The High Status Male

Most of us men know all too well that horrible moment of quiet terror when we’re steeling ourselves to “spring the question” on some girl at work or school and ask her out on a date! Our heart races and our throat tightens as the moment approaches — and we begin desperately trying to talk ourselves out of it: “she won’t say yes, it’s impossible… she’s got a boyfriend… she’s got exams coming up, she’s way too busy, she’s out of my league…”. Sort of comical I suppose, but disturbing nonetheless.

This anxious reaction in guys facing this sort of situation is more common than you might imagine.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any easier to live through for some of us.  After all, you are preparing yourself to stand psychologically “naked” before some girl and expose your (possibly shame-bound) desires to her.  So some level of fear must be normal, you would think, right?  But THIS intense?  So terrifying that I can’t speak or even MOVE?!

So the real question is this: how do you distinguish between the common and quite rational fear of being rejected by a woman, and the more complex issue of chronic love shyness?

Here’s a little test: do you find it’s impossible to engage a woman with romantic intent even when she’s sending you “GO” signals all over the place with obvious body language cues, or unmistakable flirtatious behavior?  If she’s making it so perfectly clear that she’s NOT going to reject you, then what’s there to be afraid of?

Well, what you could be afraid of is revealing to her your very secretly shamed need for affection.  See, at some point in your life you were made to feel ashamed whenever you expressed a desire for love and affection, and it caused this very basic (and normal) human desire to become shame-bound, i.e., linked to the sensation of shame so that you could not experience one without feeling the other along with it. A shamed emotion is perceived as painful, alien and strange — and therefore must always be kept hidden from view of others!

Shame like this can become so overwhelming that it becomes known as toxic.

Now sometimes the misery of shame-induced love shyness can be temporarily suppressed with the use of drugs, food or alcohol.  This is the reason people become deeply addicted: because focus on the addictive behavior allows them distraction from the underlying pain, as well as creating some degree of freedom to experience the emotion shamelessly for awhile.  Think of how YOU act when you get too drunk or high.  Pawing every girl in sight at the bar?  That’s because the emotion we most often seek to express when uninhibited by drugs is the one which is the most tightly bound by shame when sober.

The first thing that you need to understand insofar as turning this situation around for yourself is that knowledge is power. Simply having your eyes opened to the mechanics of love shyness and how it has been adversely affecting your life can become a powerful tool for dismantling it.  Knowing and understanding that your shame-bound emotions are something that was done TO you, and is not really YOU (i.e. an permanent aspect of your personality) is an enormous revelation in itself… one that holds vast potential for jump-starting your personal growth almost immediately.

A second weapon you should have in your arsenal against love shyness is what psychologists call desensitization.  This idea makes use of the natural tenancy of the mind to adapt to anything after a while and become bored with it.  What bores us becomes psychologically invisible and eventually gets taken for granted, and when that happens the emotion in question loses its potential to generate any kind of strong response within us, either good or bad.  I mean, an event or experience that provokes no emotion is the very definition of boring, right?

So how do we turn an intense fear of rejection into something that actually bores us?  Try this experiment in personal growth (and mind-over-matter) for yourself: next time you have an opportunity to talk to an attractive woman, even in some non-romantic situation (like work or school), begin to think about asking her out on a date. Really try to do this seriously and not just as a joke in your own mind.  You’re REALLY going to ask her out in five more seconds and reveal to her your shameful need for affection by blushing like a five year old.  Yikes!

If you can do this mental exercise with the sort of intense focus that makes it real within your consciousness, you should begin to feel that familiar fear begin to swell in your chest and choke your throat closed.  Now you’re getting it!

Now here’s the important part: try to HOLD yourself in this uncomfortable state for as long as you can before you excuse yourself and slip away.  Make your retreat calm and sociable and with good humor… don’t just bolt away in panic to the nearest john and start puking! Relax, no one knows what’s going on inside your head except you.  This is the important ‘inner work’ of self-change and personal growth that you are now undertaking.

The trick now becomes to repeat these “near-shame approaches” as often as you can find the opportunity to do so in order for the desensitization to really begin to take effect.  You should push yourself a little closer to opening your mouth and actually speaking the terrifying words “…would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?…” in order to provoke those feelings of intense fear and “shy guy” paralysis that normally haunt you.  By raising the psychological bar like this one small but significant notch at a time, you are slowly making it more and more difficult for the love shyness to take over and set off all those humiliating physical anxiety reactions that you hate so much… things like sweating, nervousness, the squeaky little-kid voice, etc.

