The High Status Male

Nothing creates a more attention-grabbing romantic signal that most women will immediately take notice of than the magnificent display of Confidence in men.  Whether it’s actually while in the act of “hitting” on her itself, or merely doing something powerfully in her presence, confidence always makes a stunning impact on women!

A dynamic display of self-confidence can have a near magical ability to influence others and get them to RESPECT you as well — and it’s especially important for women to see men as being confident because it plays into their subconscious grading system via which they sort out the (attractive) high status males from their (less desirable) low status counterparts.

Here’s an important fact that you may not be aware of: men gain most of their natural confidence not so much by interacting with women, but by competing against one another. So your seeming LACK of it will be read by a lot of these women as a measure of your submission to these other men… professionally, financially, physically, etc.  You have apparently been made into one of their bitches and now it shows through in your shyness and lack of self-confidence!

This may not be entirely fair, but you need to understand little IS fair in the game of romance and seduction — and so it’s something that you need to factor in when it comes to getting yourself seen as being out there “on the playing field”… an important appearance that you should always try to maintain.

So in light of all this, here are 7 important confidence tips that can really help you pump-up a weak and paltry male display:

1)  Realize that most people are probably just as big a bundle of doubts and insecurities as you are, probably even more so. And especially women… and DOUBLE especially if she’s a 9 or 10! This is the ‘hidden insecurity’ phenomenon that the pick up artist’s technique known as “neg hitting” attempts to exploit, (although I myself am not a practitioner of this particular fine art, charming little sweetheart that I am)…

Regardless, understand that we are ALL fighting with these same challenges and demons… merely to different degrees.  So keep soldiering on — you are not alone in your struggles!

2) People are NOT mind readers… which means that they cannot peer into your soul and know your deepest fears at a mere glance.  So if you appear to be confident around them, then who are they NOT to believe you?  “Hey, this guy seems pretty confident in himself for some reason, so I guess I’ll go along with it…” This gives us the advantage of being able to “fake it until we make it” and pad our male display with some early bluffing until our personal change becomes more genuine and deeply integrated into our core personality.

Look, you’re probably already practicing exactly the opposite process right now when you consistently keep talking the wrong sort of internal self-talk to yourself.  You are essentially hypnotizing yourself into acting in ways that support a poor and unattractive self-image.  So if you want a better self-image, then learn to fill your head with better thoughts about yourself and your value as a person than you do now. Inner game is essentially 99% of the “secret” to coming off like the confident alpha male around women!

3) Try to always remain aware of your body language and the kinds of “plus or minus” subliminal signals about yourself that you could be broadcasting to women — they have an extremely sensitive radar for this sort of thing, and especially when it comes to men.  I’m talking about things like shoulders back, head up, solid eye contact, being at ease about casually being the first to touch someone non-offensively (an assumed HSM “privilege”).

Hey, don’t be afraid to employ a few “cheap trick” confidence tips like this next one to get some early points on the board for yourself:  For instance, if you’re still too shy to meet someone’s eye directly, then stare at their nose. Seriously, it’s an old salesman’s trick… people cannot tell the different between someone staring at the bridge of their nose and someone who’s looking them straight in the eye.  Try it today and see for yourself.  (And also take note the more positive reaction that you are pulling from people as well… The power of confidence!)

4) If you see yourself as being confident in your own mind, then you will give off a confident “vibe” about yourself without even being aware of it. This has to do with the inability of the human mind to distinguish between common everyday reality and a richly-imagined fantasy.  Your imagination is the gateway to achieving feelings of deep self-worth, so learn how to use it to “fool” your subconscious mind into seeing yourself in a stronger frame. What you are looking to do is create an emotion more overwhelming than your fear.  This will allow you to begin seeing the people around you differently, while having them view YOU differently as well.

It’s from this shift in subliminal vibes that new social opportunities will soon begin to appear all around you — and your shiny new cloak of unstoppable confidence will be the power that drives it forward!

5) Never worry about having to “back up” your confidence — almost no one ever has to do this.  People see you acting confidently and that’s just the way it is, they simply accept it.  Rarely will anyone challenge you to “prove” it (prove what?).  It’s only those guys who really insist on pressing what a tough guy they are that eventually end up in fights.  This isn’t confidence, it’s bravado.  Like having a fat ‘tell’ in poker.

Look, there’s no shame in trying to change whatever poor thinking it is that’s currently holding you back from participating fully in the game of love and romance, so don’t worry about any of this high-minded BS.  These are just mental red herrings designed to keep you distracted from making serious personal change in your life.  No one can know what you are doing in the privacy of your own mind, and it’s none of their business anyway – so feel free to imagine your way straight into a better life!

6) Get good at something that makes you look cool and/or powerful and competent and show it off somehow (guitar hero anyone?… just kidding .  Seriously.  Why not strive to become skilled at some type of activity, trade, sport or even a cool hobby like rock climbing to help yourself attract women?  Start with some modest demonstration of your prowess and just keep playing it up.  Soon you’ll begin to gather a following of closer friends and maybe even a few fans as well.  (Just don’t “pied-piper” them all into the jungle one day and have them sample your specially formulated kool-aid…!)

7)  Surrender the Self-Hatred and let your spirit fly! Give up once and for all on the misguided belief that your station in life is somehow genetically or culturally imposed upon you, and that you are permanently stuck right where you are.  That’s Middle Age-going-nowhere sort of thinking.  What it really is, is self-hatred keeping you locked in its “hopeless and helpless victim” trap.  It performs this little feat by making any other alternative life-path seem impossible for you to achieve, which is utter nonsense of course.

Take a chance to prove this to yourself today by challenging your fear in some significant way.  Get mad at your fear, take it on! Don’t let these powerful ideas that I’m giving you just go in one ear and out the other… use them!

