you.

–

And speaking of having more confidence…

You know that I just posted my entire Kick Ass Confidence 7 Part Audio Training Series up online as a totally FREE giveaway program, right?  So go listen to the entire 90 minute program for nuthin’… take a look and sign-up on the following page:

http://www.ka-confidence.com

Thanks!
~MP

Nothing creates a more attention-grabbing romantic signal that most women will immediately take notice of than the magnificent display of Confidence in men.  Whether it’s actually while in the act of “hitting” on her itself, or merely doing something powerfully in her presence, confidence always makes a stunning impact on women!

A dynamic display of self-confidence can have a near magical ability to influence others and get them to RESPECT you as well — and it’s especially important for women to see men as being confident because it plays into their subconscious grading system via which they sort out the (attractive) high status males from their (less desirable) low status counterparts.

Here’s an important fact that you may not be aware of: men gain most of their natural confidence not so much by interacting with women, but by competing against one another. So your seeming LACK of it will be read by a lot of these women as a measure of your submission to these other men… professionally, financially, physically, etc.  You have apparently been made into one of their bitches and now it shows through in your shyness and lack of self-confidence!

This may not be entirely fair, but you need to understand little IS fair in the game of romance and seduction — and so it’s something that you need to factor in when it comes to getting yourself seen as being out there “on the playing field”… an important appearance that you should always try to maintain.

So in light of all this, here are 7 important confidence tips that can really help you pump-up a weak and paltry male display:

1)  Realize that most people are probably just as big a bundle of doubts and insecurities as you are, probably even more so. And especially women… and DOUBLE especially if she’s a 9 or 10! This is the ‘hidden insecurity’ phenomenon that the pick up artist’s technique known as “neg hitting” attempts to exploit, (although I myself am not a practitioner of this particular fine art, charming little sweetheart that I am)…

Regardless, understand that we are ALL fighting with these same challenges and demons… merely to different degrees.  So keep soldiering on — you are not alone in your struggles!

2) People are NOT mind readers… which means that they cannot peer into your soul and know your deepest fears at a mere glance.  So if you appear to be confident around them, then who are they NOT to believe you?  “Hey, this guy seems pretty confident in himself for some reason, so I guess I’ll go along with it…” This gives us the advantage of being able to “fake it until we make it” and pad our male display with some early bluffing until our personal change becomes more genuine and deeply integrated into our core personality.

Look, you’re probably already practicing exactly the opposite process right now when you consistently keep talking the wrong sort of internal self-talk to yourself.  You are essentially hypnotizing yourself into acting in ways that support a poor and unattractive self-image.  So if you want a better self-image, then learn to fill your head with better thoughts about yourself and your value as a person than you do now. Inner game is essentially 99% of the “secret” to coming off like the confident alpha male around women!

3) Try to always remain aware of your body language and the kinds of “plus or minus” subliminal signals about yourself that you could be broadcasting to women — they have an extremely sensitive radar for this sort of thing, and especially when it comes to men.  I’m talking about things like shoulders back, head up, solid eye contact, being at ease about casually being the first to touch someone non-offensively (an assumed HSM “privilege”).

Hey, don’t be afraid to employ a few “cheap trick” confidence tips like this next one to get some early points on the board for yourself:  For instance, if you’re still too shy to meet someone’s eye directly, then stare at their nose. Seriously, it’s an old salesman’s trick… people cannot tell the different between someone staring at the bridge of their nose and someone who’s looking them straight in the eye.  Try it today and see for yourself.  (And also take note the more positive reaction that you are pulling from people as well… The power of confidence!)

4) If you see yourself as being confident in your own mind, then you will give off a confident “vibe” about yourself without even being aware of it. This has to do with the inability of the human mind to distinguish between common everyday reality and a richly-imagined fantasy.  Your imagination is the gateway to achieving feelings of deep self-worth, so learn how to use it to “fool” your subconscious mind into seeing yourself in a stronger frame. What you are looking to do is create an emotion more overwhelming than your fear.  This will allow you to begin seeing the people around you differently, while having them view YOU differently as well.

It’s from this shift in subliminal vibes that new social opportunities will soon begin to appear all around you — and your shiny new cloak of unstoppable confidence will be the power that drives it forward!

5) Never worry about having to “back up” your confidence — almost no one ever has to do this.  People see you acting confidently and that’s just the way it is, they simply accept it.  Rarely will anyone challenge you to “prove” it (prove what?).  It’s only those guys who really insist on pressing what a tough guy they are that eventually end up in fights.  This isn’t confidence, it’s bravado.  Like having a fat ‘tell’ in poker.

Look, there’s no shame in trying to change whatever poor thinking it is that’s currently holding you back from participating fully in the game of love and romance, so don’t worry about any of this high-minded BS.  These are just mental red herrings designed to keep you distracted from making serious personal change in your life.  No one can know what you are doing in the privacy of your own mind, and it’s none of their business anyway – so feel free to imagine your way straight into a better life!

6) Get good at something that makes you look cool and/or powerful and competent and show it off somehow (guitar hero anyone?… just kidding .  Seriously.  Why not strive to become skilled at some type of activity, trade, sport or even a cool hobby like rock climbing to help yourself attract women?  Start with some modest demonstration of your prowess and just keep playing it up.  Soon you’ll begin to gather a following of closer friends and maybe even a few fans as well.  (Just don’t “pied-piper” them all into the jungle one day and have them sample your specially formulated kool-aid…!)