Keep this self-restructuring process up for several weeks at least — just whenever you can manage to run a mentally-simulated “approach”.  In essence what you’re doing is toying with your love shyness now… poking and teasing it by deliberately getting close to performing the frightening activity that draws the shameful feelings up out of where they hide deep within your unconscious mind, and forcing them to run their routine for you on demand.

What will happen is that the feelings of shyness will begin to exhaust themselves after a while — especially if you stay determined and keep “false-alarming” them regularly whenever possible.  Each time there will be some degree of mental discomfort to suffer through, and that’s good!  The amazing magic starts to become apparent when after a while, you find that you have to keep getting closer and closer to the edge of actually speaking the words before you can get the fear to bubble up inside your gut.

Now you’re beginning to cripple your love shyness!

Each time that you drag the fearful feelings up it’s like using mental sandpaper to scratch them down to a smaller and smaller nub.  With such frequent and repeated “sanding” your despised veneer of shyness will soon become thinner and less powerful in its grip over you.  One day you’ll find that you can actually go right through the entire routine FOR REAL and ask a girl out on a real date… and without hardly feeling any nervousness about it in the least!

I know that caught in the grip of your fears right now this may all seem impossible to conceive of even as you are reading this… but the techniques of desensitization DO work wonders.  They are commonly used by psychotherapists everywhere to cure seriously anxious people of some very strong phobias, such as a pathological fear of flying, leaving the safety of their home, driving across tall bridges, etc.  So you can surely do this with a “lightweight” phobia such as fear of rejection without much help beyond your own determination and by using the techniques that I just showed you.

Your defeated love shyness will simply give up and go away before long… too exhausted to torment you any longer.

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Copyright 2010 by Mike Pilinski

Let’s talk about what it means to be a shy person and why having this moniker hung on you can be a heavy personal burden to bear.  Shyness in general, and especially in youngsters, is a cautionary reaction designed to make you ‘freeze up’ in a sort of protective instinct that goes something like this: “If I just stand here, say nothing and remain invisible, then no harm will come to me…” Now for a kid, this might make sense.  Unfortunately, this sort of reflexive tendency to lock-up around unfamiliar people or situations can persist into adulthood as a nasty bad habit, and that’s when it becomes trouble.

For guys especially shyness can be socially devastating because it makes it virtually impossible for you to make that first ‘revealing move’ around women… the sort of action that can signal your possible romantic interest in her.  This puts you at a major disadvantage on the romantic playing field because, if you are always “turtling-up” into this ego-protective mode, then you are certainly not connecting with anyone!

That said, here are 7 key pointers about becoming more social that every shy person should thoroughly understand:

1)  While shyness can sometimes be considered “cute” in women it is absolutely deadly for men. Here’s why: because appearing or acting shy is a bright red signal flare of low male status.  It’s an indication that you have been ‘put in your place’ by the other men in your world — that they have cowered and bossed and mocked you into submission, and now it makes itself visible for all to see in your shy behavior.

Now perhaps you’ve been able to create an aura of accomplishment and respectability around yourself in your professional (non-romantic) life that gives you some shielding from the worst of your shyness — but these defenses quickly lose their power when it comes to being judged worthy of romantic possibility by women.  Females have a unique power to pierce and destroy the pretenses established at great cost and effort by men — and it’s the thought of coming face-to-face with this awesome power from which a lot of your rejection-fearing shyness probably arises in the first place.

2)  Most people actually HATE being around a shy person. Why?  Because demonstrating shyness has the effect of causing many people’s OWN latent shy feelings to come bubbling up to the surface (and everyone has a little bit of shyness lurking in them somewhere for this to play on…).  “He’s always acting so shy, he starts to make ME feel shy… I hate that!” What you are doing is (unwittingly) engaging in a subtle psychological practice called MODELING.  When we model certain actions and behaviors in front of others they tend to unconsciously pick them up and mimic them, especially if there’s a wall of formality still existing between people (i.e., total strangers) and therefore a bit of nervousness involved in their behaviors towards one another.

Test this out for yourself: next time you are face-to-face with someone and you both have drinks in front of you for instance, watch how many times you can pick up your drink, or toy with the straw or something, and the other person will almost immediately begin doing the exact same thing without even thinking about it.  That’s modeling! Now if you are aware of what you’re doing and purposeful in your actions, it’s possible to have people copying your behaviors and attitudes all over the place.  These are actually common politician’s and salesman’s tricks that you can borrow and use to your advantage if you, again, are purposeful and can practice living outside of your own head a little bit.

