The High Status Male

You’re at the corner Gas-N-Go doing some mindless chore when suddenly you find yourself face-to-face with a little cutie who’s gazing back at you with that glassy, wide-eyed look that all us guys with one track minds love to see.  You smile and make some ridiculous remark about something totally pointless, but she lights up anyway and gives you a rockin’ return smile.  You maybe even get a flash of that doe-eyed, “take me” look.  Pre-occupied with the weighty decision of Cheesy Poofs vs. Raw Onion Crunchies however, you have no time to humor her along any further.

So after this brief but enlightening exchange of pleasantries you turn away and ignore her.  You then spot the girl a few minutes later while up at the counter checking out, but now she won’t even look at you — or she gives you that quick “too bad” look and vanishes into the parking lot.  A few minutes later while driving back home you think to yourself… “Geez, was that chick flirting with me or what?…”

And so it goes… another unlikely SURPRISE chance to hook up with a hot little number shot down the tubes.  All because you either forgot in the moment or don’t actually even know how to respond to a sudden flirt that sneaks up on you.  Hey, been there my friend… this used to happen to me ALL the time! Not all that frequently mind you (ha!… I wish) — but whenever I DID happen to stumble across a surprise flirt like this the result was always the same… down in flames!

That’s because my response to a flirt that sandbagged me was always predictable: complete and total lock-up. A perfectly juicy opportunity lost forever — something to grit my teeth over later on that night when I think about it over and over again, wondering what I could’ve done differently.

I have thought about this problem in depth and I’ve tried to look at it logically and without emotion as much as possible.  Here’s what I think: that a lot of this failure to engage can be chalked up to simple DISBELIEF even more than fear. Disbelief in the sense that by the time the gravity of the situation sinks in past my cynical BS filter and I realize… “hey, this chick is flirting with me!” the magical moment is gone and the opportunity lost.

I talk in my books about how your best chances to meet great women will often seem to happen “out of the blue” when you least expect them.  This is why I believe that an absolutely critical social skill when it comes to being good with women is the ability to switch mental gears and spring into action at the VERY FIRST SIGN that a chick might dig you!  Don’t waste time pondering why this could be happening or anything else, just act!  Go ahead and connect with her FIRST and get her number or e-mail or whatever you can, and THEN sort out all your anxieties later.  You know, all those useless academic questions such as: “would this girl be compatible with me”, or “what’s wrong with her that she’s flirting with me?…”

Alright then, with this basic idea now firmly established let me share a few of my thoughts on this ONE particular maddening aspect of gaming women: the surprise flirt.

1)  Don’t Freeze-Up wondering why YOU could be her guy. The single biggest killer in this situation is hesitation.  Like so much of the sport of gaming women, timing is everything.  However, in this situation minutes don’t matter, SECONDS matter.  When a chick opens a sudden flirt you literally have a window of opportunity available to you that’s measured in mere seconds.  You should almost see a ten second counter open up over her head that immediately begins running down  9….8….7…. to remind you of how little time you have to act in a way that plays perfectly off her opening volley.

The big mental block here is a defeatist self-image of yourself as not being “flirting material” or “worthy” like Wayne and Garth or whatever.  But while you’re wondering why a chick this cute would actually be flirting with a lowlife such as yourself, precious seconds are tick, tick, ticking away -- and with it goes your chance to score a number!

Therefore:

MAJOR FLIRTING RULE #1: If she’s not immediately seeing the reaction that she was hoping to see from you, (that you are socially skilled enough to respond to a flirt) the woman will almost always take this as an immediate rejection!  Once that happens she will pull back (I’ve actually seen them physically snap back) and the flirt is OVER.  Women have no tolerance for rejection, and will rarely ever try to bull their way through it like a guy would.  Therefore, you must be very careful to seem IMMEDIATELY open and accepting of her offer to flirt around with you, and take up the verbal volley with good humor!

MAJOR FLIRTING RULE #2: You never know what any other person in the world considers to be their “type”, so don’t let the question of what “she” might see in lil’ ol’ “you” even cross your mind for an instant.  Who cares?  You’ve seen tons of hot chicks hooked up with gross, grubby dudes, haven’t you?  Just accept her judgement and GO WITH IT!  No over-thinking of what’s going on — no suspicion of motives, no paranoia, no disbelief. None of that junk must be allowed to intrude into your mind at this critical moment when you’re “on the clock”.  That crap will only result in a freeze-up, and once that happens it’s game-over.

2)  A Sudden Flirt is always your chance to shine. It doesn’t matter if your silly little joke is lame or if your words are stuttering or smooth (or even exactly WHAT you say to her) — the important thing is that you are attempting to react to her gift of a flirt in a positive way that reflects those good feelings right back at her.  You are playing the game!  Your willingness to pick up a flirt speaks volumes about yourself… and it’s all good stuff! It says that you are active socially (and therefore something of a catch), that you have good self-esteem, you’re pleasant around people AS A REFLEX, and so on.

This is the best way to communicate these sorts of qualities to women… with your ACTIONS rather than your bragging BS words!

Think of it this way: you’ve been given the opportunity to put yourself over with a deliberate charm rather than being forced to apply a load of “pick up artist” blather — and you should always SEIZE this type of chance with enthusiasm because they doesn’t come by too often.  A woman initiating a flirt is taking a big personal risk to give you a fat GO signal in the only way that she knows how — admittedly a bit awkward and the entire “surprise” thing is somewhat unfair — but unfairness ABOUNDS throughout the universe of man-woman affairs of the heart.  Why should this aspect of it be any different?

3)  Let Her “Win” the Flirt.  Remember, SHE started this and so it’s HER play. That means if you pick up her flirt and give it right back in a fun and friendly way, then SHE WINS! By that I mean you’ve confirmed her charm as a woman… she “won” your male attention!  Get it?  This sort of thing is thrilling to a woman and puts her in an instant happy / satisfied mood from which you can naturally be expected to seek to want to get together with her again soon.  It plays into all her most dreamy “chick flick” fantasies!

Anyway, once you’ve spread around the good vibes you should then…

4)  Follow Up Immediately. Get her name and number and pop it straight into your cellphone, or use a low-tech pen and scrap of paper… whatever you have to do to make it possible to hook up with her again before she forgets about you or has second thoughts.  Even better, offer to meet her somewhere within the next 1-3 days at some “happening” place… a nightclub, corner bar, a nearby special event, the local bowling alley, whatever.  Whatever fits YOUR particular style and is centered around a place that you would normally frequent and know something about.  Figure out what this actual place should be IN ADVANCE and have it stored in your noggin always ready to whip out and use at key moments like these!