7)  Surrender the Self-Hatred and let your spirit fly! Give up once and for all on the misguided belief that your station in life is somehow genetically or culturally imposed upon you, and that you are permanently stuck right where you are.  That’s Middle Age-going-nowhere sort of thinking.  What it really is, is self-hatred keeping you locked in its “hopeless and helpless victim” trap.  It performs this little feat by making any other alternative life-path seem impossible for you to achieve, which is utter nonsense of course.

Take a chance to prove this to yourself today by challenging your fear in some significant way.  Get mad at your fear, take it on! Don’t let these powerful ideas that I’m giving you just go in one ear and out the other… use them!

I think that confidence, to finally describe it, is nothing more than an overriding assumption that things will always go your way in the end… no matter what. But this won’t happen for you until you get out there and demonstrate to yourself that new and vastly different possibilities really can exist… for YOU. Once you achieve this absolutely critical cognitive breakthrough (called, duh… “belief and motivation”…) you’ll finally be able to take those first few baby steps towards massive personal change…

And at that point, believe it or not, the hardest part of the entire journey will already be behind you.

–

And speaking of having more confidence…

I just put my brand new Kick Ass Confidence 7 Part Audio Training Series up online as a totally FREE giveaway program.  That’s right, you can now listen to the entire 90 minute program for free.  Just sign-up on the following page:

http://www.ka-confidence.com

And you’ll get the links for each of the 7 lessons e-mailed to you at 3 day intervals.  This gives you time to listen to each one and perform the little homework assignments before the next part arrives.  It’s a more disciplined way to learn, prevents overwhelm and REALLY WORKS!  Give it a try, and I thank you for your support.  And be sure to spread the word to any of your interested friends who could use a little extra shot of self-confidence. 

~MP

Hello everyone, sorry I haven’t posted in a while… but I’ve been busy, busy cooking up a brand new online FREE Audio Training series that I’m sure you guys will find most useful.  Stay tuned for word on that in the coming weeks…

For now, just this quick announcement concerning the RE-release of my classic “Tome of the PUA Arts”: Without Embarrassment — which I am very pleased to be presenting to you today as a newly upgraded version… IN PRINT!

The books themselves look absolutely beautiful as expected: 6×9 glossy softcover, 300 pages and very professionally produced via Amazon.com’s CreateSpace print-on-demand system.  I’m very proud to be unveiling Without Embarrassment to the world once again in this classy format. E-books may be the future but hey, it’s nice to be able to kick back on the recliner now and then and get away from the computer with a good book!

Both Without Embarrassment and She’s Yours For The Taking are reasonably priced at $24.95 — and I set up a discount code for you to use in celebration of this mini- launch.  Simply go to my Createspace storefront…

…and type in the Discount Code: B9XALS5F at checkout to receive a 10% savings off the cover price!

(For you guys who have a One-Click already setup at Amazon and would rather buy directly through them, you can pull up the book listing right here)

(The discount code does NOT work through Amazon unfortunately.  But you’ve got both options to choose from.)

If you’d like to look over 10 or 15 pages selected at random from the e-book (which is EXACTLY the same content now as the printed book) you can read through some pages posted on the site.  Here’s the link for that (give this page a few seconds to load — these are screen-captured images off the Adobe Reader):

You may also wish to take a peek at the stack of TESTIMONIALS that have coming flying in here over the years for Without Embarrassment…

Finally, take a moment to pop back over to the main page and you’ll see that I’ve chopped the price of the 2 book Combo Pack (the e-book versions) all the way down to $27 bucks from $67 — which is a super-duper crazy Eddie type deal.  I’m now offering my 2 audio programs ‘Dealing With Your Fear of Rejection’ and ‘Kick Ass Confidence’ as separate upsell items for only an extra $10 bucks — which now gives you the option to add them to the books to create the complete “HSM Total Training Package!

Thanks again for all your great support and your inspiring words over the past decade — as always I deeply appreciate all of it!

P.S.  If you decide to order from Amazon.com please DO take a moment to come back after you’ve read the book and leave an honest review for me.  I need reviews!

Valentine’s Day sucks. If you don’t have any romantic partner to ply with silly gifts, it sucks… and if you DO have a girlfriend it still sucks having to buy her a lot of silly, expensive gifts (or else!).

If you’re experiencing the first kind of suckiness, no girlfriend, then let’s resolve to begin making some basic and simple changes to your presentation as a man that will help you solve this problem once and for all.  Here at the High Status Male Blog we like to kick around ideas that we hope can make us more attractive to women.  Women are of course the great and universal Mystery…  Their frivolous behaviors have vexed men throughout the Ages — driving them to commit acts of war, suicide and even murder.

And that was when they weren’t otherwise making us insanely horny, or just plain insane!

A recurring idea in both my books is that men shouldn’t have to obsess too much about their looks as much as their behavior around women, since THIS is what the girls grade us on in the same way that guys scope out their physical charms to decide who’s hot or not.  Yeah, we all know that we’re supposed to act confident around women to project the vibe that we’ve made it far enough up the pecking order that women should take note.  But what does this actually MEAN in terms of the types of behaviors and attitudes that we need to adopt for ourselves?