3)  Roll over all small embarrassments and make nothing of them. Much of your shyness has to do with being too inwardly-directed — simply meaning that you tend to dwell too much on what’s going on inside your own “thought cloud” rather than being fully engaged within your surrounding environment.  The typical shy person has a tendency to assign too much importance to every little thing that he does or every little move that he makes.  Stop this right now by getting out of your head in any way that you can manage to do so.  Focus more on modeling and controlling your “puppets” if you must!

4)  Stop obsessing over every little thing that you might feel like saying — essentially pre-editing yourself out of many good conversations before they can even begin! I used to do this all the time: pre-judging and PRE-REJECTING everything that I was about to say before the words ever made it out of me.  You feel like others are constantly judging your thoughts and ideas every second of the day, and this kind of intense scrutiny — imaginary or not — is difficult to hold up under.  It’s little wonder that you are reluctant to speak up!  I think this is why introverts find people to be more a source of stress to them rather than of comfort.  It’s also one of the major reasons why being social may feel like such a chore for you, when it can often seem like such a breeze to most everyone else.

The sad part is that the entire underlying dynamic causing this pre-rejecting response (i.e., the intense scrutiny of others) doesn’t even exist in actuality.  It’s entirely in your mind for the most part, and you are merely projecting all this garbage onto others and seeing what really isn’t there. This is a form of paranoia, but it’s also a form of arrogance as well.  Arrogance?  That’s right: after all, what makes YOU so special that everyone is always watching YOU and everything that you are doing all the time?  Why do YOU deserve such constant observation?  Well you don’t, and you aren’t getting any! This is all what’s known as ‘magical thinking’, and it’s an error in cognition that you need to address and overcome.

5)  Shyness is a distortion of our natural sense of shame — which has gone off the rails and become associated with emotions that are not inherently shameful. Shame is the master controller emotion of the entire human race and has been used as such throughout history.  It is wielded as a psychological bludgeon by societies, parents, religions (they are experts!…) and almost every other sort of collective gathering of people to steer individual behaviors towards some commonly accepted norm.  Most of us would not walk around naked in public for instance, because we would be ashamed to do so.

But do we have some sort of natural instinct that makes us feel weird and uncomfortable about walking around publicly naked?  Not necessarily, we were TAUGHT at some young age to keep our clothes on and our private parts covered around others by our parents.  This was a “rule” they imposed at some appropriate moment, and they likely had to make us feel ashamed about our nakedness at some point in our development in order to get us to comply with this rule.  Once scolded and “embarrassed” about it, our desire to be naked in public then became shame bound — that is, the feeling of shame was successfully linked to this idea of wanton exhibitionism in order to inhibit the desire.  It therefore became impossible to experience this desire without feeling ashamed about it! The two sensations became tightly linked (bound) at the deepest levels of our consciousness.

When shame becomes associated or “bound” to the wrong sorts of emotions however (like our natural human need to feel affection for instance) it can make us unable to experience these particular emotions in the absence of the shame.  And because shame is so uncomfortable to experience, we will usually seek to maneuver clear of this psychic pain by avoiding whatever stimulus threatens to trigger it off.  We “shy” away from such stimuli. Socializing with other people (and especially in a potentially romantic context) can unleash a Pandora’s Box of different emotions.  This is normal.  However, if any of these critical emotions have become shame-bound at some point along the way, then they cannot be experienced without the associated torment of shame being present as well.  Thus, we are made to suffer adult shyness in this sad and maddening way.

Shame that has gotten itself twisted around our normal emotions where it doesn’t belong is known as toxic. This is a large and complex subject that I talk about in my books and is really beyond the scope of this short article.  Suffice to say that toxic shame is the basis of almost every sort of addictive behavior that you can imagine — from alcohol to overeating, rage, sadness, hard drugs like cocaine or even obsessive work-aholism.  That’s because we have a powerful urge to escape from shame’s poisonous effects in whatever way that we can.  Certain things must therefore be made off limits to us and cannot be experienced as they should be.  Our spirit becomes strangled over time, and we seek to nullify this chronic pain with the distractions of our addictions.

6)  Discover the power of self-compassion to overcome chronic shame and self-hatred. Shy people are often so mentally tough on themselves that it’s no wonder they constantly act as though they’ve been cowered into submission.  They have been: by an internal cognitive monster called the Tyrannical Conscience.