Don’t overthink this: simply INVITE (don’t “ask” and especially don’t beg!) her to meet you at XYZ Club this Friday night… you know they have great steamed clams or killer Buffalo wings, etc.  Make it a safe, public venue that you would usually hang out at… somewhere she would certainly know about if she lives in the area.  Invite her to meet you there for a drink or a coffee or to watch you play softball.  “You seem very charming (cool, fun-loving)” is all you need to say.

Simple words spoken WHERE THEY ARE WELCOME will rock her world!

Inviting her out to a public party spot also has the added benefit of making you seem like a social, happening guy — rather than nervously asking for her “magic 7 digits” like some porn-bookmarking nerd.  Tantalizing a woman to JOIN YOUR WORLD as opposed to doing you a favor by even agreeing to see you again makes a rockin’ statement about your High Male Status! Such impressions may be unspoken and subliminal, but this is what makes them so psychologically powerful as well.

So in review, DON’T EVER WONDER “WHY ME?” — LET HER WIN THE FLIRT — HAVE A STANDARD PLAN FOR FURTHER CONTACT. Write these simple but effective rules for responding to a flirt down on a card and stick them onto your bathroom mirror so you can stare at them every morning hovering right next to your heinous, unflirtable mug.  This will drive these concepts deep into your brain so that the next time you get hit with a surprise flirt from some little hottie pumping gas into her Mercedes right next to you, you’ll be able to react cooly and professionally within seconds.

Almost as swift as the glint of lust sparkling in her eyes!

Hello everyone, sorry I haven’t posted in a while… but I’ve been busy, busy cooking up a brand new online FREE Audio Training series that I’m sure you guys will find most useful.  Stay tuned for word on that in the coming weeks…

For now, just this quick announcement concerning the RE-release of my classic “Tome of the PUA Arts”: Without Embarrassment — which I am very pleased to be presenting to you today as a newly upgraded version… IN PRINT!

The books themselves look absolutely beautiful as expected: 6×9 glossy softcover, 300 pages and very professionally produced via Amazon.com’s CreateSpace print-on-demand system.  I’m very proud to be unveiling Without Embarrassment to the world once again in this classy format. E-books may be the future but hey, it’s nice to be able to kick back on the recliner now and then and get away from the computer with a good book!

Both Without Embarrassment and She’s Yours For The Taking are reasonably priced at $24.95 — and I set up a discount code for you to use in celebration of this mini- launch.  Simply go to my Createspace storefront…

…and type in the Discount Code: B9XALS5F at checkout to receive a 10% savings off the cover price!

(For you guys who have a One-Click already setup at Amazon and would rather buy directly through them, you can pull up the book listing right here)

(The discount code does NOT work through Amazon unfortunately.  But you’ve got both options to choose from.)

If you’d like to look over 10 or 15 pages selected at random from the e-book (which is EXACTLY the same content now as the printed book) you can read through some pages posted on the site.  Here’s the link for that (give this page a few seconds to load — these are screen-captured images off the Adobe Reader):

You may also wish to take a peek at the stack of TESTIMONIALS that have coming flying in here over the years for Without Embarrassment…

Finally, take a moment to pop back over to the main page and you’ll see that I’ve chopped the price of the 2 book Combo Pack (the e-book versions) all the way down to $27 bucks from $67 — which is a super-duper crazy Eddie type deal.  I’m now offering my 2 audio programs ‘Dealing With Your Fear of Rejection’ and ‘Kick Ass Confidence’ as separate upsell items for only an extra $10 bucks — which now gives you the option to add them to the books to create the complete “HSM Total Training Package!

Thanks again for all your great support and your inspiring words over the past decade — as always I deeply appreciate all of it!

P.S.  If you decide to order from Amazon.com please DO take a moment to come back after you’ve read the book and leave an honest review for me.  I need reviews!

I’ve talked to dozens of women about the qualities they find most attractive in men, and a sense of humor is usually the first quality they mention.  But are women being phony when they say this?  Are they giving this answer because they don’t want to appear shallow — when what they really want is a tall, muscular hunk with a ton of cash?

If the ability to make a woman laugh was such a huge turn-on, then wouldn’t stand-up comedians get laid more than rock stars?  We all know guys with a “class clown” personality who are constantly saying hilarious things, and they’re usually the LAST guys to hook up.  Women find them amusing, but don’t feel any sexual attraction to them.  So wtf?

Here’s the truth.  When women say they love a sense of humor, what they really mean is they love the deeper ATTITUDE that a sense of humor points to.  Guys who are funny, playful and nonchalant around women — and even better, can bust on women and tease them a little — are obviously confident and in control of their reality.

These guys don’t look to women for approval.  They don’t radiate anxiety.  They never seem like they NEED to get a woman’s phone number or hook up with her.

This goes back to two main PUA principles:

1. Women love men who present a challenge.
2. Women are fascinated by men who are “in demand” and obviously have other romantic/sexual options.

Women, by nature, are jealous and competitive when it comes to men. Give her the sense that she’ll have to step up and WIN you away from other women, and the game is on!  A playful, somewhat cocky guy radiates this attitude.  Having this attitude means you’ve got to stop second-guessing yourself. You’ve got to squash that little voice in your head that tells you why you SHOULDN’T approach that girl, or try to get to the next level with her.

The average guy takes himself WAY too seriously when it comes to women — he’s constantly asking himself unnecessary questions:

“Does this shirt look good on me?”
“Is she going to get annoyed if I walk up and talk to her?”
“What if she has a boyfriend?”
“Where should I take her on a date?”
“What if we run out of things to talk about?”
“If I ask for her phone number, will she think I’m some  stalker?”
“Is it too soon to try to touch her?”

When you allow your brain to fire off these questions, it DESTROYS your ability to be fun, spontaneous and playful. You’re allowing yourself to be preoccupied by unimportant details, when you SHOULD be asking yourself questions that boost your confidence and remind you to stay sharp and on top of your game.  Your internal questions should sound more like this:

“This girl is cute, but is she interesting enough for me to date?’
“Is she smart and funny enough to hold a conversation with me?”
“What can I teach this girl, that she’d never learn from the average guy?”
“What should I mention about myself, to really make this girl curious about me?”
“How far am I going to take this tonight, and what’s my plan?”

This resets your frame of mind to give you the sense of power and being in control, rather than being the poor beggar worrying about how others perceive you, and this shines through (either negatively or positively) in your attitude.

Now, in terms of the verbal questions that you ask women, you’ve also got to learn how to “spin” them to make them most effective.  For instance, when you’re first moving on a girl, and you make a request that she can simply say “no” to, chances are that she will indeed say NO!…

Him: Can I buy you a drink?
Her:  No.
Him: Can I have your number?
Her:  No.
Him: Can I kiss you?
Her:  No.
Him: Want to go back to my place?
Her:  Hell no!
Him: Can I see you again?
Her:  I’m busy… for the next six months.