Here are 7 important signaling behaviors that you should learn how to manage.  See if any of them need to be adjusted in your own personal male display:

1.  Stop Pre-editing Away Your Every Possible Opening Words to a Woman. Or maybe I should say stop totally pre-REJECTING them because, man, that’s what I used to do to myself big time!  In normal everyday conversations I was fine and friendly and even funny — but get me near some hot chick and it was clam-up time.  I remember standing around helplessly in a club right next to a great looking girl wondering what I should “open” with (and this was before I understood what that even meant!…)

I would stand there locked in mental concrete, my mind racing through various different sentences thinking: “that’s sucks… are you kidding me?!   …if I say THAT it will make me sound like a complete loser!…” And then of course there was my personal favorite excuse: “…and so THEN what will you say to her?”

This last one was a real iron curtain for me — I was essentially putting enormous pressure on myself to have some sort of well thought-out conversational script all memorized to a tee and ready to go in my head.  In fact I never actually sat down and wrote out such a script for myself (a mistake), so in addition to having the perfect opening thing to say I was also required to create this script ON THE FLY!

You know how we like to talk about the idea of self-hatred?  Well gentlemen, I present to you Exhibit A!

Notice how best to punish the “hated one”?… by setting the bar for an acceptable performance so high that it becomes impossible to achieve?  This did the trick by seeding a big lump of fear in my mind that would cause me to lock up and never even make an attempt to speak up.

Remember, the High Status Male is King, Boss and Conqueror… he NEVER believes that his words are unimportant or boring (even if they are), and so he speaks freely!  And YOU will listen.  To be self-conscious about your words is a loud LSM (low status male) signal that the women will pick up on right away, so talk.

See how these deadly self-defeating cycles can come to control you?

2.  Start Making Eye Contact With Women. And I mean the GOOD kind where you look away about 20% of the time so as not to slip into a ‘psycho leer’.  I talk about this extensively throughout my books and audios so I won’t get into the whole thing here, but suffice to say that a shifty-eyed presentation of yourself is always a bad deal.  People are made uncomfortable in the presence of someone who won’t look them in the eye.  They begin to wonder why you seem to be acting ashamed or guilty.  What are you hiding?  To varying degrees women will especially get creeped out by this A+ connection killer.

Poor eye contact creates a vibe that’s just the opposite of charismatic – which is the ability to make people feel good about themselves.  Shifty eye contact is anti-charismatic because it forces people to identify with your discomfort instead, and they don’t like that!  They don’t want to hang around with people who give them ‘bad vibes’ — for whatever reason — and would just as soon avoid you altogether.

So if you’ve ever scratched your head wondering why you’re not getting many callbacks or why she won’t answer your post-first-date-callback, this could be a big reason why.  In your nervousness you revert to a turtled-up body language that included an evening-long inability to make eye contact with her, and she was totally put off by this loud signal of male subservience (or disinterest).

As a mechanical quick-fix, you can always practice the tried-and-true “salesman’s trick” whereby you stare at the bridge of someone’s nose if you can’t stand to meet their eye.  Most people cannot tell the difference.  Ultimately though you should seek to raise your confidence around people, and your eye contact will then become more natural and genuine.

It’s okay to use tricks such as these to kick-start your recovery, but you should always be working towards the day when you will no longer have to rely on such trickery to get you through a conversation.

3.  Initiate a Handshake. We all know that a high status male is attractive to women, but what you may not realize is that your status is determined by your day-to-day interactions with other MEN.

Men constantly push, prod, connive, outwork or seek to outsmart their fellow man in the workplace, culture, battlefield, household or any of a thousand other venues in which they interact.  There is always a competition going on to see who’s just a bit more powerful than who.  This game never ends, and much of it goes on subconsciously and almost invisibly.  In many situations basic relationships are already clearly pre-established: Joe is the boss and Ron the employee, Jim the dad and mark the son, or Bill is the Sergeant and Ed the Private.  Whatever… but it’s clear cut.

However, many daily encounters between men who pretty much seem as if they could be on a same level are not as clearly defined, and so a signal is required to establish who is who.  Who is the alpha and who agrees to be the subjugated?

This phenomenon can be played to your advantage if you are aware enough to make a point of establishing yourself as a man to be respected in any casual encounter.  One of the simple ways that you can do this is to be the guy to offer to shake hands first (whenever appropriate of course, such as in a business situation or at a party).  Why is this important?  Because the higher status male conveys a sense of safety to a lower status male by touching him first — but doing it the other way around can be viewed as a challenge.

Think again about the clearly pre-established relationship: the boss can reach out and put his arm around the employee to convey a message of “good job” or “you’re in my favor”.  But reverse this and see what happens: an employee touching the boss unprompted would be seen as disrespectful and perhaps even a challenge to his authority.  It says, “what are you going to do about it?”

So by expressing a desire to shake hands first it can seem as is you are seeking to touch the other guy from a position of strength.  This can be very subtle and probably makes little more than a subliminal impact, but those are usually the best kind!

When you get into the habit of being ‘touch aggressive’ on a regular basis you will begin to establish a bit more respect for yourself.  There will be some push-back from time to time as men continue to jockey against each other for just that shade more status than the other guy (I’m stronger, more intelligent, more courageous, wealthier, etc.).  But at least now you’re playing the game instead of being quickly dispatched off the board by guys who size-up your reluctance to “go first” as an automatic win for themselves.