I think that confidence, to finally describe it, is nothing more than an overriding assumption that things will always go your way in the end… no matter what. But this won’t happen for you until you get out there and demonstrate to yourself that new and vastly different possibilities really can exist… for YOU. Once you achieve this absolutely critical cognitive breakthrough (called, duh… “belief and motivation”…) you’ll finally be able to take those first few baby steps towards massive personal change…

And at that point, believe it or not, the hardest part of the entire journey will already be behind you.

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And speaking of having more confidence…

I just put my brand new Kick Ass Confidence 7 Part Audio Training Series up online as a totally FREE giveaway program.  That’s right, you can now listen to the entire 90 minute program for free.  Just sign-up on the following page:

http://www.ka-confidence.com

And you’ll get the links for each of the 7 lessons e-mailed to you at 3 day intervals.  This gives you time to listen to each one and perform the little homework assignments before the next part arrives.  It’s a more disciplined way to learn, prevents overwhelm and REALLY WORKS!  Give it a try, and I thank you for your support.  And be sure to spread the word to any of your interested friends who could use a little extra shot of self-confidence. 

~MP

Rather than using clever verbal “patterns” designed to hypnotize chicks into robotic submission, I’ve found that the most effective way to deliver an opening comment is to use any sort of playfully casual approach that makes it sound as if a spontaneous thought just popped into my head.  A simple ‘hi’ can do the trick if handled properly.

Of course, real life isn’t always as easy as reading about something in a book.  In a situation where you can’t seem to catch an eye at all for instance, then you’re likely dealing with a deliberate “resistor” and there probably isn’t a play to be had.  Unless of course… you want to do something reasonably aggressive by attempting to force yourself into a chick’s field of view: like changing seats to get closer to her in class or at a cafe, making some kind of noise or distraction to attract her attention your way, etc.  The idea is to do something to get on her visual radar and then watch for any possible sign of interest by seeing if you can pull some kind of fleeting eye contact… and then running with it immediately!

When you DO catch an eye, always expect that she’ll look away from you FAST.  But don’t let this deter you because this is completely normal and to be expected.  The quick “look-away” is a common shyness-reflex that most people have — both men and women.  So never let this stop you, it means nothing! You simply need to ignore this social twitch and seize upon the fleeting possibility of contact very quickly.  Immediately say “hi” to her with no lag-time whatsoever… because you can be sure this instant-of-opportunity will be gone quickly!

Keep your approach friendly and innocent in the sense of not making it seem like you’re going at her with some big deal ‘hit’.  This is too much for most women to process and they will tend to turtle-up on you (but not always — again, they’re as different as snowflakes!).  You’re just looking to get the typical stranger-to-stranger friendly reaction.  Strangers will only lock eyes and stare at each other passionately in romance movies, in real life this rarely ever happens.  So you will never get anywhere waiting around for super eye-lock!

The good news is that you don’t have to wait around for anything – just learn how to seize upon these typical sort of everyday little signals you get here and there, and gently play them up whenever feasible.

Remember that your interest in a woman and any subsequent flirting that you may attempt to create with her is a GIFT that you are presenting to an attractive stranger.  Never look upon your efforts to reach out as some kind of unwanted intrusion into her precious privacy or that you’re bothering her. This can only occur if she has clearly displayed her non-interest and you continue to escalate to the point of annoyance (generally because you’re pissed off or feeling humiliated).  Having said that however, even pressure tactics can work sometimes if you are bold enough to try them.  Remember that this game can be played at ANY level that you choose to, safe or risky.

Here’s a few general guidelines to keep in mind when it comes to opening social comments.  They should be:

Unrehearsed. Something that just popped into your head at that moment is always best because it’s spontaneous.  Appearing a little nervous is okay too.  Preferred actually — since it makes it seem as if you’re attempting to do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily have the stones to try.  This makes her feel special, and makes you look brave. This is good!

Casual. Make it seem like you just bumped into an old friend that you haven’t seen in quite some time without being too deliberately corny about it.  This will keep you calm and your calmness will affect her in a similar way.  Remember that you must model the behaviors that you wish to see reflected back to you.

Sincere. Assuming a challenging posture (the infamous “neg hit”) with a perfect stranger can be risky.  By zapping her with a put-down style, semi-rude remark supposedly done as a “joke” right out of the box you’re just daring a chick to blow you off.  At this point she has absolutely no investment in your feelings, so there’s no motive for her to be nice to you.  This is the setup for those legendary rejections that will haunt you to the grave.

So unless she’s just dripping with a pissy attitude that needs correcting, I would avoid this as an opening tactic (although it might work better later on in the relationship as a way to keep an edge on things…)  Proceed with caution otherwise.

Upbeat. If you mumble out your words out like some nursing home gum-jockey, what’s she supposed to do… offer to change your friggin diaper?  No salesman would dare deliver a muttering, uncertain sales pitch because he’s basically telling you that his product sucks.  Always remember who the product is here… you! So keep your delivery light and bright.

Non-offensive sexually. This is a big one.  Insecure guys like to make sexually bold opening remarks to paint themselves as sexually experienced because they’re afraid their near-virgin status will otherwise show through.  It speaks just the opposite about you though: dudes who are really getting laid never feel like they have to broadcast it to women.  They just carry it around with them as a silent vibe in the gleam of their eyes.  If you insist on being so foolish you may as well just stay home and watch Deep Space 9 re-runs until you disappear into a wormhole.

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If you keep these general rules in mind you should at the very least be able to capture a woman’s interest for a minute or two — and who knows where that can lead?  Ask anyone how their first meeting with their eventual wife or husband went down and they’ll likely tell you that it was nothing special.  So there’s no need to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform some dynamic and amazing trick in order to make a memorable first impression.  Most people just wing their way along socially and somehow get by.  Don’t overthink everything.