Ask yourself this: who else do you HATE so badly that you would wish the same kind of monster to enter their brain and torture them as relentlessly as you torture yourself with thoughts of fear, uncertainty and inadequacy?  What?… you say that no one else deserves such cruel treatment?  Only you?  Well now there’s that good ol’ arrogance again… this idea that only YOU can be held to such high, God-like standards of performance to which you repeatedly fail to measure up (and therefore must be made to feel ashamed about).  Everyone else (all those lower class beings?…) get a pass I guess.  They get compassion, but not you.  Shame can create such thinking distortions known as grandiosity — what John Bradshaw in his great book “Healing The Shame That Binds You” calls the Disabled Will.

7)  Shyness in adults is learned behavior — essentially a bad habit. This is actually good because it means that it is possible to completely reverse your shyness!  Since the original fear which the shyness was designed to protect you against no longer exists, once the “back of your shyness is broken” it should not return.

Remember, it doesn’t matter that you may have to “trick” yourself into getting started down the road to defeating your shyness, all that matters is the final RESULT.  Actors and sports stars use similar mental tricks to get themselves up for a game or a performance, and no one gives them any grief about it.  So why can’t you do the same?

Your job as a recovering shy person is to first embrace this serious flaw in your thinking without fear and then move forward to correct it.  No anger or regret, just strength of purpose.  And lots of self-compassion for a change.

For all you guys out there who are having a difficult time attracting the romantic attention of women, one major reason for this could be due to your lack of a confident male display.  This is that invisible and silent “vibe” that you are always sending out about yourself to females everywhere.  If your own male ‘love beacon’ has been broadcasting a weak and unappealing signal that’s been getting you nowhere lately, then you need to boost up the strength of this Love & Romance energy field and make it shine with the light of unstoppable courage!  This is essentially the master seducer’s secret to success: quietly capturing the interest of a woman away from the men who surround her with his A+ male display, and then gradually monopolizing it until he’s got her completely hooked into him.

Well check this out… here are 5 Instant Confidence Boosters that can immediately help you begin appearing onto the romantic radar screens of women everywhere, ASAP:

1) The #1 mental gear-shift that can almost instantly improve your outlook on most everything and make you appear more confident to everyone involves creating a brand new mental Confidence Frame for yourself… and then plastering it all over your reality!

What am I talking about?  A confidence frame is a highly personalized LENS through which you view the world.  It’s a mental filter — a “coloring” that determines your perception OF (and reaction TO)  what’s going on in your presence.  Your confidence frame is more than just an academic exercise however, it tends to constrain what is or isn’t viewed as possible for you to achieve by setting limits beyond which you’ve convinced yourself that you cannot venture.  Your confidence frame operates by overlaying a veneer of assumptions across whatever it is that you’re witnessing — and it’s those personal limitations that determine the sorts of “safe” interactions that you can engage in with any particular situation or person.

You can think of this as the invisible boundaries defined by your fear.

Here’s how it works: two people standing side by side viewing the same reality will apply entirely different biases (assumptions) to what their seeing, and thus create completely different (even totally OPPOSITE) interpretations of that situation.  For instance, I see a girl standing there and I think that it’s possible for me to walk up to her and get a conversation going, and you think that this isn’t possible for YOU to do.  Neither one of us is actually right or wrong in a strict sense — and our “overlay of assumptions” may have little to do with our actual chances of making this happen anyway, since it cannot take into account the one big ‘unknown’… if she would even be remotely interested in either one of us!

What it DOES do however is position us to either take or withhold a particular sort of action based upon our applied bias to this neutral observation of a girl who’s just ’standing over there’.  This GO / NO-GO decision point (and you live through several of these each day) has the potential to change the trajectory of your life to some major or minor degree — depending upon what you actually decide do… make a move, or simply allow the moment to pass.

The built-up weight of these kinds of collective choices, in retrospect, are what determines where you are in your life right now — which is essentially a patchwork of all these decision points both big and small that you have made along the way.  Sure, some of the reality of your world may’ve been imposed upon you by the actions of others or by circumstances beyond your control, but a lot of it wasn’t.  It is mostly our own choice to be where we are today (even if the main “chooser” was our fear). People with a social anxiety phobia for instance have applied a strong negative bias to most every aspect of their reality, which thus colors their world through a prism of abject fear.  You should strive to stay out of this deadly trap of fear-based decision-making and begin coloring YOUR world through the lens of limitless possibility.

2)  Get all the people who “know” you as being sad, depressed or lonely OUT of your life. I’m serious.  Do whatever it takes (short of anything violent) to diminish the supporting effect they are having on the psychic MONSTERS that you are trying to flush out of your skull!