One technique is to re-phrase your questions so that you give women “false choices.” This means you are not giving her the chance to say “no” but forcing her to react and respond.  You are assuming that she’s going to go with your flow, and implying that fact with the thrust of your approach.  Lead the interaction, and if she’s at all interested in you, or at least curious, she’ll go along with it and never shut you down with a “no.”

WACK: Can I buy you a drink?
MACK: So tell me something interesting about yourself that’s going to make me want to have a drink with you.
WACK: We should exchange numbers. (as you take out your phone) What’s a good time to call you tomorrow?
MACK: Let’s go to my place and I’ll show you that _______ I told you about. (Fill in the blank with something you mentioned earlier, that you want to show her.) I’ve got some good wine…but I’ve got to be up early tomorrow, so just one glass.
WACK: Would you like to dance?
MACK: I’m going to need to take you onto the dance floor. I don’t want to see you standing here looking like a wallflower any more.
WACK: Would you like to hang out sometime?
MACK: My friends told me about this new lounge that has great music on Friday and Saturday nights. Which night is better for you?

Remember: boring, ordinary guys are constantly asking permission from women. This results in a lot of “No’s,” and a lot of disappointment, frustration, and eventually… masturbation.  So learn how to flip the script and start “spinning” your questions in order to make them more powerful, interesting and effective.

Rather than using clever verbal “patterns” designed to hypnotize chicks into robotic submission, I’ve found that the most effective way to deliver an opening comment is to use any sort of playfully casual approach that makes it sound as if a spontaneous thought just popped into my head.  A simple ‘hi’ can do the trick if handled properly.

Of course, real life isn’t always as easy as reading about something in a book.  In a situation where you can’t seem to catch an eye at all for instance, then you’re likely dealing with a deliberate “resistor” and there probably isn’t a play to be had.  Unless of course… you want to do something reasonably aggressive by attempting to force yourself into a chick’s field of view: like changing seats to get closer to her in class or at a cafe, making some kind of noise or distraction to attract her attention your way, etc.  The idea is to do something to get on her visual radar and then watch for any possible sign of interest by seeing if you can pull some kind of fleeting eye contact… and then running with it immediately!

When you DO catch an eye, always expect that she’ll look away from you FAST.  But don’t let this deter you because this is completely normal and to be expected.  The quick “look-away” is a common shyness-reflex that most people have — both men and women.  So never let this stop you, it means nothing! You simply need to ignore this social twitch and seize upon the fleeting possibility of contact very quickly.  Immediately say “hi” to her with no lag-time whatsoever… because you can be sure this instant-of-opportunity will be gone quickly!

Keep your approach friendly and innocent in the sense of not making it seem like you’re going at her with some big deal ‘hit’.  This is too much for most women to process and they will tend to turtle-up on you (but not always — again, they’re as different as snowflakes!).  You’re just looking to get the typical stranger-to-stranger friendly reaction.  Strangers will only lock eyes and stare at each other passionately in romance movies, in real life this rarely ever happens.  So you will never get anywhere waiting around for super eye-lock!

The good news is that you don’t have to wait around for anything – just learn how to seize upon these typical sort of everyday little signals you get here and there, and gently play them up whenever feasible.

Remember that your interest in a woman and any subsequent flirting that you may attempt to create with her is a GIFT that you are presenting to an attractive stranger.  Never look upon your efforts to reach out as some kind of unwanted intrusion into her precious privacy or that you’re bothering her. This can only occur if she has clearly displayed her non-interest and you continue to escalate to the point of annoyance (generally because you’re pissed off or feeling humiliated).  Having said that however, even pressure tactics can work sometimes if you are bold enough to try them.  Remember that this game can be played at ANY level that you choose to, safe or risky.

Here’s a few general guidelines to keep in mind when it comes to opening social comments.  They should be:

Unrehearsed. Something that just popped into your head at that moment is always best because it’s spontaneous.  Appearing a little nervous is okay too.  Preferred actually — since it makes it seem as if you’re attempting to do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily have the stones to try.  This makes her feel special, and makes you look brave. This is good!

Casual. Make it seem like you just bumped into an old friend that you haven’t seen in quite some time without being too deliberately corny about it.  This will keep you calm and your calmness will affect her in a similar way.  Remember that you must model the behaviors that you wish to see reflected back to you.

Sincere. Assuming a challenging posture (the infamous “neg hit”) with a perfect stranger can be risky.  By zapping her with a put-down style, semi-rude remark supposedly done as a “joke” right out of the box you’re just daring a chick to blow you off.  At this point she has absolutely no investment in your feelings, so there’s no motive for her to be nice to you.  This is the setup for those legendary rejections that will haunt you to the grave.

So unless she’s just dripping with a pissy attitude that needs correcting, I would avoid this as an opening tactic (although it might work better later on in the relationship as a way to keep an edge on things…)  Proceed with caution otherwise.

Upbeat. If you mumble out your words out like some nursing home gum-jockey, what’s she supposed to do… offer to change your friggin diaper?  No salesman would dare deliver a muttering, uncertain sales pitch because he’s basically telling you that his product sucks.  Always remember who the product is here… you! So keep your delivery light and bright.

Non-offensive sexually. This is a big one.  Insecure guys like to make sexually bold opening remarks to paint themselves as sexually experienced because they’re afraid their near-virgin status will otherwise show through.  It speaks just the opposite about you though: dudes who are really getting laid never feel like they have to broadcast it to women.  They just carry it around with them as a silent vibe in the gleam of their eyes.  If you insist on being so foolish you may as well just stay home and watch Deep Space 9 re-runs until you disappear into a wormhole.

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If you keep these general rules in mind you should at the very least be able to capture a woman’s interest for a minute or two — and who knows where that can lead?  Ask anyone how their first meeting with their eventual wife or husband went down and they’ll likely tell you that it was nothing special.  So there’s no need to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform some dynamic and amazing trick in order to make a memorable first impression.  Most people just wing their way along socially and somehow get by.  Don’t overthink everything.

Another important thing is to stay on the field of combat and resist withdrawing into yourself.  Seize any and all possible social opportunities that come your way by learning to say “yes” to an invitation for just about anything – any chance to go out with your buddies, to pull a study date with some fat chick that you might have no interest in (because duh, she might have a hot roommate…).  Just say YES to everything and do it even if you think the event will suck… because fate and random chance often work in bizarre ways.

It’s all about mixing and networking, and you can’t accomplish that alone in your room!