Another important thing is to stay on the field of combat and resist withdrawing into yourself.  Seize any and all possible social opportunities that come your way by learning to say “yes” to an invitation for just about anything – any chance to go out with your buddies, to pull a study date with some fat chick that you might have no interest in (because duh, she might have a hot roommate…).  Just say YES to everything and do it even if you think the event will suck… because fate and random chance often work in bizarre ways.

It’s all about mixing and networking, and you can’t accomplish that alone in your room!

Myself, I’ve always felt that the best place to meet women is anywhere and everywhere that they might least expect it. That’s where all my best chances seem to have occurred over the years.  Bars and nightclubs (and to a lesser extent, gyms) are all a tough sell for a guy like me who is not the typical intimidating male specimen of athletic prowess.  Bitch shields are also up in places like nightclubs — where men routinely take their boldest shots at women.  It’s easier to make a cool first impression when you can catch her a little bit off guard at Starbucks rather than immersed in the loud action at Au Bar.  You also aren’t usually standing next to some Adonis looking like his comical sidekick.  Even having these guys anywhere near you can be enough to screw up your confidence!

Bottom line: just learn to become more aware of what’s going on around you in terms of potential chances to make simple, casual contact with women.  If you’re just starting out and still scared shitless by all this, remember that you don’t have to actually DO anything about these opportunities YET — just jot down what you observed… (time, date, place, girl, situation) on a yellow pad when you get home later and keep track of these events.  Then review your “flirting logs” a week or two later and I’ll bet you’ll be surprised at just how many possible opportunities to work a casual flirt that you might be absent-mindedly waltzing right on by every day.  In a week there could be as many as 8-15 good chances depending on how many people zip past you every day, and how big a city you live in.

This exercise is excellent for building your awareness of the possibilities that routinely exist around you, getting you to see those things that you may’ve been blind to.  Look, even harmlessly flirting with 8 girls a week puts you up around 100 flirts in 3 months! So what were you planning to do in the next 3 months that was destined to change your social life anyway?  This simple exercise will not only sharpen your social antennae, but will begin to desensitize you to all the various fear factors involved.

Meeting women doesn’t have to be a colossal task as long as you take things casually, and learn to regard your gift of flirting as a normal everyday part of life — rather than a life-or-death moon mission!

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This post was partially excerpted from my book She’s Yours For The Taking, which incidentally (hint, hint…) is now available in print for the very first time ever!  See the photo and sales blurb over on the right side of the this page, or go to my Amazon E-store and give it a look.  Much appreciated!

(For a limited time until the end of April you can enter the following code at checkout:

9Z3QZEAJ

…and receive a 20% Discount off the regular cover price!)

Valentine’s Day sucks. If you don’t have any romantic partner to ply with silly gifts, it sucks… and if you DO have a girlfriend it still sucks having to buy her a lot of silly, expensive gifts (or else!).

If you’re experiencing the first kind of suckiness, no girlfriend, then let’s resolve to begin making some basic and simple changes to your presentation as a man that will help you solve this problem once and for all.  Here at the High Status Male Blog we like to kick around ideas that we hope can make us more attractive to women.  Women are of course the great and universal Mystery…  Their frivolous behaviors have vexed men throughout the Ages — driving them to commit acts of war, suicide and even murder.

And that was when they weren’t otherwise making us insanely horny, or just plain insane!

A recurring idea in both my books is that men shouldn’t have to obsess too much about their looks as much as their behavior around women, since THIS is what the girls grade us on in the same way that guys scope out their physical charms to decide who’s hot or not.  Yeah, we all know that we’re supposed to act confident around women to project the vibe that we’ve made it far enough up the pecking order that women should take note.  But what does this actually MEAN in terms of the types of behaviors and attitudes that we need to adopt for ourselves?

Here are 7 important signaling behaviors that you should learn how to manage.  See if any of them need to be adjusted in your own personal male display:

1.  Stop Pre-editing Away Your Every Possible Opening Words to a Woman. Or maybe I should say stop totally pre-REJECTING them because, man, that’s what I used to do to myself big time!  In normal everyday conversations I was fine and friendly and even funny — but get me near some hot chick and it was clam-up time.  I remember standing around helplessly in a club right next to a great looking girl wondering what I should “open” with (and this was before I understood what that even meant!…)

I would stand there locked in mental concrete, my mind racing through various different sentences thinking: “that’s sucks… are you kidding me?!   …if I say THAT it will make me sound like a complete loser!…” And then of course there was my personal favorite excuse: “…and so THEN what will you say to her?”

This last one was a real iron curtain for me — I was essentially putting enormous pressure on myself to have some sort of well thought-out conversational script all memorized to a tee and ready to go in my head.  In fact I never actually sat down and wrote out such a script for myself (a mistake), so in addition to having the perfect opening thing to say I was also required to create this script ON THE FLY!

You know how we like to talk about the idea of self-hatred?  Well gentlemen, I present to you Exhibit A!

Notice how best to punish the “hated one”?… by setting the bar for an acceptable performance so high that it becomes impossible to achieve?  This did the trick by seeding a big lump of fear in my mind that would cause me to lock up and never even make an attempt to speak up.

Remember, the High Status Male is King, Boss and Conqueror… he NEVER believes that his words are unimportant or boring (even if they are), and so he speaks freely!  And YOU will listen.  To be self-conscious about your words is a loud LSM (low status male) signal that the women will pick up on right away, so talk.

See how these deadly self-defeating cycles can come to control you?

2.  Start Making Eye Contact With Women. And I mean the GOOD kind where you look away about 20% of the time so as not to slip into a ‘psycho leer’.  I talk about this extensively throughout my books and audios so I won’t get into the whole thing here, but suffice to say that a shifty-eyed presentation of yourself is always a bad deal.  People are made uncomfortable in the presence of someone who won’t look them in the eye.  They begin to wonder why you seem to be acting ashamed or guilty.  What are you hiding?  To varying degrees women will especially get creeped out by this A+ connection killer.