The people around you can often feel threatened by any sudden change in your attitude or physical state — especially if those changes are life-enabling for you. Such personal changes threaten to have you moving “out in front of them” in terms of where they imagine you to belong in their own personal pecking order (which is usually somewhere beneath you, of course).  I’m talking about work, school, and especially within your own family structure.  You need to begin casting a more critical eye upon these individuals and begin grading them for their usefulness to you.  Don’t assume that these people have your best intentions at heart, they often do not.

In my books I talk extensively about male status and becoming the “high status male” in order to begin attracting the kind of high quality women that you desire into your world.  People who can support you rather than drag you down.  Well, you cannot feel that you are high status in any sense of the word if you are constantly being put down by the people that surround you.  These individuals act as physical manifestations of the poisonous thinking that’s going on inside your head. They re-enforce your circular rotten thinking, and they need to go!

3)  Dump good old “schmootie” or “titso” forever. Or whatever other sort of cutesy, put-downish nickname that others may’ve stamped you with over the years.  Think about some of the more powerful and respected people that you know of.  Do they get these sorts of stupid nicknames hung on them?  Do people dare call them by it to their face… or are they afraid of the consequences?  Or maybe just too respectful? Again, as noted in confidence booster #2, this sort of thing represents all the external inertia present in your world which works against your making any sort of positive, uplifting changes in your life.  This is entirely toxic to the free and full expression of your existence.  Get rid of it! You have 2 choices here: face these people down or flee them.  Either method will work — although the first has the added benefit of improving your self-esteem enormously.

I realize that the number of people we could be talking about or the pervasiveness of their low regard for you may make this seem like an impossible task, as you could be vastly outnumbered by these agents of psychic doom.  Regardless, you must revolt against their endless tyranny and seek your own mental freedom!

4) Taking a major mulligan (a “do over”) on your life can be thought of as your next really big confidence booster… in the sense that you will ultimately walk away from such a fearful experience a VASTLY stronger person.  Especially if you’re in the 20 to 40 age range reading this right now, you will be thanking your lucky stars that you took up the challenge of personal self-change when you did because it only gets tougher as you get older and more set in your ways and attitudes.

I’m talking about seeking out a completely new circle of friends where you can finally get some emotional support.  This may mean having to discover entirely new social circles, changing schools, your place of employment, a spouse… or maybe even the radical decision to pack your bags and leave town.  It all depends on just how much importance you are willing to give this crazy idea that having some RESPECT from others (and also from somewhere deep inside your own head) is worth more than the safety and security of holding onto your current crummy life situation.

It means looking the risk of building a new life for yourself straight in the eye… and refusing to blink!

5)  Know and understand the critical importance of long-term MOTIVATION when mounting any sort of major challenge to your well-established routines and habits — and especially when trying to break out of calcified old thinking ruts.  Your brain has made subconscious assumptions about the limits of possibility for you.  It has spent a lifetime subtly directing your thoughts and behaviors in ways that create a supporting reality… thus “proving” everything it believes about you to be “true”.

These profound if poisonous self-created assumptions can get themselves buried in very deep — and can therefore take a very powerful commitment of motivation to reverse.  Attempting to just casually sweep these rooted-in ideas aside in the service of more positive ones will likely be regarded as a THREAT to the very existence of the subconscious itself… and so will be viciously resisted at every turn.  This is why it can be so difficult to remain motivated to stay at positive personal change until it finally begins to take hold, but this is the task that you must now shoulder.  Otherwise, this is a process that runs almost hypnotically and unconsciously unless you deliberately force it to STOP.

Finally, whether it’s something physical like losing weight or quitting smoking, or something completely psychological like changing your fundamental belief system, you’ll find that Courage and Self-Awareness are your best friends for remaining in the fight long enough to achieve the kind of boost in confidence that you are seeking.  Just stay true to yourself — and stay in the fight no matter what sort of blowback you encounter.  Remember that no one can prevent you from having anything that you truly desire in life.  Except you.

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And speaking of having more confidence…

You know that I just posted my entire Kick Ass Confidence 7 Part Audio Training Series up online as a totally FREE giveaway program, right?  So go listen to the entire 90 minute program for nuthin’… take a look and sign-up on the following page:

http://www.ka-confidence.com

Thanks!
~MP

Nothing creates a more attention-grabbing romantic signal that most women will immediately take notice of than the magnificent display of Confidence in men.  Whether it’s actually while in the act of “hitting” on her itself, or merely doing something powerfully in her presence, confidence always makes a stunning impact on women!

A dynamic display of self-confidence can have a near magical ability to influence others and get them to RESPECT you as well — and it’s especially important for women to see men as being confident because it plays into their subconscious grading system via which they sort out the (attractive) high status males from their (less desirable) low status counterparts.