Myself, I’ve always felt that the best place to meet women is anywhere and everywhere that they might least expect it. That’s where all my best chances seem to have occurred over the years.  Bars and nightclubs (and to a lesser extent, gyms) are all a tough sell for a guy like me who is not the typical intimidating male specimen of athletic prowess.  Bitch shields are also up in places like nightclubs — where men routinely take their boldest shots at women.  It’s easier to make a cool first impression when you can catch her a little bit off guard at Starbucks rather than immersed in the loud action at Au Bar.  You also aren’t usually standing next to some Adonis looking like his comical sidekick.  Even having these guys anywhere near you can be enough to screw up your confidence!

Bottom line: just learn to become more aware of what’s going on around you in terms of potential chances to make simple, casual contact with women.  If you’re just starting out and still scared shitless by all this, remember that you don’t have to actually DO anything about these opportunities YET — just jot down what you observed… (time, date, place, girl, situation) on a yellow pad when you get home later and keep track of these events.  Then review your “flirting logs” a week or two later and I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at just how many possible opportunities to work a casual flirt that you might be absent-mindedly waltzing right on by every day.  In a week there could be as many as 8-15 good chances depending on how many people zip past you every day, and how big a city you live in.

This exercise is excellent for building your awareness of the possibilities that routinely exist around you, getting you to see those things that you may’ve been blind to.  Look, even harmlessly flirting with 8 girls a week puts you up around 100 flirts in 3 months! So what were you planning to do in the next 3 months that was destined to change your social life anyway?  This simple exercise will not only sharpen your social antennae, but will begin to desensitize you to all the various fear factors involved.

Meeting women doesn’t have to be a colossal task as long as you take things casually, and learn to regard your gift of flirting as a normal everyday part of life — rather than a life-or-death moon mission!

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This post was partially excerpted from my book She’s Yours For The Taking, which incidentally (hint, hint…) is now available in print for the very first time ever!  See the photo and sales blurb over on the right side of the this page, or go to my Amazon E-store and give it a look.  Much appreciated!

(For a limited time until the end of April you can enter the following code at checkout:

9Z3QZEAJ

…and receive a 20% Discount off the regular cover price!)

— Guest Article by Dean Cortez –

If you’ve been following my posts for awhile, you probably know that I often stress the idea of originality as being one of the most important qualities that you want to project around women… from the way that you dress to how you approach and engage her in conversation.  Certain personality traits will almost automatically trigger attraction… and if you know what those qualities are then you can routinely create results for yourself that will almost seem like magic.

If on the other hand you FAIL to make a unique impression on a girl then she’s probably going to lump you in with the last 37 chumps who tried to hit on her.  Within three minutes of your paying for her drink she’ll be excusing herself to “go find her friends.”  The key to building a bond with a women is to engage her attention and get her to share information about herself.

And one of my favorite conversational tactics for accomplishing this little trick is called Cold Reading.

Cold reading is actually a somewhat sneaky technique that’s used by psychics and palm readers to make their “subjects” feel as if you understand what’s making them tick on an intimate level without them actually having to tell you anything about themselves.

The secret to Cold Reading is that all the profound “observations” you make are deliberately generic and therefore likely to apply to virtually anyone… although you present them in a way that makes them seem personal. Human beings are self-centered and we have a tendency accept claims about ourselves that we desire to be true.  And of course people are vain – we all want to be seen as unique.  So even though Cold Reads are often just vague generalizations, we still want to agree with the person who is so skillfully “reading” us — and we’ll tend to believe they have unusual powers of perception.  Women are especially suckers for anything that seems psychic or mysterious as they tend to be less cynical about these things than most men are.

So forget about using generic “job interview” type of questions to advance a conversation with a chick you’re trying to move on: (”what’s your name?” “where are you from?” etc.)  Why not try something more original in order to capture her attention?  If I’m in a club talking to some babe who’s playing hard-to-get for instance, I’ll sometimes try using an angle that goes like this:

“Y’know, Andrea, I get the sense that most people get the wrong idea about you.  They may think you’re stand-offish or a bit cold, but I’ll bet you’re actually a lot more sensitive and funny than most people realize.”

Another example: “I get the sense it takes you a while to actually trust people… because you’ve been hurt before by someone who was really close to you.  But the people that do earn your trust, you’re always there for them.”

Or… “I can tell that you’re a person who usually plays it safe and doesn’t like to take chances, and sometimes you’ve regretted it.  But at other times you’re spontaneous and adventurous and you DO like to take chances…and that’s when you’ve had some of the best times of your life!…”

If she agrees with my “amazing read” of her (and honestly, I’ve never had a woman totally disagree with any of these generic guesses) I’ll follow up by telling her that I can relate to it, because I’m the SAME way! This begins to build up just a little bit of a bond between us.  Then, in order to solidify this growing bond, I’ll tell her a quick story that illustrates just exactly how I’m the same type of person. (If you’ve got five Cold Reads ready to use, then you should also have five short stories ready in order to illustrate how you embody those same qualities.  You’ve got to do this prep work and memorize stuff in advance to make it slide off you smoothly.)

Here’s another typical Cold Read: “I can tell that something important has been weighing on your mind.  You’re on the verge of making an important decision in your life, aren’t you?”  (Pretty much all of us, at any given time, are contemplating some kind of big decision in our lives, so this has a good chance of being accurate.  See how this works?).  Regardless, she’ll be surprised and impressed that you knew so much about her!  You mysterious, handsome psychic stranger!

She’ll usually break down at this point and begin volunteering more information about herself — and now you’re engaged in a deep, authentic conversation with a girl instead of trying to fill awkward silences.

Much of what a cold reader does is simply repeating back what the subject has said.  If for instance she affirms that she’s on the verge of making this big decision, you should nod wisely and say, “Yes, that’s right, and you’re really having a hard time with it.”  Just act as if you already knew what she was going to say!

Some other Cold Reads that are totally vague yet utterly “profound”:

“I can tell you have a strong need for others to admire you, but you also have a tendency to be too critical of yourself.”

“You’ve got a hidden talent, a passion, that most people don’t know about… and you want to pursue it.  But something is holding you back…”

“At times you’re really social and outgoing.  But other times you’re reserved and introverted…”

Once you begin adding Cold Reads into your conversations with women you’ll soon get a feel for which ones work the best.  Just focus in on those and make up more engaging stories to re-enforce them.  To learn more about these Cold Reading techniques and dozens of my other sneaky conversational tactics, have a look at my new DVD, “Conversation, Persuasion and Mastery with Women”

Some of  the highlights include:

* Using “Power Phrases” to control a woman’s emotional state and flip ON her attraction switch at will.  Use this to turn boring conversations into a compelling, fun and flirtatious ones…

* How to quietly and subtly lead a woman down the “path to yes” instead of giving her reasons to say “no” to you…

* Great ways to neutralize the romantic effect of other nearby men without having to actually confront them…

So if you’ve been having problems conversing or actually persuading women to do your bidding, then give my DVD a look.  Thanks for your interest!