Poor eye contact creates a vibe that’s just the opposite of charismatic – which is the ability to make people feel good about themselves.  Shifty eye contact is anti-charismatic because it forces people to identify with your discomfort instead, and they don’t like that!  They don’t want to hang around with people who give them ‘bad vibes’ — for whatever reason — and would just as soon avoid you altogether.

So if you’ve ever scratched your head wondering why you’re not getting many callbacks or why she won’t answer your post-first-date-callback, this could be a big reason why.  In your nervousness you revert to a turtled-up body language that included an evening-long inability to make eye contact with her, and she was totally put off by this loud signal of male subservience (or disinterest).

As a mechanical quick-fix, you can always practice the tried-and-true “salesman’s trick” whereby you stare at the bridge of someone’s nose if you can’t stand to meet their eye.  Most people cannot tell the difference.  Ultimately though you should seek to raise your confidence around people, and your eye contact will then become more natural and genuine.

It’s okay to use tricks such as these to kick-start your recovery, but you should always be working towards the day when you will no longer have to rely on such trickery to get you through a conversation.

3.  Initiate a Handshake. We all know that a high status male is attractive to women, but what you may not realize is that your status is determined by your day-to-day interactions with other MEN.

Men constantly push, prod, connive, outwork or seek to outsmart their fellow man in the workplace, culture, battlefield, household or any of a thousand other venues in which they interact.  There is always a competition going on to see who’s just a bit more powerful than who.  This game never ends, and much of it goes on subconsciously and almost invisibly.  In many situations basic relationships are already clearly pre-established: Joe is the boss and Ron the employee, Jim the dad and mark the son, or Bill is the Sergeant and Ed the Private.  Whatever… but it’s clear cut.

However, many daily encounters between men who pretty much seem as if they could be on a same level are not as clearly defined, and so a signal is required to establish who is who.  Who is the alpha and who agrees to be the subjugated?

This phenomenon can be played to your advantage if you are aware enough to make a point of establishing yourself as a man to be respected in any casual encounter.  One of the simple ways that you can do this is to be the guy to offer to shake hands first (whenever appropriate of course, such as in a business situation or at a party).  Why is this important?  Because the higher status male conveys a sense of safety to a lower status male by touching him first — but doing it the other way around can be viewed as a challenge.

Think again about the clearly pre-established relationship: the boss can reach out and put his arm around the employee to convey a message of “good job” or “you’re in my favor”.  But reverse this and see what happens: an employee touching the boss unprompted would be seen as disrespectful and perhaps even a challenge to his authority.  It says, “what are you going to do about it?”

So by expressing a desire to shake hands first it can seem as is you are seeking to touch the other guy from a position of strength.  This can be very subtle and probably makes little more than a subliminal impact, but those are usually the best kind!

When you get into the habit of being ‘touch aggressive’ on a regular basis you will begin to establish a bit more respect for yourself.  There will be some push-back from time to time as men continue to jockey against each other for just that shade more status than the other guy (I’m stronger, more intelligent, more courageous, wealthier, etc.).  But at least now you’re playing the game instead of being quickly dispatched off the board by guys who size-up your reluctance to “go first” as an automatic win for themselves.

4.  Speak up. In the same vein as the previous point about handshakes your verbal thrust (or lack thereof) makes a statement about you as well.  The loudest mouth in a group of men is often the alpha.  In one-on-one conversations, alpha usually carries the conversation in some way — from being the more informed or interesting party, to actually giving direct commands in some cases, while the “beta” shuts up and listens!

Another thing the beta male often does to cement his lower status is attempt to sanitize or otherwise try to frame what he’s saying so as not to provoke alpha.  For instance, in that employee-boss situation, the employee may try to break some bad news to the boss softly or in a hedged fashion so as to minimize his displeasure (and possible wrath!).

Whereas the boss simply states his mind with no regard as to how his words may make his subordinate “feel”.  (i.e., “You’re fired Johnson!”)

In neutral encounters where there is no pre-established pecking order, the one who ISN’T afraid to speak up first is usually given a higher status grade by most women who would casually observe such an encounter.

So even if it means stating the obvious, just do it.  Because the actual content of what you’re saying conveys less critical information than the silent signal delivered by just who is talking to whom.  Get it?

Again, subliminal.  But that’s why they call it making an impression.  And these impressions will stack-up in your favor with repeated expression.

5.  Drop Dead and Smile. Now we’re back to your interactions with women.  Nervousness and fidgety jumpiness conveys a signal of having little personal confidence.  Also when we’re nervous we rarely smile but instead wear a mask of concern that can look angry.  This generally doesn’t make a great first impression on women, unless you know how to pull off the strong, brooding, silent type of vibe (although if you could I doubt you would be reading this now!)

A better way to go is to smile and make great eye contact and generally just MODEL the sort of reaction that you want reflected back at you.  Again, imagine the man of considerable status and power: master of his universe, he is calm and collected as he moves through life.  No nervous fidgeting that might reveal an underlying insecurity about… what?  His social skills, his bank account, his fading virility?  Ha!… not a chance!

And yet that’s what YOUR nervousness can convey about you if you’re not careful.

Still nervous anyway?  It’s okay so long as it doesn’t show itself too much visibly.  Again, you can use this little mechanical trick to help yourself out: just hold a thumb pinched between your two fingers on the same hand and squeeze as tightly as you have to.  This gives your nervous system a focal point in the body to quietly discharge itself — allowing the rest of your muscles to relax and stop quivering.  To “drop dead”.

This allows you to project a vibe of calmness that makes that awesome subliminal High Status impression on women which can go very far towards getting you some return interest from them!

6.  Become Comfortable With Silence. This is just the opposite of Point #1… i.e., overthinking everything that you want to say, rejecting it all and then saying nothing at all!