Here’s an important fact that you may not be aware of: men gain most of their natural confidence not so much by interacting with women, but by competing against one another. So your seeming LACK of it will be read by a lot of these women as a measure of your submission to these other men… professionally, financially, physically, etc.  You have apparently been made into one of their bitches and now it shows through in your shyness and lack of self-confidence!

This may not be entirely fair, but you need to understand little IS fair in the game of romance and seduction — and so it’s something that you need to factor in when it comes to getting yourself seen as being out there “on the playing field”… an important appearance that you should always try to maintain.

So in light of all this, here are 7 important confidence tips that can really help you pump-up a weak and paltry male display:

1)  Realize that most people are probably just as big a bundle of doubts and insecurities as you are, probably even more so. And especially women… and DOUBLE especially if she’s a 9 or 10! This is the ‘hidden insecurity’ phenomenon that the pick up artist’s technique known as “neg hitting” attempts to exploit, (although I myself am not a practitioner of this particular fine art, charming little sweetheart that I am)…

Regardless, understand that we are ALL fighting with these same challenges and demons… merely to different degrees.  So keep soldiering on — you are not alone in your struggles!

2) People are NOT mind readers… which means that they cannot peer into your soul and know your deepest fears at a mere glance.  So if you appear to be confident around them, then who are they NOT to believe you?  “Hey, this guy seems pretty confident in himself for some reason, so I guess I’ll go along with it…” This gives us the advantage of being able to “fake it until we make it” and pad our male display with some early bluffing until our personal change becomes more genuine and deeply integrated into our core personality.

Look, you’re probably already practicing exactly the opposite process right now when you consistently keep talking the wrong sort of internal self-talk to yourself.  You are essentially hypnotizing yourself into acting in ways that support a poor and unattractive self-image.  So if you want a better self-image, then learn to fill your head with better thoughts about yourself and your value as a person than you do now. Inner game is essentially 99% of the “secret” to coming off like the confident alpha male around women!

3) Try to always remain aware of your body language and the kinds of “plus or minus” subliminal signals about yourself that you could be broadcasting to women — they have an extremely sensitive radar for this sort of thing, and especially when it comes to men.  I’m talking about things like shoulders back, head up, solid eye contact, being at ease about casually being the first to touch someone non-offensively (an assumed HSM “privilege”).

Hey, don’t be afraid to employ a few “cheap trick” confidence tips like this next one to get some early points on the board for yourself:  For instance, if you’re still too shy to meet someone’s eye directly, then stare at their nose. Seriously, it’s an old salesman’s trick… people cannot tell the different between someone staring at the bridge of their nose and someone who’s looking them straight in the eye.  Try it today and see for yourself.  (And also take note the more positive reaction that you are pulling from people as well… The power of confidence!)

4) If you see yourself as being confident in your own mind, then you will give off a confident “vibe” about yourself without even being aware of it. This has to do with the inability of the human mind to distinguish between common everyday reality and a richly-imagined fantasy.  Your imagination is the gateway to achieving feelings of deep self-worth, so learn how to use it to “fool” your subconscious mind into seeing yourself in a stronger frame. What you are looking to do is create an emotion more overwhelming than your fear.  This will allow you to begin seeing the people around you differently, while having them view YOU differently as well.

It’s from this shift in subliminal vibes that new social opportunities will soon begin to appear all around you — and your shiny new cloak of unstoppable confidence will be the power that drives it forward!

5) Never worry about having to “back up” your confidence — almost no one ever has to do this.  People see you acting confidently and that’s just the way it is, they simply accept it.  Rarely will anyone challenge you to “prove” it (prove what?).  It’s only those guys who really insist on pressing what a tough guy they are that eventually end up in fights.  This isn’t confidence, it’s bravado.  Like having a fat ‘tell’ in poker.

Look, there’s no shame in trying to change whatever poor thinking it is that’s currently holding you back from participating fully in the game of love and romance, so don’t worry about any of this high-minded BS.  These are just mental red herrings designed to keep you distracted from making serious personal change in your life.  No one can know what you are doing in the privacy of your own mind, and it’s none of their business anyway – so feel free to imagine your way straight into a better life!

6) Get good at something that makes you look cool and/or powerful and competent and show it off somehow (guitar hero anyone?… just kidding .  Seriously.  Why not strive to become skilled at some type of activity, trade, sport or even a cool hobby like rock climbing to help yourself attract women?  Start with some modest demonstration of your prowess and just keep playing it up.  Soon you’ll begin to gather a following of closer friends and maybe even a few fans as well.  (Just don’t “pied-piper” them all into the jungle one day and have them sample your specially formulated kool-aid…!)