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(Editors Note: Dean Cortez is the author is several fascinating PUA programs including his classic, no-punches-pulled “Secrets of Strip Club Seduction“.  I have another guest article by Dean about picking up strippers along with his 10 minute instructional YouTube video posted right here)

Hi Mike,

I go to gym regularly, and the other day I made nice eye contact with a girl who seemed to be showing a willingness to talk to me.  So I took a chance and offered to take her to the best place in the city for chicken wings.  She asked me where that was.  I was stuck and couldn’t give her the exact name of any great restaurants, so I think I may’ve messed up there?  Then I asked for her phone number and she wouldn’t give it to me.  At that point, I asked her whether or not she had a boyfriend.  She said yes, and so I said goodbye and left.

Today when I went to the gym the supervisor told me that this girl was very much distressed when I pressed her for her phone number.  He said I could not press his staff for their personal information, and that he must cancel my membership unless I apologize to her.

I told him that if I  distressed her, I was willing to apologize and did so.  I think that maybe the question about the boyfriend may have offended her?   Please provide your opinion.  I have since listened your audio on how to ask for a date with the hanging question — I think I will be more confident  asking for dates in the right way from now on!

Thank you!
Ray

Hi Ray,

It’s tough for me to assess what exactly you may’ve done wrong with this girl just from reading your description of events.  I can’t get a sense of how you may’ve presented yourself or if she was sending out the wrong or confusing signals to you.  Or maybe you were just ignoring them and pushing forward anyway?  If she was just being an over-sensitive bitch, etc.   I don’t know.

There is some elevated risk involved in just going for a phone number ‘cold’ like you did.   Sometimes a girl will lock up in the face of a very sudden, bold approach and just snap-reject you. That’s because, in your haste to just keep talking (in order to keep your own fears and insecurities at bay) you made her feel like she’s being boxed into a corner and not being given a chance to get a sense of who you are FIRST, and then to consider your offer calmly.   Or at least what passes for calm reflection at a time like this.   Rationally, I guess you might say.

Instead you’re asking her to just quick hand over her phone number right this moment based on your straightforward offer which, you must realize, is just coming straight out of the blue from her perspective.  It’s okay to take these sort of chances, just understand the risks to the ego are a bit greater than if you take a more roundabout approach.

See when women feel pressured like this they get scared and their fear shuts down the rational side of their mind and calls up her natural protective instincts.   And this instinct instantly compels her to close down and say ‘no’ to anything that you happen to be asking (or demanding of) her to do — to turn you away, to get some physical separation from you, to move you back to a place or situation where’s she’s ’safe’ again.   And all this is done with little or no regard to your feelings. Because women typically have no honor or sense of fair play when it comes to matters of the heart, she’ll tell you anything to get safe… that she has a boyfriend, a husband, that she’s a lesbian or even has herpes… all just to make you cease and desist and go away!

Again, you can mistakenly read this kind of reaction as a horrible personal judgement against yourself (like I used to!), but it’s really just a protective reflex for a lot of people.  Not everyone — some girls are bold and can be up for taking a chance on a sudden opportunity if you catch them in the right mood.  They will make impulsive decisions — but here’s the trouble: it’s hard to tell WHO those ‘player’ women could be beforehand without your actually having to approach them directly and find out.  There can often be no indication either way, so you just have to go for it.   Just like you did!  This is the sort of ’style’ of gaming women that will either get you a nasty rejection or a major home-run sexual / romantic experience! I don’t know what the odds are here, but it’s a total crapshoot for sure.

The less nerve-wracking move is to joke around and talk with a female prospect a little bit and try to get a read on her.  It may even take a few encounters such as if you see her at work or school.  You get a sense of her digging your style (or not), humor, general ‘vibe’ — and then you act based upon that read… that educated guess.  This is more art than science as you can imagine.  There are no certainties when it comes to women.  This is and always will be a slippery game from a man’s point of view.

The more important thing is that the feeling out process gives her a chance to develop a sense about you and see if you can get her romantic antenna to go up.   If you do, she will begin to signal her interest back in the form of body language cues — most importantly, lingering eye contact. From this posture your asking her out will then seem like a logical (women would call it ‘natural’) extension of the growing connection that the two of you seem to be developing.

She will be far more likely to accept your offer now, especially if you use my techniques which will allow her to “see it coming” and psychologically prepare herself for the ‘hit’.  She will have had the time to wrestle with her fears and decide in advance of you asking anything what her answer will be.   This is the position that you are always looking to maneuver yourself into with women. The best thing is to always have several of them in play and see which one bears fruit first.  Make it your own personal game.

Seduction actually begins long before your absolute interest is formally announced by your verbally asking a woman for a date, or even stealing a kiss.

REMEMBER THIS: all of this highly important work that you are doing to “soften her up” like this by just chatting and joking around and connecting with a woman is NOT wasted blab in the service your fear — something which you must then feel guilty about or become self-castigating about… it IS the actual preliminary groundwork of seducing any woman! It IS the seduction itself… now underway and in progress.  No need to punish yourself and make all this stuff deliberately more harder than it already is by nature, by forcing yourself to act boldly in the face of your normal fear.

These are the ’stealthy’ actions that you should always be leading off with to set up and establish your social life.  Have fun!

Hi Mike,

What would be a good way to show your interest to a shop sales assistant or to someone else whom you have only just met?   How would you apply this to strangers in the street for instance… just stop them and start a chat?    Seems a bit predatory to me.   For instance, I see pretty girls walking around our building at work as I wander about, but they are in completely unconnected departments to me and so I have no cause to come into contact with them.   And it seems as if I have developed a mental block when it comes to chatting up women while out and about.   There seems to be no valid reason to invade their privacy, even just to make small talk.   It’s not like you’re at a bar where people go to deliberately to drink and chat.   What do you think?

Thanks,
Albert

Hi Albert,

Sometimes the issue with this “pull-tabbing” task (as I describe it in my new book) isn’t so much about knowing exactly what to say to women, as it is coming to grips with how you FEEL about saying it.   As long as you continue to feel that approaching women is creepy and predatory in some way, no matter what the circumstance or surroundings, you will always come across poorly because your discomfort will be evident in your attitude and presentation of yourself.