Some guys can’t tolerate any lull in a conversation with a girl and will seek to keep up a constant stream of nervous chatter because, well, they’re nervous.  But just consider for a moment a romantic scene from a typical movie: isn’t it during those moments of silence when the words run out that all the truly important communication begins… spoken with long, penetrating looks and perhaps the first stages of physical contact?

These pivotal moments of emotional / romantic connection will never occur however if you continue to prattle over every potential close moment like Woody Allen on speed!  This blab serves no purpose other than to keep your own anxieties at bay, so stop it!

Remember, one of the principle skills of the seducer is to seize upon moments of conversational lull and use them to move beyond words… to begin guiding a woman towards an eventual physical connection.  This is a skill you want to work on for yourself beginning today.  So the next time you find yourself blabbing away to cover up an uncomfortable silence, try sending her a silent signal of appreciation with your eyes instead.

Remember, YOU may be uncomfortable with silence, but women are drawn into it. Learn to exploit this phenomenon for yourself.

7.  Change Something About Yourself to Improve Your Edge and Get Noticed. LSM’s tend to become socially invisible after a while and will silently fade away into the background.  You need to do something different to start lighting-up on her radar screen!

No need to undergo any sort of colossal surgical makeover either — improving just ONE small but significant thing about yourself can be enough to break everyone’s old, cemented image of you and force them to begin reconsidering who you are.  Grow your hair long, or shave it off.  Get a tat (or a new one that’s cooler).  Try showing up in nice khaki’s instead of the usual dirty jeans — or if you’re a button-down suit-and-tie guy then try loosening up your look a little.  This kind of thing acts as a shock to the system (both to the people around you AND to yourself) and might finally start getting you noticed, maybe for the first time ever! Simple but effective.

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Well there’s 7 ideas to get you started down the path to some potentially exciting personal change.  Notice what I didn’t tell you to do though… I didn’t tell you to go out and get an expensive new wardrobe or to get rich somehow and buy yourself a flashy new car and some kickin’ bling.  The typical things you might think would be necessary to raise a guys’ status so that women begin noticing him.  These can be your long range goals to change and improve your life, but you must crawl before you can walk and it’s easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged if you try to tackle the task of massive personal change head-on from several directions at once.  Most of us probably wouldn’t even know where to begin!

So your first step will be to assume some of the behaviors of the HSM (even is simulation) and use the improved reactions from women as a basis to build your confidence up, and then just continue moving forward from there.  Remember, the goal is to raise the appearance of your male status for the purpose of getting your foot in the door romantically… getting a momentary flash of interest from a chick that you can then seize upon and begin to build off of.  One step at a time, right?

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT: This non-verbal signal of male attractiveness sets the table in such a way to make it possible for you to avoid being rejected as much as possible.  Otherwise you are constantly trying to fly in the face of a hurricane of female disinterest, and it won’t be long before your fledgling confidence is shattered completely.  You must avoid this.

None of these seven things require any huge investment of money either.  What they mostly require is an awareness of yourself — how you act around others and the effect that it has on them.  By adopting this sort of “fake it before you make it” idea of self-improvement you can begin to bootstrap yourself up out of your current behavioral rut and start to create little social breakthroughs for yourself here and there.  These successes are crucial though because they provide bits of inspiration to keep you motivated and moving forward, always improving… getting smarter with each failure and more confident with each success!

Before you know it, you’ll be looking back 1, 2 or ten years later only to realize that the entire trajectory of your life has changed enormously for the better as a result of these simple beginning efforts.

Just don’t write me NEXT Valentine’s Day bitching that you have this hot little girlfriend now who’s demanding silly gifts and expensive bling.  I warned you!

Hi Mike,

I go to gym regularly, and the other day I made nice eye contact with a girl who seemed to be showing a willingness to talk to me.  So I took a chance and offered to take her to the best place in the city for chicken wings.  She asked me where that was.  I was stuck and couldn’t give her the exact name of any great restaurants, so I think I may’ve messed up there?  Then I asked for her phone number and she wouldn’t give it to me.  At that point, I asked her whether or not she had a boyfriend.  She said yes, and so I said goodbye and left.

Today when I went to the gym the supervisor told me that this girl was very much distressed when I pressed her for her phone number.  He said I could not press his staff for their personal information, and that he must cancel my membership unless I apologize to her.

I told him that if I  distressed her, I was willing to apologize and did so.  I think that maybe the question about the boyfriend may have offended her?   Please provide your opinion.  I have since listened your audio on how to ask for a date with the hanging question — I think I will be more confident  asking for dates in the right way from now on!

Thank you!
Ray

Hi Ray,

It’s tough for me to assess what exactly you may’ve done wrong with this girl just from reading your description of events.  I can’t get a sense of how you may’ve presented yourself or if she was sending out the wrong or confusing signals to you.  Or maybe you were just ignoring them and pushing forward anyway?  If she was just being an over-sensitive bitch, etc.   I don’t know.

There is some elevated risk involved in just going for a phone number ‘cold’ like you did.   Sometimes a girl will lock up in the face of a very sudden, bold approach and just snap-reject you. That’s because, in your haste to just keep talking (in order to keep your own fears and insecurities at bay) you made her feel like she’s being boxed into a corner and not being given a chance to get a sense of who you are FIRST, and then to consider your offer calmly.   Or at least what passes for calm reflection at a time like this.   Rationally, I guess you might say.

Instead you’re asking her to just quick hand over her phone number right this moment based on your straightforward offer which, you must realize, is just coming straight out of the blue from her perspective.  It’s okay to take these sort of chances, just understand the risks to the ego are a bit greater than if you take a more roundabout approach.