4.  Speak up. In the same vein as the previous point about handshakes your verbal thrust (or lack thereof) makes a statement about you as well.  The loudest mouth in a group of men is often the alpha.  In one-on-one conversations, alpha usually carries the conversation in some way — from being the more informed or interesting party, to actually giving direct commands in some cases, while the “beta” shuts up and listens!

Another thing the beta male often does to cement his lower status is attempt to sanitize or otherwise try to frame what he’s saying so as not to provoke alpha.  For instance, in that employee-boss situation, the employee may try to break some bad news to the boss softly or in a hedged fashion so as to minimize his displeasure (and possible wrath!).

Whereas the boss simply states his mind with no regard as to how his words may make his subordinate “feel”.  (i.e., “You’re fired Johnson!”)

In neutral encounters where there is no pre-established pecking order, the one who ISN’T afraid to speak up first is usually given a higher status grade by most women who would casually observe such an encounter.

So even if it means stating the obvious, just do it.  Because the actual content of what you’re saying conveys less critical information than the silent signal delivered by just who is talking to whom.  Get it?

Again, subliminal.  But that’s why they call it making an impression.  And these impressions will stack-up in your favor with repeated expression.

5.  Drop Dead and Smile. Now we’re back to your interactions with women.  Nervousness and fidgety jumpiness conveys a signal of having little personal confidence.  Also when we’re nervous we rarely smile but instead wear a mask of concern that can look angry.  This generally doesn’t make a great first impression on women, unless you know how to pull off the strong, brooding, silent type of vibe (although if you could I doubt you would be reading this now!)

A better way to go is to smile and make great eye contact and generally just MODEL the sort of reaction that you want reflected back at you.  Again, imagine the man of considerable status and power: master of his universe, he is calm and collected as he moves through life.  No nervous fidgeting that might reveal an underlying insecurity about… what?  His social skills, his bank account, his fading virility?  Ha!… not a chance!

And yet that’s what YOUR nervousness can convey about you if you’re not careful.

Still nervous anyway?  It’s okay so long as it doesn’t show itself too much visibly.  Again, you can use this little mechanical trick to help yourself out: just hold a thumb pinched between your two fingers on the same hand and squeeze as tightly as you have to.  This gives your nervous system a focal point in the body to quietly discharge itself — allowing the rest of your muscles to relax and stop quivering.  To “drop dead”.

This allows you to project a vibe of calmness that makes that awesome subliminal High Status impression on women which can go very far towards getting you some return interest from them!

6.  Become Comfortable With Silence. This is just the opposite of Point #1… i.e., overthinking everything that you want to say, rejecting it all and then saying nothing at all!

Some guys can’t tolerate any lull in a conversation with a girl and will seek to keep up a constant stream of nervous chatter because, well, they’re nervous.  But just consider for a moment a romantic scene from a typical movie: isn’t it during those moments of silence when the words run out that all the truly important communication begins… spoken with long, penetrating looks and perhaps the first stages of physical contact?

These pivotal moments of emotional / romantic connection will never occur however if you continue to prattle over every potential close moment like Woody Allen on speed!  This blab serves no purpose other than to keep your own anxieties at bay, so stop it!

Remember, one of the principle skills of the seducer is to seize upon moments of conversational lull and use them to move beyond words… to begin guiding a woman towards an eventual physical connection.  This is a skill you want to work on for yourself beginning today.  So the next time you find yourself blabbing away to cover up an uncomfortable silence, try sending her a silent signal of appreciation with your eyes instead.

Remember, YOU may be uncomfortable with silence, but women are drawn into it. Learn to exploit this phenomenon for yourself.

7.  Change Something About Yourself to Improve Your Edge and Get Noticed. LSM’s tend to become socially invisible after a while and will silently fade away into the background.  You need to do something different to start lighting-up on her radar screen!

No need to undergo any sort of colossal surgical makeover either — improving just ONE small but significant thing about yourself can be enough to break everyone’s old, cemented image of you and force them to begin reconsidering who you are.  Grow your hair long, or shave it off.  Get a tat (or a new one that’s cooler).  Try showing up in nice khaki’s instead of the usual dirty jeans — or if you’re a button-down suit-and-tie guy then try loosening up your look a little.  This kind of thing acts as a shock to the system (both to the people around you AND to yourself) and might finally start getting you noticed, maybe for the first time ever! Simple but effective.

–

Well there’s 7 ideas to get you started down the path to some potentially exciting personal change.  Notice what I didn’t tell you to do though… I didn’t tell you to go out and get an expensive new wardrobe or to get rich somehow and buy yourself a flashy new car and some kickin’ bling.  The typical things you might think would be necessary to raise a guys’ status so that women begin noticing him.  These can be your long range goals to change and improve your life, but you must crawl before you can walk and it’s easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged if you try to tackle the task of massive personal change head-on from several directions at once.  Most of us probably wouldn’t even know where to begin!

So your first step will be to assume some of the behaviors of the HSM (even is simulation) and use the improved reactions from women as a basis to build your confidence up, and then just continue moving forward from there.  Remember, the goal is to raise the appearance of your male status for the purpose of getting your foot in the door romantically… getting a momentary flash of interest from a chick that you can then seize upon and begin to build off of.  One step at a time, right?