7)  Surrender the Self-Hatred and let your spirit fly! Give up once and for all on the misguided belief that your station in life is somehow genetically or culturally imposed upon you, and that you are permanently stuck right where you are.  That’s Middle Age-going-nowhere sort of thinking.  What it really is, is self-hatred keeping you locked in its “hopeless and helpless victim” trap.  It performs this little feat by making any other alternative life-path seem impossible for you to achieve, which is utter nonsense of course.

Take a chance to prove this to yourself today by challenging your fear in some significant way.  Get mad at your fear, take it on! Don’t let these powerful ideas that I’m giving you just go in one ear and out the other… use them!

I think that confidence, to finally describe it, is nothing more than an overriding assumption that things will always go your way in the end… no matter what. But this won’t happen for you until you get out there and demonstrate to yourself that new and vastly different possibilities really can exist… for YOU. Once you achieve this absolutely critical cognitive breakthrough (called, duh… “belief and motivation”…) you’ll finally be able to take those first few baby steps towards massive personal change…

And at that point, believe it or not, the hardest part of the entire journey will already be behind you.

–

And speaking of having more confidence…

I just put my brand new Kick Ass Confidence 7 Part Audio Training Series up online as a totally FREE giveaway program.  That’s right, you can now listen to the entire 90 minute program for free.  Just sign-up on the following page:

http://www.ka-confidence.com

And you’ll get the links for each of the 7 lessons e-mailed to you at 3 day intervals.  This gives you time to listen to each one and perform the little homework assignments before the next part arrives.  It’s a more disciplined way to learn, prevents overwhelm and REALLY WORKS!  Give it a try, and I thank you for your support.  And be sure to spread the word to any of your interested friends who could use a little extra shot of self-confidence. 

~MP

The other day I received a sad letter from a guy who seems to have completely hit bottom in a social sense.  He wrote of having been unable to function around people since high school, of being the butt of universal scorn, humor and disrespect all his life.  Embarrassment and shattered courage dogged his every failed attempt to connect with women.  What this man described to me sounded more than just a case of ordinary rejection fear and more like full blown social phobia.  He talked about having been bullied, humiliated and put down by his peers and possibly even his own family while growing up, although it wasn’t clear to me if this later fact was true.  I would bet that his upbringing contributed in some way though, by instilling in him a high degree of shame about some critical aspect of his own sense of self-worth.

So I wrote him back, and now I’d like to share some of my thoughts with you concerning this issue of being trapped in a private hell of social isolation — at least from my humble layman’s perspective (a layman who’s read over 1,000 letters from shy and troubled men all across the world, however…).

Life-long, repeated negative re-enforcement of any stimulus — good or bad — has an almost hypnotic effect on the unconscious mind.  Relentless psychological abuse becomes a form of brainwashing that fosters chronic feelings of loss and helplessness, which then becomes deeply integrated into your soul.  It makes you begin to doubt what your actual value to the world and to the people in your life might even be — while drawing a line around what is and isn’t possible for you to accomplish by creating a high barrier of self-limiting beliefs.

A person who’s been mistreated all his life soon becomes something like a dog that’s been beaten since it was a puppy… until it ultimately learns to cower in fear of everyone.  In the case of people, we tend to lose trust in ourselves and our own natural talents.  You then begin to get caught up in a personal passion play involving the poisonous emotion of Self-Hatred.

How self-hatred works in the human consciousness is really pretty nasty because it causes you to make a ‘devil’s bargain’ in your head that goes something like this: focus on something that’s very important to you (money, respect, authority, friends / family, women or love) and deny yourself access to that pleasure by engaging in some manner of subtle self-sabotage (i.e., self defeating behavior), which then makes it impossible to bring these elements into your life.

For those of us with social anxieties, the self-hatred usually turns it’s destructive forces upon our desire to connect with others and have meaningful relationships with them.  The other half of the bargain has to do with green-lighting various other addictions “as compensation” for the pain being caused… such as drugs, food, chronic masturbation, etc.

Now the yin-yang of failure is firmly locked in your skull!

Your unconscious mind then sets about re-enforcing this distorted, dark image that it has created by having you act in bizarre or socially awkward ways that will cause this precisely envisioned reality of rejection and social scorn to form itself around you.  The subconscious, self-hating “you” can then look around and think: “see, I was right all along… you are a complete social incompetent, and everyone hates you!”. It has now become what they call self-referencing, having created it’s own proof that it is correct in it’s twisted view of you.  You have become your own “bitch” in a sense.