See when women feel pressured like this they get scared and their fear shuts down the rational side of their mind and calls up her natural protective instincts.   And this instinct instantly compels her to close down and say ‘no’ to anything that you happen to be asking (or demanding of) her to do — to turn you away, to get some physical separation from you, to move you back to a place or situation where’s she’s ’safe’ again.   And all this is done with little or no regard to your feelings. Because women typically have no honor or sense of fair play when it comes to matters of the heart, she’ll tell you anything to get safe… that she has a boyfriend, a husband, that she’s a lesbian or even has herpes… all just to make you cease and desist and go away!

Again, you can mistakenly read this kind of reaction as a horrible personal judgement against yourself (like I used to!), but it’s really just a protective reflex for a lot of people.  Not everyone — some girls are bold and can be up for taking a chance on a sudden opportunity if you catch them in the right mood.  They will make impulsive decisions — but here’s the trouble: it’s hard to tell WHO those ‘player’ women could be beforehand without your actually having to approach them directly and find out.  There can often be no indication either way, so you just have to go for it.   Just like you did!  This is the sort of ’style’ of gaming women that will either get you a nasty rejection or a major home-run sexual / romantic experience! I don’t know what the odds are here, but it’s a total crapshoot for sure.

The less nerve-wracking move is to joke around and talk with a female prospect a little bit and try to get a read on her.  It may even take a few encounters such as if you see her at work or school.  You get a sense of her digging your style (or not), humor, general ‘vibe’ — and then you act based upon that read… that educated guess.  This is more art than science as you can imagine.  There are no certainties when it comes to women.  This is and always will be a slippery game from a man’s point of view.

The more important thing is that the feeling out process gives her a chance to develop a sense about you and see if you can get her romantic antenna to go up.   If you do, she will begin to signal her interest back in the form of body language cues — most importantly, lingering eye contact. From this posture your asking her out will then seem like a logical (women would call it ‘natural’) extension of the growing connection that the two of you seem to be developing.

She will be far more likely to accept your offer now, especially if you use my techniques which will allow her to “see it coming” and psychologically prepare herself for the ‘hit’.  She will have had the time to wrestle with her fears and decide in advance of you asking anything what her answer will be.   This is the position that you are always looking to maneuver yourself into with women. The best thing is to always have several of them in play and see which one bears fruit first.  Make it your own personal game.

Seduction actually begins long before your absolute interest is formally announced by your verbally asking a woman for a date, or even stealing a kiss.

REMEMBER THIS: all of this highly important work that you are doing to “soften her up” like this by just chatting and joking around and connecting with a woman is NOT wasted blab in the service your fear — something which you must then feel guilty about or become self-castigating about… it IS the actual preliminary groundwork of seducing any woman! It IS the seduction itself… now underway and in progress.  No need to punish yourself and make all this stuff deliberately more harder than it already is by nature, by forcing yourself to act boldly in the face of your normal fear.

These are the ’stealthy’ actions that you should always be leading off with to set up and establish your social life.  Have fun!

Hello Mike,

I’ve been working basically on talking to girls and saying “Hi”, just to get rid of my fear of approaching them.  I was in the club last night and there was this girl that I really liked but before I could gain the courage to approach another guy had moved on her.   I’d like to know what is the best way to go about approaching girls in clubs.  Thanks.

Ted

Hi Ted,

Thanks for writing.  Clubs can be tough, they are not the normal world where regular sort of social techniques are effective.  Everybody has their eyes on the top 10% of hot bodies (both men and women) and everyone else looks diminished and low quality in their shadow.   This makes it damn hard to get a “hearing” from women, so it’s a tough environment that requires a thick skin for rejection.  That’s because girls who would otherwise pick up a flirt and play around for awhile with any guy like yourself will reject you pretty quickly instead, especially if it’s obvious to them that you don’t have a lot of “club mojo” or aren’t a regular player in that environment.

Here’s 3 things to know about working in clubs:

1) You have to open with a big playful flirt, something like “Hey baby, you were smokin’ out there on the dance floor! Very nice, I love that _____ look (mention something unique about her look), it’s great.” This delivery should be big and grand and done with a laughing, joking demeanor.  A meek little “Hi my name is Joe…” approach here will be ignored.   You’re invisible giving off this little energy.

2) Watch her eyes! If you get good eye contact and she picks up your flirt you have a shot.  If she won’t meet your eye, then bail-out and save yourself.   She’s a queen who’s not interested in you, for whatever reason.   Pushing further will only draw a firmer rejection.   So you have to sort through them fast in this environment because a lot of them are just out shitting around with girlfriends and ego-tripping on all the guys hitting on them or staring and drooling.  Many have boyfriends.   Women will usually make this sort of grading determination about a man (hot-or-not) in about 3 minutes — in the real world.   In “club reality” you probably have a minute or less.

3) Everything is time-compressed in a club, there’s no getting phone numbers or having long, pleasant conversations here.   It’s all about ACTION and moving and dancing. You have to seem like a player and not a wallflower or you become background noise that gets ignored.   Move around, talk up lots of women, dance.   When women are in motion their juices are flowing and the men appear sexier and more appealing to them. That’s why guys often end up doing it right out in the parking lots with these chicks — time compression means cutting right to the chase lots of times.   This is not a venue to meet people for later dating, it’s about TONIGHT!  What happens tonight.   Lots of touching, flirting, sexual innuendo are in order.   The women are there to get buzzed up and excited and possibly have some kind of adventure tonight — not to meet nice guys.

If you can learn to shift gears and take on a “club-face”… dance, circulate around, become a recognized face, and especially get gossiped about by the women, then you can do well in this environment.   It can be tough for introverts, but if you want to play in this arena then you have to train yourself for this style of game, just like an athletic event.

Hey Mike…

I have struggled with autism all my life which allows me to function academically but has limited my social skills.  The only experiences I’ve had with women were with a girl who was severely overweight and 2 others that I had met when I was hospitalized briefly with depression.   In 2003, I started having an early “midlife crisis” which has prompted me to lose 45 pounds.  I have continued and will continue to maintain the buff and lean physical condition.