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT: This non-verbal signal of male attractiveness sets the table in such a way to make it possible for you to avoid being rejected as much as possible.  Otherwise you are constantly trying to fly in the face of a hurricane of female disinterest, and it won’t be long before your fledgling confidence is shattered completely.  You must avoid this.

None of these seven things require any huge investment of money either.  What they mostly require is an awareness of yourself — how you act around others and the effect that it has on them.  By adopting this sort of “fake it before you make it” idea of self-improvement you can begin to bootstrap yourself up out of your current behavioral rut and start to create little social breakthroughs for yourself here and there.  These successes are crucial though because they provide bits of inspiration to keep you motivated and moving forward, always improving… getting smarter with each failure and more confident with each success!

Before you know it, you’ll be looking back 1, 2 or ten years later only to realize that the entire trajectory of your life has changed enormously for the better as a result of these simple beginning efforts.

Just don’t write me NEXT Valentine’s Day bitching that you have this hot little girlfriend now who’s demanding silly gifts and expensive bling.  I warned you!

What do you mean by perfecting my “male display”?  I hear you talking about this a lot.

Art

Hey Art,

“Male display” is just the totality of how you present yourself to all the women around you during the course of the day… dress, style, attitude, the way that you handle pressure, treat other (less powerful) people, etc.  All the stuff I talk about as being the HSM characteristics that you want to try to adopt for yourself as much as possible.  I call it a ‘display’ because in Nature, most male animals put on a display of some sort (fancy plumage, boisterous croaking, mating dance, etc) for the sole benefit of the females… who sit back and watch these displays — and then choose their prospective mates from among the best that they witness.

The key understanding here is that it’s the females who do the actual choosing in the mating ritual, NOT the males. It seems to be the other way around in human society because the impetus appears always to be on the man to be aggressive and make the first move.  But this is really an illusion.  Your ‘game’ is ONLY workable if you are chosen first by receiving a non-verbal ‘go’ signal from the female.  Then you can you act without fear of rejection blocking your seductive efforts, which is the principal goal of WE.  Reducing the risk and fear of rejection.

You see, LSM’s (Low Status Males) receive few genuine opportunities because they rarely get chosen by women in the first place, due mostly to the poor male display they are broadcasting. They bitch to me in e-mails all the time about how women “never make eye contact” with them or send any flirtatious body language signals their way.  If guys in this low status position DO choose to take action in spite of negative (or no) signal presence, they quickly find themselves in an uphill fight because they are making an “illegal play” from the woman’s point of view.  They get rejected and their fear grows and their confidence shrinks — and then they project still more powerful LSM “anti-vibes”.  This is why working on your male display is crucial for your success with women. Like author R. Don Steele says, you have to look like someone she would consider it fun to have lying on top of her.

One of my recent opportunities with a girl developed into a friendship because of my complete incompetence and lack of confidence.  This girl has been in Europe for almost a year, but she’ll be back in my town soon.  We’ve been friends for a few years, and I’ve talked to her via e-mail while she’s been in Europe.  How can I get beyond just being friends with her and get back the romantic interest she once had for me?

Sam

Hi Sam,

It’s very tough and most of the time impossible to get a woman who’s jammed you into her “friends-only file” to change her romantic opinion of you.  You say that you’ve been friends with this girl for several years now, which means that she’s long since decided that you are NOT boyfriend material for her.

The only chance that you might have is a kind of high-risk reverse psychology ploy where you demonstrate that you are desirable to other women, and that she’s somehow missed out on a great guy who could’ve been hers.  For this you’ll need to be dating at least one other woman, and arrange it so that she finds out about it somehow.  IF she gets a bit jealous, you then have to set it up so that you 1) somehow reveal your true romantic feelings for her and, 2) give her a “second chance” at you.

You MUST deal from a position of strength here (by showing that you already have an active social life), and not from some lonely guy, “needy” position of weakness, or you simply haven’t got a chance.  Only by playing on the perverse desire that some women have to steal each other’s men will you be able to get her to reconsider her own feelings for you.  That’s assuming this kind of basic desire in her is strong enough or even present, which it may not be… in which case none of this will work.

Either way you’ve probably only got a 50-50 shot at best.  This is why I try to pound away on the importance of NOT letting yourself slip into this friends-only quicksand right from the very beginning when you’re first getting to know a woman.  I realize that doesn’t help any for these deals where the situation is already “grandfathered in”, but what can I do?  We can’t turn back the clock.  Let me know how it works out.

Hi Mike,

What would be a good way to show your interest to a shop sales assistant or to someone else whom you have only just met?   How would you apply this to strangers in the street for instance… just stop them and start a chat?    Seems a bit predatory to me.   For instance, I see pretty girls walking around our building at work as I wander about, but they are in completely unconnected departments to me and so I have no cause to come into contact with them.   And it seems as if I have developed a mental block when it comes to chatting up women while out and about.   There seems to be no valid reason to invade their privacy, even just to make small talk.   It’s not like you’re at a bar where people go to deliberately to drink and chat.   What do you think?

Thanks,
Albert

Hi Albert,

Sometimes the issue with this “pull-tabbing” task (as I describe it in my new book) isn’t so much about knowing exactly what to say to women, as it is coming to grips with how you FEEL about saying it.   As long as you continue to feel that approaching women is creepy and predatory in some way, no matter what the circumstance or surroundings, you will always come across poorly because your discomfort will be evident in your attitude and presentation of yourself.