In order to remain relaxed at this game you have to diminish the stakes involved, which means that you must approach any and all opportunities in the spirit of curiosity rather than as a life-or-death mission powered by some ulterior motive.  You need a re-arranged mindset that completely reverses this outlook for you — especially the part about the ulterior motive, which is why the process now must seem vaguely ‘predatory’ to you.

Flirting with women and asking them out on dates is a GIFT that you bestow upon them — it’s not some lecherous verbal grope that you need to slink around being ashamed of.   You must begin to think of the flirting & meeting process as something that both you and the women will enjoy if done properly and with a touch of class.  You are a High Status Male who has perfectly natural desires and is not afraid to seek avenues to satisfy them. Women love being hit on as long as the mans’ approach is classy, upbeat and seemingly spontaneous.  It puts a spring in their step for the rest of the day knowing that a man felt attracted enough by them to set aside any stuffy social rules-of-conduct and actually take a chance to meet them!   This is essence of romance… think of the plots of soap operas and “chick’ movies.   They live for this stuff… even if they won’t admit it!

Hello Mike,

I’ve been working basically on talking to girls and saying “Hi”, just to get rid of my fear of approaching them.  I was in the club last night and there was this girl that I really liked but before I could gain the courage to approach another guy had moved on her.   I’d like to know what is the best way to go about approaching girls in clubs.  Thanks.

Ted

Hi Ted,

Thanks for writing.  Clubs can be tough, they are not the normal world where regular sort of social techniques are effective.  Everybody has their eyes on the top 10% of hot bodies (both men and women) and everyone else looks diminished and low quality in their shadow.   This makes it damn hard to get a “hearing” from women, so it’s a tough environment that requires a thick skin for rejection.  That’s because girls who would otherwise pick up a flirt and play around for awhile with any guy like yourself will reject you pretty quickly instead, especially if it’s obvious to them that you don’t have a lot of “club mojo” or aren’t a regular player in that environment.

Here’s 3 things to know about working in clubs:

1) You have to open with a big playful flirt, something like “Hey baby, you were smokin’ out there on the dance floor! Very nice, I love that _____ look (mention something unique about her look), it’s great.” This delivery should be big and grand and done with a laughing, joking demeanor.  A meek little “Hi my name is Joe…” approach here will be ignored.   You’re invisible giving off this little energy.

2) Watch her eyes! If you get good eye contact and she picks up your flirt you have a shot.  If she won’t meet your eye, then bail-out and save yourself.   She’s a queen who’s not interested in you, for whatever reason.   Pushing further will only draw a firmer rejection.   So you have to sort through them fast in this environment because a lot of them are just out shitting around with girlfriends and ego-tripping on all the guys hitting on them or staring and drooling.  Many have boyfriends.   Women will usually make this sort of grading determination about a man (hot-or-not) in about 3 minutes — in the real world.   In “club reality” you probably have a minute or less.

3) Everything is time-compressed in a club, there’s no getting phone numbers or having long, pleasant conversations here.   It’s all about ACTION and moving and dancing. You have to seem like a player and not a wallflower or you become background noise that gets ignored.   Move around, talk up lots of women, dance.   When women are in motion their juices are flowing and the men appear sexier and more appealing to them. That’s why guys often end up doing it right out in the parking lots with these chicks — time compression means cutting right to the chase lots of times.   This is not a venue to meet people for later dating, it’s about TONIGHT!  What happens tonight.   Lots of touching, flirting, sexual innuendo are in order.   The women are there to get buzzed up and excited and possibly have some kind of adventure tonight — not to meet nice guys.

If you can learn to shift gears and take on a “club-face”… dance, circulate around, become a recognized face, and especially get gossiped about by the women, then you can do well in this environment.   It can be tough for introverts, but if you want to play in this arena then you have to train yourself for this style of game, just like an athletic event.

Hi Mike,

I am 30 years old and attending my first speed dating event in mid-March.  Any advice, tips, etc. on what to say to spark an attraction and make a great first impression with a woman, given the limited time available.  Thanks a bunch,

Dave

Dave,

I never went to one of these events, but if I did I think I’d take a chance on NOT taking the whole thing too seriously.  I would try to play it like a bit of a character, and just flirt and tease around with each girl during my entire time allotment.   I figure this has got to better than just sitting there trading name-rank-and serial number with each one… just like every other guy will likely be doing.  Boring! Serve up clever little teasing answers to her standard “what do you do” kind of questions and all that sort of BS — be playfully evasive, and make sure to do a ton of “flirting with your eyes”.

This will make you stand out from the mass of boring nervous guys trying to make it sound like they still don’t live at home with their mom when she asks.   I’ll bet that more than a few of the chicks will mark you down for further “investigation”.   I guess this is how the rules work anyway.   And why not?… at least you showed that you had a brain in your head and that you weren’t too nervous and desperate to goof around a bit.

It’s also a great way for you to screen out all the stiffs who can’t take a joke AND the mental lightweights who don’t get what you’re doing.  They set these things up so that the guy is giving an audition.   Screw that, turn it around on them!

Hi Mike

There is this restaurant that I frequent twice a week for coffee.  There is a waitress that really caught my eye.  Now I remembered what your book said about playing it cool.  Don’t try to rush into anything.  So I took your advice further and noticed an article that she was wearing.  It was a nice bracelet.  I commented on it, and she seemed quite flattered and explained that she had just gotten back from Cuba and bought it there.

The guy who was with me is my boss.  He has known me for several years and commented on how far I’ve come since he’s known me.  He said I would never have started a conversation with a girl like that in the past!

Another time when we were in there, she came over to clear some tables and asked me what time I was finished with work.  No girl has ever done that before!  I told her 3:30.  Then I asked her what time she got off and she said around 2:00.  Now tell me something Mike, would that have been a good time to have taken it further and try for a date?  I didn’t know what else to say.  I just kind of sat there feeling stupid.

Of course your book states to give her a little mystery.  So I didn’t feel too bad about it.  Another time we were in there, I was paying her and we got into another conversation, she seemed very interested in talking to me.  I still didn’t do anything though, I just let the conversation flow.  Well, I didn’t see her for several weeks but then again, isn’t that a good thing?  Give her some breathing room?

However, after those several weeks passed, I saw her again in the restaurant and something had changed.  I didn’t seem to have an opportunity to talk with her, and when I did talk to her she didn’t seem to want to keep the conversation going.  Like she was avoiding me.  I’m thinking, maybe I should have asked her out that first time I seemed to have had a chance?

Sam

Hi Sam,

Dammit you were going along great with this girl but then you failed to follow through… YOU FAILED TO ESCALATE! Remember what I talked about in the book?  A seduction moves through stages… flirting, showing interest, trading some basic info to see how compatible you both are (common interests, etc.).  THEN you have to ask her out for a lunch or coffee date and begin to establish your romantic interest in her.  At each step along the way, one phase runs it’s course and then you have to escalate to the next one… or the girl loses interest in you (because she thinks you’re really not interested in her — she thinks you’re just fucking around with her head and gets pissed or is saddened, whatever) and she goes cold.  Been there, done that.