My personality has changed in the past few years from being the submissive nice guy to the asshole jock type after putting up with women making remarks about me being a doormat.   I have a great amount of resentment towards women and this gets in the way of interacting with them to the point where I become cold and aloof.

My biggest torment is at the gym where not a day goes by without the sight of the twenty-somethings working out on the cardio machines.   I’ve been told that at my age they are out of my league.  However, I have talked to other guys who are about my age, and such differences did not limit their success.   Would you mind telling me what is in my league in terms of women I could realistically pursue age-wise and possibly include a couple pictures of such women that I can use as a benchmark.

Will

Hi Will,

The whole “in your league” thing is the wrong way to approach this.  No high status male wonders if he’s in any woman’s league… he lets her worry if she’s in HIS.  Your problem is not any age difference, but this resentment that you claim to have.  It’s making you send out signals that repel women by making you seem weird or possibly even dangerous to them.  What they look like means nothing and is a matter of your own personal taste, which I cannot define for you by sending you any pictures.  They are all potentially yours to go after as you see fit.

You need to act open, friendly and interesting to women in order to get on their radar.  They are the ones who select the men, and will signal their interest back to him in some way, most often with solid eye contact. Remember how I talked about charisma in the book?  It’s all about making other people feel GOOD about themselves by having encountered you.   Do you make women feel this way by complimenting and flirting with them — or are you creeping them out with a nasty glare or a refusal to make eye contact?  There’s your answer.  All of those other factors that you listed about yourself including your physical look (which is fine) never come into play if you don’t break down your barriers and begin presenting yourself in a way that fascinates at the moment of first contact. My new book gives lots of pointers about making this first impression work in your favor rather than against you.

You’ve worked to buff up physically, which helps to get you noticed… but that was the easy part.   Now you have to put all the mental mistakes of the past behind you and buff up your attitude and start making yourself seem more fun and approachable to women, or all that work will have been wasted.   Don’t let your disability or late start be an excuse — you learned electrical engineering, you can learn to do this.   Let go of the hate and the rage — it’s time to outgrow all of that junk and get busy living your life to the fullest.

Here’s another article I’ve got posted in my eLert stack about picking up women at the gym.

Hi Mike,

1. In close quarters (i.e. an elevator), you’re definitely right, you can’t make eye contact without looking strange; you just have to start speaking.  I guess the most intimidating part of close quarters’ contact is that since you have to simply “start speaking”, you can’t wait for a “GO” signal and thus it’s harder to approach without feeling that fear of rejection.  Do you agree with that, or would you say there was some possible way to wait for a “GO” signal when dealing with women in close quarters?

2. Is it a “GO” signal when a girl looks at you SEVERAL times but only very briefly each time?  I found this to be the case when I was on the bus a couple of days ago. A girl started briefly looking at me.  Every time she did so, I caught her gaze, she met it for maybe a second, and then looked away and returned to talking to her friend.  This happened six times, and I never initiated the staring; I only met her gaze (which she promptly broke off) after she looked at me.  Was that a “GO” signal?

3. I find that it’s hard to draw eye contact from (1) very attractive women, or (2) while I’m looking at women as I’m walking down the street.  Perhaps that’s because attractive women get hit on more often and so are more on their guard about being receptive to eye contact from a man.  Any suggestions on how to broach this problem, or is this just the way things are?

Thanks again.
Jack

Hi Jack,

In close quarters just simply say hello and smile, her reaction will be the GO signal… either she holds some eye contact and reflects your smile or quickly looks away after a polite “hi” without much of a smile, uninterested.  It’s all you can do when trapped in an elevator and really, perfectly acceptable social behavior so long as you don’t press on in the face of a cool response (now you’re harassing her…).

Many people have a quick “look away” reflex that they can’t fight when someone catches them looking at them.  These repeated glances might be the best that she can do at extended eye contact.  It’s a 50-50 risk for you if you want to open a verbal dialog in this situation, because you won’t get a real strong signal from these types.

Hot girls complain that they never get any dates, and this is one reason why… because they attract so much attention from men they’ve learned how to chill them out almost automatically with zero eye contact all day long.  Then the ice queen bitches that she can’t find any good men!  What they’re really doing is filtering for only the most confident (HSM) type men who can bust through their aloofness, and there aren’t a lot of these around. If you want to play this game, you have to strive to become the top dog and move in the total absence of any signal whatsoever, because you simply won’t get any.  High risk (of your ego) is the price for the high reward (hot chick) here.

Hello,

I am a college student living in an apartment building.  Directly across the hall is this really cute brunette I’d like to hook up with.  The only time I pretty much ever see her is when she’s going from her car to the front door or vice versa.  I tried to be proactive about at least letting her know I exist, so I set up a chair outside, and did my homework until she came out. (This was all before I read your book, BTW)

So when I saw her, I looked directly at her, smiled big, asked her name, introduced myself and gave her a firm handshake.  She was all smiles, and asked me if her hammering noise was bothering me (she was building a workspace).  I told her it did not, and then broke the conversation to go back to my homework (I was under the impression women like guys to seem busy).  Anyways, before she left, she hesitated before walking by, maybe as if she wanted to talk more?

I didn’t get a chance to run into her until about a week later, when I saw her getting into a car as I was exiting the building.  I was sure to make eye contact and smile while waving at her, which she returned.  These 2 experiences are my only contact with her to date.

A week later (a day after I read your entire book) I am wondering what to do.  Where would you suggest I pick up with her next time we see each other?  I am thinking I need to get a positive reaction again and escalate it very quickly afterwards.  I don’t want the window of opportunity to close on me, but at the same time, it feels somewhat delicate as she lives right across the hall – the whole “you don’t shit where you eat” thing comes to mind.  Also, do you think the best approach would be just go out there and do homework some more and wait for her to come by?  Banging on her door sounds very sketchy to me.  Any input is greatly appreciated!