In order to remain relaxed at this game you have to diminish the stakes involved, which means that you must approach any and all opportunities in the spirit of curiosity rather than as a life-or-death mission powered by some ulterior motive.  You need a re-arranged mindset that completely reverses this outlook for you — especially the part about the ulterior motive, which is why the process now must seem vaguely ‘predatory’ to you.

Flirting with women and asking them out on dates is a GIFT that you bestow upon them — it’s not some lecherous verbal grope that you need to slink around being ashamed of.   You must begin to think of the flirting & meeting process as something that both you and the women will enjoy if done properly and with a touch of class.  You are a High Status Male who has perfectly natural desires and is not afraid to seek avenues to satisfy them. Women love being hit on as long as the mans’ approach is classy, upbeat and seemingly spontaneous.  It puts a spring in their step for the rest of the day knowing that a man felt attracted enough by them to set aside any stuffy social rules-of-conduct and actually take a chance to meet them!   This is essence of romance… think of the plots of soap operas and “chick’ movies.   They live for this stuff… even if they won’t admit it!

Hi Mike,

About having a “clever wit”… would you describe humor as an essential, indispensable element in the game of seduction, or just something that could be helpful?   I ask this because I’m usually pretty damn funny around my male friends, but I have the sense that chicks respond to a different kind of humor, one that I am not skilled at.   As a result, when I’m with a girl and we’re having fun, I usually freeze-up and have a hard time finding something funny to say.

Thanks,
Ben

Hi Ben

Humor is a signal of a “normal” person who seems socially at ease and comfortable with himself and the people around him.  That’s the sort of “status marker” effect it communicates to women anyway.   Ever notice how truly psycho personalities never smile or laugh (except when something bad happens to someone else), and are always scowling and miserable?

That’s why you want to always demonstrate a sense of humor — without acting like a complete clown, of course.   What sort of humor do you practice around your male buddies?   Women are drawn to humor based on the clever observation of the absurd in the form of a comment that exposes the ordinary in a unique way that’s funny and draws a giggle.  You don’t have to go crazy with humor, but you do need a touch of it here and there to keep things from getting too tense.  It’s hard to “teach” humor on a written page.  Watch as many old Seinfeld re-runs as you can and study how this guy handles absurdist humor.  This is good training for you.   At the very least the contrast between his type of humor and your own may reveal where you’re going wrong.   Adjust accordingly.

There is this girl at my school, she is very hot and has a spunky fun loving attitude.  The very first time I saw her though I acted very immature, needy, and clingy. I started writing letters to her asking for more of her attention.  Soon, I realized that this was completely suicidal!   Last year I began to become more mature, and she started to ease up on the bitch shield somewhat.   Now I’m able to talk to her just fine and sometimes even make her laugh.  I have three questions…

First, there is this other guy who she is always hanging around with and who I think is a pretty good friend of hers.   Although you wouldn’t know it at first glance (because he looks like your average nerd) he seems to trump me in all the crucial places.   He is way wittier than I am and better with the physical contact and body language.  He’s in every class that I have with her, so she often pays more attention to him than me.  How do I compete against this guy?

Second, is it possible to move this relationship any further, even after the fact that she’s known me for more than 3 years and during that time I did some really stupid shit?

Third, supposing that I could make her mine, there is one big problem in the way.  She already has a boyfriend, a guy who knows how to show her excellent sex and who is by far the most confident, cocky, alpha-male guy that I have ever known.   He embodies the ‘bad boy’ persona, can make anyone laugh, can belittle even the most confident of men, and if angered, can be an extremely dangerous dude to try and fight.   Luckily, he doesn’t go to my school anymore because he graduated, but this girl is still crazy about him.   So, again, supposing there was a way that I could make her mine, how would I go about both dismantling her from him and dealing with him if we ever had a confrontation?

Greg

Hi Greg,

Sheesh, this is pretty much a lost cause and I’ll tell you why… almost everything to do with scoring women hinges on the first impression, and yours was not only bad it was bad and lengthy.  Whenever you find that you’ve dug yourself a deep hole, the first rule is always to STOP DIGGING!   If you fuck up and make a really bad first, un-romantic impression on a woman, and then dig the hole even deeper like you did with all that clingy shit, you’re double dead from that point on.  If she files you away in the loser category then that’s where you tend to stay, and the passage of time does little to help the situation.

It’s all about that initial snap of chemistry, and if she doesn’t feel it you’re not going to be feeling anything either!

You need to compete with other men by doing what I talk about all throughout the book by doing those things that make you more attractive to women.   At your age, male status is mostly about athletic power and the ability to intimidate other men into respecting you.   As you get older, you can improve your status by acquiring money and position / authority in society.   For now, this is a great lesson in how NOT to present yourself to a woman.   These other guys were able to do it in a way that got her thinking about them in sexy-romantic ways.   The way you did it was just the opposite and the effect lingered on.

Guys tend to forgive and forget over the course of time and grant second chances — women remember everything like it just happened yesterday.  Even if you did improve your game and presentation to her 1000% (which should be your goal), you will always be that nerd who acted like an asshole — and she won’t be badgered or tricked into feeling any other way about you.   I know this sucks to hear, but if I don’t tell you who will?   You’re young, there are tons of women still out there for you. Obsessing makes you look weak… because the HSM has an abundance of women in his life, right?   This is the attitude you need to adopt, even if you’re not there yet.   You can bet her “bad boy” boyfriend gives off this vibe!