Other times however, you need to short circuit this entire process and skip ahead a few steps depending upon the signals that the girl sends your way. Remember it’s the women that do the real choosing in the mating game — as a man you must learn to react swiftly when they do, or the seduction will run out of energy fast.  You have to stay light on your feet and alert for your opportunities to move.  If you over think all is lost.

This chance is gone now. NEXT TIME, don’t give into your fear and just casually ask her out.  That should’ve been the next logical step in your ongoing exchanges with her.  The signals were all GO but your fear blocked you.  You might still be ashamed to make this transition and reveal your need for the affection of a woman, choosing to hide behind your aloofness instead.  There is a shame/fear issue here.  Read the book again about that and get John Bradshaw’s book that I recommend, it will help you immensely.

Let me ask you one thing about your book.  As far as flirting and taking things to the next level go… I think being a challenge can also be effective.  I mean, sometimes if you DON’T take things to the next level, this raises a girl’s interest in you, right?  I don’t think it’s necessarily true that you have to always push things as far as they will go (as long as you’re confident about it.)  I am talking about the part in chapter 5, page 104.  Since people tend to want what they can’t have, if a girl is interested in you at all, she might respond to your hanging back if done appropriately.  What do you think?

Ed

Hi Ed,

Hey buddy you’re right about being a challenge — it’s always better to play it coy than to be a “groveler” who’s always tripping over himself to impress a woman (this is LSM behavior to the max and a bad signal).  The best way to obtain this attitude is to be casually dating several women at any time (or at least IMAGINE what that must be like), then try as best you can to fake the attitude that comes with having such a nice setup.  Women can sense if you have other “irons in the fire” so to speak, and will be more interested in you because those other women she senses count as affirmative “Votes” for your status as a man.  Women REALLY want men who are desired by other women, because people are attracted by success and repelled by failure. This is why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer in ALL aspects of the world (especially money!)

Hello Mike,

I was at a restaurant for lunch yesterday and there was a fairly attractive woman standing in line in back of me.  I moved myself to an open position (hands in back of me) and looked at her and smiled.  We were both ordering our food at the same time and her order was done first.  So, she took her glass and walked passed me but she kind of brushed up against me as she walked by.  I took notice of this because there was room for her to walk by me without brushing up against me.  Was this a strong flirting signal or simply a woman that was not watching where she was going?

To give you a little more info on the situation, I was dressed in a beautiful suit and I looked good.  As they say, I smelled of money.

Jim

Hi Jim,

It’s tough to tell for sure — what you have to do is look for a cluster of signals… at least two or three.  If you would’ve said something to her and she made and held eye contact or smiled, then you could have read this as a sign of interest and asked if she would like to join you, or whatever.

That being said, women can be very crude when it comes to making a move on a guy and getting a guy’s attention because, well, they just don’t have to do it very often (because by social convention this is the man’s job) and they have no practiced skills in this area.  So this could very well have been a clumsy, high-schoolish maneuver to get your attention!

Don’t ever underestimate the power of being well dressed.  When guys look at women, we use our “x-ray vision” to remove their clothes and imagine them naked.  Women are exactly the opposite… they remove our crummy jeans and sneakers in their imagination, and then re-dress us in great looking suits and uniforms!  Make sure you understand the power that you have whenever you’re well dressed like this in the future.  Women are weak for a sharp dressed man.  Keep your antenna out next time and try to get a second signal from her if you can.

And even if you can’t, there’s much to recomend in the way of just going for it and taking a chance sometimes on a single, stray, rogue signal!  What the hell, you only go around once and all that sort of motivational ya-ya.  I will never suggest that you absolutely must withhold from acting upon any impulse that you may experience at any point in trying to meet women.  Most people just stumble through this process and learn how to eat their failures.  That’s likely the only important skill they have that you still don’t possess.  The short memory.  But you can get there by just learning to play things a little loose — and don’t get yourself trapped over-thinking too much of this stuff either.

Mike…

I’m a personal trainer at a gym, and every once in a while a cute young girl comes my why that I get to train.  And right now I’m fortunate enough to be working with one — a “9″ in gym clothes, and a great personality (rare find).  I’ve worked with her once so far and things went well, made good eye contact, make her laugh a few times, and the great thing about being her trainer is that I’m in control and appear to be a knowledgeable professional, which is great for the HSM thing.

So my dilemma is this: I’d love to go out with her, and in most situations, like a party or even school, I’d definitely would ask her out.  But being that we have a Professional-to-Client type of relationship, I want to know how to do it in an appropriate way, because a lot is on the line here.  Last time I was in a situation a like this I kind of tried to be a professional, part friend, part lets go on a date, and as you could imagine it didn’t go well, because I tried to be a little of everything so I became a lot of nothing.

Wil

Hi Wil,

I’m not a big fan of asking a girl out after you’ve been sort of lurking around the whole question for awhile.  What I mean is that you have to strike soon after you meet in order to spark up some chemistry with her.  This whole notion of using some kind of trick to turn a girl who thinks of you as a friend or acquaintance into a lover is bullshit.  This one might be different though, because being reserved with her is the correct way to act when you’re thrown together professionally at first.  People don’t always feel free to act that way they might like under these rules. So…

Unless this girl is sending you flirting signals like crazy, I don’t know if there’s much of a chance here.  She’ll either turn you down or the date will be an uninspired dud like the one you described.

Having said that, she might also respond favorably to your HSM persona because of the trainer/student relationship.  You’re the one getting the vibe so only you can tell for sure, and you’ll have to use your best judgment.  You sound like a pretty confident guy to start with, so your approach should be powerful (but understated, I hope).  Be careful about doing anything that might seem like sexual harassment, which is a danger in any kind of interaction that’s supposed to keep professional barriers between you.  Just make sure you’re not mistaking her shyness for aloofness and disinterest, she might make trouble… especially if she’s a feminist with a bug up her ass about guys coming on to her.  (Don’t get me started on this kind of chick — they are a scourge on humanity!)

Just ask her out for coffee, maybe even later that day if you can swing it.  You have to break that professional wall to get her thinking about you differently.  Try not to make it seem like you do this kind of thing every day though, because one of the suspicions women have about a guy with a job like yours is that you went into it mostly to become a male slut — know what I mean?  Keep it casual, even seem a little nervous… that will disarm her.  This sounds like a 50/50 shot you have here.