Thanks, love the book
Ken

Hi Ken,

In any situation where you can’t really get a good read on a girl without first hanging yourself out there and making some kind of move, the problem is this… there are maybe a dozen different ways to make a play… but only ONE of them will actually work.  The others will make you seem uninteresting to her, or even a loser.  The dilemma is you have no way of knowing which one that is!

You might be the aggressive guy and just straight up and ask her out… you could just hang out there doing your homework and become the cute guy she sort of sees hanging around in the hall once in awhile who slowly grows on her… or you to become the wacky guy who kids around with her all time… the serious guy who’s interested in the school work, and would only like to get together with her to study… the party guy who wants to invite her out to a keg party, or whatever.  See what I mean?  These are all ways to try and impress her with your personality in advance of asking her out (setting yourself up).  The problem is that only one, or maybe even none, of these is the one and that she’s looking for in a guy.  It’s kind of like a combination lock on a safe… only the right combination will work, but good luck trying to crack the safe!

Therefore, the only play you often have is a fairly high risk one where you’re going to have to adopt an attitude that you date women on a regular basis and that it’s no big deal. This direct shot is the toughest one, but is also the one with the highest odds of success too, because boldness itself is a powerful HSM signal that can overcome other factors in her mind.  Remember those unconscious triggers?  You’re operating blind here because you don’t know if she has a boyfriend or is even interested in one, or even interested in dating around.  She might be just hooked into her school work and doesn’t want any distractions.  Make sure you don’t seem like you’ve been obsessing on her too, because that will creep her out and you’re done.  Hey, this whole game carries some risk.

At your age it’s hard to project any kind of high male status that doesn’t have anything directly to do with physical power — in other words… being an athlete, a star quarterback, like that.  You probably don’t have much in a way of money or accomplishments or career to flash at women to make them select you over other guys.  But if you wait too long she may lose any initial interest that she has, and then when you DO try to ask her out she’ll blow you off.  So you’re stuck here — you can’t wait around too long scoping out the situation.  If you don’t act soon it’ll seem like it took you took long to scare up your courage, and that’s bad.

That’s why I would try to meet up with her again under any circumstance, even if it’s artificial, and make a direct play.  That seems like your best shot to me.

Dear Mike,

You are the man!… such a class act — you actually read and respond to the emails sent to you by us seducer-hopefuls, even though you already have our money for the wonderful e-book.   One thing that I have come to notice about myself, now that I am discovering a new me that is no longer burdened by toxic shame, is that I am more sincere with myself and others.   When I compliment others, it is genuine, whereas before it was mostly contrived and fashioned to elicit a favorable impression of me.   I was so self-centered!

I am hoping you can help me with something of an issue I am having.   I work in a science lab, and there are a couple of labs on the same floor as mine.   There is this young woman, a college student, who works in one of the adjoining labs.   She is cute, and seems to have a fun personality.   We know each other’s names, but have had limited contact due to the nature of our work.   I’ve been friendly with her, but am careful not to be ‘nice’ and act like a suckass.   I’m not entirely sure, but I am getting vibes from her that she might be interested in me, and is waiting for me to do something.   She’ll call me by name, and look at me and smile, and sometimes will do this getting my attention when I am busy working on something and she happens to pass by.

I would definitely be up for flirting with this girl, but there is the problem that we are in a very special work environment.   It would be perceived as highly unusual if I were to saunter over to where she was and start flirting with her in a romantic way.   Friendly ‘buddy’ chatter might be fine, but flirting with sexual overtones would be problematic.   The lab heads are always around, and even if they were not, my professional relationships with colleagues would most definitely be hurt.   I do not want to jeopardize my ability to obtain good references from this job.

With all of these in the way, would it be better to just let it be as it is, or can you suggest some way I can get her with me someplace else away from work?   In situations such as these, when my job is rather important, is it unwise to try to get a flirt going with someone at the workplace?  Thanks so much for listening!

Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks for writing and for your kind comments about the book, glad to see that it’s helping to straighten out your thinking about this subject… AND yourself.

Your situation at work can be tricky and you certainly don’t want to do anything to mess up your career path by making a dumb, heavy-handed move.   Many companies have very strict policies when it comes to sexual harassment, and the guy is always at the disadvantage in the sense that the woman’s claims are always taken seriously, and it’s the guy who has to prove his innocence.   Unlike the American justice system where the accused is presumed innocent, these things can be more like the Salem witch trials where you get accused of witchcraft and brought before a tribunal to prove to them that you are NOT a witch!

The thing to understand about harassment is that it’s always in the eye of the beholder insofar as the woman is concerned.   The key thing to watch for is if she seems to be sending you signals (non-verbal) that she likes you, IN ADVANCE of your actions. If she does, then your advance is seen as a harmless, playful flirt which she enjoys.  If, however, she doesn’t dig you or actually dislikes you, then the EXACT SAME MOVE can be perceived as unwanted harassment!

So your instincts about her are crucial – the risk of getting into trouble with your employer hinges on how well you’ve made this read of her apparent feelings about you.  Eye contact and how she seems to regard you with her eyes is a very keen non-verbal indicator of desire or disinterest.

The lowest risk play is to limit the amount of actual flirting at work until you can arrange some way to meet her outside of work.   Would it seem natural to join her for lunch some time?   Just seek some common ground at that little lunch meet, get her laughing, and when you’ve got her in a high state of positive emotions… that’s the best time to escalate and ask for a more formal dinner date or even a coffee get together outside the work cafeteria.   If she refuses, then just drop it and move on and do not act vindictive and petty or continue to bother her about it.   This sort of petulant behavior can only get you into more trouble.   Plus, if you act with class and dignity in the face of a rejection there’s always a chance she might put in the good word about you to another friend or female co-worker.

Remember, the best way to advertise yourself (as a man) is always to let other women carry the water for you with their positive and hopefully friendly gossip.