Pull the lesson out of this deal and move forward — your future success will ultimately be your best revenge.  I fucked the duck with about 3 different girls just like this when I was in HS and was never able to recover from it.  To this day they still probably think I’m a fool!

My victory is that I don’t give a shit anymore.  I moved on and created newer, better memories with new women, and those others have faded away into the haze of history.  Time for you now to dump the past and move forward with a clean slate as well.

Hi Mike,

My name is Andy.  I am 22 and entering my final semester in college.  I want to complement you for the book Without Embarrassment.  Before reading your book, I was way too shy to approach girls and I became too much of a nice guy throughout high school and college.  I thought being a nice guy was the way to go since girls always complained about wanting to find a nice guy!

Your book has helped me make better eye contact, approach girls more, and to stop being an emotional tampon.  My problem has been that my friends and I generally have hung out with the same group of girls throughout my 3 and half years at college.  My 3 roommates are chick magnets but all of them have settled down with hot girlfriends now, except for me of course.  I feel like being too much of nice guy has hurt my reputation.  I am starting to get desperate because I have less than 4 months left of college and my opportunity is ending.  I guess I am looking for any sort of advice.  Thank you very much for any help you can give me.

Andy

Hi Andy

At this point there’s nothing I can tell you that will radically turn your luck around in 4 months, but there’s no need to panic over the approaching end of school or lamenting opportunities missed — they are all water under the bridge now.   The important thing is to look forward to the approach of the “real” working world that you’ll soon be entering and concentrate on re-creating your attitude and your game in ways that I describe in the book.

Many of the “techniques” that guys use in high school/college (mostly bar tricks) don’t work so great once you’re in a more adult world anyway, and so you have to adapt and make use of more sophisticated ideas like the ones I try to teach.   So basically everyone has to start over with a clean slate anyway is what I’m saying.   You probably lack some experience with women, but that’s really the only advantage your buddies have gained over you at this point.   This is not insurmountable — you can catch up fast once you make a few scores.  Plus, once you get away from this environment where you are a “known” quantity and perhaps marked as being out on the social fringes, you can begin to do things correctly and build a better image for yourself.   Review what I said about charisma in my book.

As for being a nice guy… the correct way to do the nice guy deal is with an edge. Nice only means “harmless” to women, not kiss-ass or desperate for affection.  You’re nice only because you don’t dis her as a complete whore — not because you’re willing to drop everything and come running over to unclog her kitchen sink when she calls.   It’s the idea behind the chapter heading in my first book, Comfortable Wimps, Tough Men. If you take pains to insure that you are never being the least bit of a problem to her and always a positive helpful friend, then that’s exactly what you are, a friend.   There is no sexual juice here, because this type of behavior in men is considered submissive.   And supplicant behavior does not provoke a woman’s unconscious mating instincts.   Sorry, but it just doesn’t.

On the other hand, if you can be a tough guy (emotionally) and withstand having to be the cause of a few tears in her life, you’ll send a little spear of electricity straight through all those bad feelings and light a match directly beneath those very same instincts.  This is where the triggers for love and infatuation are to be had — nature intends it to be so.  These “delusional” mind-states get the two of you to physically copulate before your higher minds can get in the way and stop you.   All such a beautiful ballet, born of biologic necessity.   You can’t fight this process or find a “work around” for it — you must learn to surf it instead.

As you pass through various phases of your life you will have to re-adapt all your methods of doing things along the way — and women will become also easier and more forgiving to deal with as you move out of the very tough school years… where their immaturity causes them to focus only on the most “happening” and “hottest” guys… and ignore guys like yourself who have more subtle qualities that are less superficial but more stable and longer lasting. (And… that make for great relationships!)   Your goal is to polish those qualities and display them with more confidence so that you get yourself on the radar screens of these women.  Once they begin to pay more attention to you, things get easier and require less raw courage… and that makes it possible even for men who are introverted to access their share of opportunities.

Mike,

I moved in with a chick (roommate) and ended up sending out all the wrong signals.  Not only does she probably not look at me as a man now, I don’t think she even respects me at all.   Here’s what happened… I wasn’t really that attracted to her at first, but I soon realized that she was hot, smart, talented and cool.  The fact that she doesn’t give a shit about me, except sometimes maybe as a friend figure, is driving me nuts!…   It was part of my motivation to go out and get your book.   That motivation has not yet translated into me hooking up yet, unfortunately.   I have lived with her for four months now, and she hasn’t even seen me go out on a real date or have any girls over, so the loser tag is all over me.

I am working on my weight since that will help my confidence and hopefully at some point I can get a clear signal to start the process you talk about in your book.  I can’t do anything about my short penis size however, and that remains something that just keeps running through my head when I start thinking that things might get sexual… which fucks me up and makes me even more awkward.

So now I have the misfortune of liking the girl I live with and having to listen when she is banging some other guy… who by the way seduced her very much like you say to in your book!

Any thoughts that you could share with me would be appreciated.  I wish I read your books many years ago because my life has sucked in this regard and I knew nothing of your concepts.  I may even buy some copies and send them to a few friends for Xmas.   Guys don’t talk about this shit, but they should.   Anyway, thanks for the help.