I don’t know if this was very helpful, but let me know what happens either way.  Good luck and thanks for writing.

I consider myself a good looking guy but I am somewhat shy when it comes to women.  I’m recently divorced ( H.S Sweetheart) and back in the game.  My question is about a situation that I’m in.  There is a girl that works in a, lets say clinic, that I go to every morning.  I’m guessing that most likely she is not allowed to date clients of this clinic.  I am a client.  I’ve been going for almost a year now and we always had extended eye contact.

Recently I have learned she had asked someone if I was married or not.  When I heard this I was very pleased.  I always was interested in her but never acted on it.  Since I found out that she was actually thinking about my marital status, I have been making small talk with her.  You know… How are you??  How was your holiday?? etc.  I get the feeling she likes the fact that I am initiating conversation.

My question to you is… because I’m not sure if it’s safe for her to go out with a client, I don’t know if I can approach her while other employees are around.  But I definitely feel like she is interested in me.  What should be my next step???  Should I ask her if she was inquiring about my marital status?  If I do that and she admits to it then half the battle is won.  Right??  Or should I not bring that up.  Basically, I need an excuse to start a deeper conversation then “how are you”.

What would you have me do?  Love the book so far!!!

Raymond

Hi Ray,

Thanks for your letter, I’m glad you’re enjoying the book.  A 155 score means your pretty well off around women as a guy who’s been married awhile would tend to be, you’re just being re-introduced to the discomfort of facing the threat of rejection that stops a lot of us cold.

This situation is tricky. The good eye contact and rapport are signals that she would be receptive to going out with you, and that should give you the courage to ask her out since your odds of being rejected are low… but, this deal with the client-rules thing is an x-factor that’s hard to gauge.  First, DO NOT mention anything about your having found out that she was curious about you, if you’re married, etc.  This will make you seem like a snoop and a sneak.  Not good.  You want her to be impressed by your courageousness in directly asking her out, so don’t tip her off that you’ve got this little “pre-gossip” edge to bolster you.

You only get one shot at this sort of thing and you can’t wait too long, or the passion will fade. (You’ll read about the need to escalate at the proper moment later in the book.)  After she flirts and sends signals, you only have so much time to respond or she’ll think your either afraid or uninterested, and she’ll shut you out of her mind.

Then you WILL get rejected if you finally do take action!

You best bet is to try to corner her somehow so that you can ask her out without anyone else around hearing you, employees or otherwise.  I don’t know the layout of the situation you meet her in, so I can’t tell you for sure how to do this.  You’ve got to be a little bit like James Bond and think on the fly and figure out how to make things work out for you!  My intuition is that IF you can rig it so that she’s not in danger of having anyone who shouldn’t know about her dating clients see what’s happening, she’ll say yes to a dinner date or an offer to meet for coffee or drinks.  Remember… the secretiveness can also be a turn on for her!

Just don’t ask her flat out with her boss standing right over her shoulder listening so that she’s forced to reject you! This will for an embarrassing rejection that’s sure to shoot holes in your confidence and make you retreat further back from an active social life.

Dear Mike,

You are the man!… such a class act — you actually read and respond to the emails sent to you by us seducer-hopefuls, even though you already have our money for the wonderful e-book.   One thing that I have come to notice about myself, now that I am discovering a new me that is no longer burdened by toxic shame, is that I am more sincere with myself and others.   When I compliment others, it is genuine, whereas before it was mostly contrived and fashioned to elicit a favorable impression of me.   I was so self-centered!

I am hoping you can help me with something of an issue I am having.   I work in a science lab, and there are a couple of labs on the same floor as mine.   There is this young woman, a college student, who works in one of the adjoining labs.   She is cute, and seems to have a fun personality.   We know each other’s names, but have had limited contact due to the nature of our work.   I’ve been friendly with her, but am careful not to be ‘nice’ and act like a suckass.   I’m not entirely sure, but I am getting vibes from her that she might be interested in me, and is waiting for me to do something.   She’ll call me by name, and look at me and smile, and sometimes will do this getting my attention when I am busy working on something and she happens to pass by.

I would definitely be up for flirting with this girl, but there is the problem that we are in a very special work environment.   It would be perceived as highly unusual if I were to saunter over to where she was and start flirting with her in a romantic way.   Friendly ‘buddy’ chatter might be fine, but flirting with sexual overtones would be problematic.   The lab heads are always around, and even if they were not, my professional relationships with colleagues would most definitely be hurt.   I do not want to jeopardize my ability to obtain good references from this job.

With all of these in the way, would it be better to just let it be as it is, or can you suggest some way I can get her with me someplace else away from work?   In situations such as these, when my job is rather important, is it unwise to try to get a flirt going with someone at the workplace?  Thanks so much for listening!

Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks for writing and for your kind comments about the book, glad to see that it’s helping to straighten out your thinking about this subject… AND yourself.

Your situation at work can be tricky and you certainly don’t want to do anything to mess up your career path by making a dumb, heavy-handed move.   Many companies have very strict policies when it comes to sexual harassment, and the guy is always at the disadvantage in the sense that the woman’s claims are always taken seriously, and it’s the guy who has to prove his innocence.   Unlike the American justice system where the accused is presumed innocent, these things can be more like the Salem witch trials where you get accused of witchcraft and brought before a tribunal to prove to them that you are NOT a witch!

The thing to understand about harassment is that it’s always in the eye of the beholder insofar as the woman is concerned.   The key thing to watch for is if she seems to be sending you signals (non-verbal) that she likes you, IN ADVANCE of your actions. If she does, then your advance is seen as a harmless, playful flirt which she enjoys.  If, however, she doesn’t dig you or actually dislikes you, then the EXACT SAME MOVE can be perceived as unwanted harassment!

So your instincts about her are crucial – the risk of getting into trouble with your employer hinges on how well you’ve made this read of her apparent feelings about you.  Eye contact and how she seems to regard you with her eyes is a very keen non-verbal indicator of desire or disinterest.

The lowest risk play is to limit the amount of actual flirting at work until you can arrange some way to meet her outside of work.   Would it seem natural to join her for lunch some time?   Just seek some common ground at that little lunch meet, get her laughing, and when you’ve got her in a high state of positive emotions… that’s the best time to escalate and ask for a more formal dinner date or even a coffee get together outside the work cafeteria.   If she refuses, then just drop it and move on and do not act vindictive and petty or continue to bother her about it.   This sort of petulant behavior can only get you into more trouble.   Plus, if you act with class and dignity in the face of a rejection there’s always a chance she might put in the good word about you to another friend or female co-worker.

Remember, the best way to advertise yourself (as a man) is always to let other women carry the water for you with their positive and hopefully friendly gossip.