Ray

Hi Ray,

Yeah, the code of male silence keeps us all in the dark.   Hate to say it but this pretty much sounds like a dead-end deal with this girl that you’re rooming with — once you lose the respect of a woman as a man, and they file you away in some part of their brain reserved for guys who they’ll never date or mate with, it’s pretty much over.   This game of seduction is made or broken within the first few minutes of contact — it’s all about making an enticing first impression and then keeping a steady pressure of romantic escalation on. You’ve got to know what you want, and then go for it shamelessly.   That’s where you sound like you might’ve gone wrong.   Try to cultivate an HSM vibe like I talk about in the book and broadcast it around cute girls all the time – and then keep watching for any interested return signals.   Those are always your best chances and how you can play this game without destroying your ego.

This “loser pattern” you complain about will just happen over and over again until you learn to project a better, less needy attitude around women that doesn’t turn them off… or whatever it is specifically that you’re doing that accomplishes this feat.

You sound like you also have some of that body dimorphic stuff going on, which is a situation where you hold a distorted unconscious mental view of how you must appear physically to others.   Lots of guys get themselves fixated on irrelevant stuff like penis size.   Look, dick size is always a crapshoot for girls… no woman knows what any guy’s packing until it’s too late and she’s already agreed to get naked with him!   This is really a non-issue, at least as far as nailing any chick for the first time, and it needs to just be ignored.   And being a physically big guy is not necessarily a factor either — it’s how you carry the weight that counts.

If you feel that you’re not in shape and it bothers you then join a club and get busy working out.   Lose the weight and harden up, AND get some testosterone pumping in your veins… it will force your attitude to change just by the improved way that you’ll carry yourself and perk up your more animal instincts around women.   Too much flab increases your estrogen levels and robs you of your sex drive — this is why fat guys are often mocked as big pussies… it’s the way they act more so than how they look.

The only way to change these mental things that ruin us is to know and understand what you’re doing (read the book, you already sound like you know a lot) and then refuse to engage in the same self-destructive choices and patterns that mess you up each time.   Wherever you’re at in your life right now is the result of all the decisions that you made up until this point in time, that’s all.   Make different decisions about how to think about yourself and act around women, and you’ll end up in a different (better?) place.   That’s really the only “trick” there is to life.

Mike,

First let me say I am not writing this time to bitch about any problems that women have given me, but rather my question this time pertains to a potential problem that I could run into, which I seriously want to avoid.

I met this girl online who I’ve gone out with about six times now (three times in the past week) and had sex with on the fourth date last Saturday (with a little help from some HSM techniques, he-he).   I feel that the two of us have really good chemistry, and of all the girls I’ve gone out with I click the best with her.   Problem is appearance-wise… she looks good but has something of a gut that’s rather noticeable.   Is there any known way to address that without gettin’ my head takin off?   This isn’t a huge issue with me or anything, but I still wanted your thoughts on it before I attempted to bring it up with her.

My second question is about the nature of guys.   Why is it cool for us to go on endlessly about how great a girl’s ass is or how big her boobs are, but I never hear anything about how great it is to be with her as a person, or anything else that’s meaningful about having a relationship?   Look, I’m straight as all hell, but I never hear any of my buddies talk about women this way and I just think it’s fricken’ ridiculous.

Your very pleased student,
Dave

Alright Dave,

Good to hear from you again.

1 ) The only way you can possibly pull off a weight loss deal without getting beheaded is to go into an exercise program yourself AND ASK HER TO JOIN YOU.   Get a couple of health club memberships for the two of you.   Maybe you can find a 2 for 1 special or something in your area.   You in effect are saying: “let’s get healthy and in shape together”, instead of making a judgment of her and saying “you need to shape up”, which she would naturally take as insulting. This way you concede that you too could use some work — plus it’s a cool thing the two of you can share, it improves your sex drive, etc.   Sell it like that.

2 ) The reason for the apparent embargo on male sensitivity about this subject ties directly into why I can sell tons of books about it — the “macho” code of men makes it embarrassing and uncomfortable for us to discuss any of our real feelings or emotions with each other.   Notice how even YOU had to qualify the question to me by first stating that you were “straight” so that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea about you for even asking it!   Men don’t talk about anything substantial when they get together.   It’s all surface shit like sports and work or just good natured ragging on each other.

Because none of us shares anything about how we deal with women or provides any personal advice or help or sympathy to his male friends, we all grow up in an information vacuum concerning this subject. We’re just supposed to “know” all about dealing with women somehow — magically — as if it were an instinct or something.   Dare to tell your buddies about your personal problems with some girl and they’ll just rag you out because it’s an embarrassing display of weakness for men to show emotion and self-doubt in front of each other.   The bubble stays sealed tight.

Look at women… they constantly give each other advice — talk about their men, share problems, and slowly teach each other how to deal with them.   That’s why they’re so highly advanced in the romance field compared to us, and regard most of us guys as dumb-ass retards who couldn’t find their ass with both hands in a locked closet (but we DO know where are dicks are .   It’s also why, when you fuck up and make clumsy self-destructive moves, they have no sympathy at all and will make trying to court them a living hell for you. My book fills a big gap in most guy’s knowledge created by this sad situation by giving advice through a neutral source which they aren’t ashamed to access.

Unfortunately, with the exception of perhaps a very close friend (and you usually only get ONE of these per lifetime), your relationship with your more casual male buds will remain like this until you’re all in your graves.