This type of mental self-destruction doesn’t have to focus itself on your social life either.  A person’s self-hating machinery can just as easily create a life situation where you are flat broke all the time (via low paying job, gambling, divorce+child support, etc.) IF it thinks that money is the most important thing in your life.  But for many of the socially inhibited, your self-hate has decided that love and companionship are what you really desire the most, and so THAT’S where this beast has targeted its point of torture.

The actual mechanics of social / romantic self-hatred in action are rather straightforward: you become convinced on a deep unconscious level of your worthlessness as a person… so much so that you begin to PRE-reject yourself in every little minor social encounter before the other person has even had a chance to make their own unique assessment of you.  You are helping them “see” what an LSM (low status male) you really are so they don’t get it wrong! Your behavior acts as a signal that broadcasts “worthless human approaching, get ready to laugh…” and is picked up and unconsciously acted upon by others.  A kind of self fulfilling prophecy.

Understand this: people are not mind readers. They watch for body language and verbal clues being broadcast from YOU to decide how they should be feeling about you.  Are you harmless or a threat to them?  Open or cautious, secretive or friendly?  What’s the deal with you?  This is how people reflexively think because meeting strangers always entails a certain amount of fear.  It’s inbred into us after millions of years of evolution where it has served our survival.  In modern societies where we are mostly protected from random strangers harming us however, it tends to get in the way of our social progress quite a bit.

So do you get what I’m saying here?…  people will pick up and then COPY however it is that you seem to regard yourself. Then they will attach this label to you (accurate or not) and it becomes their first and most powerful impression of you!

Remember what I said… people are NOT mind readers.  I’m stressing this because I want you to understand the vital importance of the signals that you are sending out with your behaviors and actions (not even necessarily with your words — you can make a “silent” bad impression on someone too).

Imagine for instance that you present yourself to someone when first meeting them as being powerful and genuine and charismatic, and they think to themselves: “Hmmm, this guy seems to have a high regard for himself for some reason (which they cannot know why yet), so I guess I’ll show him some respect until he gives me a reason to do otherwise”.

But if you present yourself instead as shy and ashamed and embarrassed for no apparent reason they will think: “Why is this guy acting like this?  What’s he hiding?  Why can’t he look me in the eye… is he a thief or a pervert or something?  He seems scared or ashamed of himself, and because he doesn’t seem to respect himself, then I guess I don’t like him either…”.

People perform these gymnastics of the mind instantly and effortlessly — almost like an instinct.  That’s why first impressions are so darn critical… we all have sensitive antenna that (we think) allows us to identify the unsavory or undesirable personalities around us immediately.  You cannot defeat this universal character of human nature, you have to learn how to play it instead.

So here’s the pattern the typical LSM develops over time: You’ve made a sweeping, negative shame-based judgement of yourself, taught yourself to hate yourself for being this “horrible” person, and then developed a ROUTINE that runs with machine-like precision to torture yourself in the cruelest way possible.  This monster is on public display for everyone to watch it work, adding to the humiliation.

Your actions and nervousness then transmit these negative self-judgements for others to pick up upon and reflect back at you.  …But it is YOU who were originally responsible for everyone’s low regard because you were the first guy to make this judgement of yourself!

-

Now there are two basic ways to go about changing all this cyclic poor thinking in yourself — you can either seek out the kind of therapy or self-help that tries to root out the original past hurts that have molded your personality into its’ present crippled form…

Or, you can begin to look at your awkward social behaviors simply as a collection of bad mechanical habits that you’ve consistently repeated over and over to the point where you’ve become like a droid running on unconscious auto-pilot.  The task then becomes one of trying to replace these bad mechanical habits with more useful ones that advance your social status rather than tear it down into the gutter.  How to turn around a life in the process of failing in this way?  I suggest using the following resources which together probably won’t cost you more than a few bucks:

First, get yourself schooled-up on the nature of self-hatred, almost in the way that a therapist would understand it.  Learn to break the back of your own self-hate by digging out the mechanics behind it — and then learn how to become self-compassionate instead (because this is the only true answer to beating self-hatred).  Look at the top Amazon listing that I have provided for you here on this PUA Resources page:

Compassion and Self Hate
By Theodore I. Rubin, M.D.

This book is absolutely fantastic and sits on my own bookshelf here at home (as do the other two books listed below).  It will open your eyes to the insidious nature of this powerful negative mind-force.  You don’t have to be a crazy self-mutilator wielding a razor on yourself to be classified as self-hating — we actually ALL have a little bit of this issue going on within us to some degree… as you’ll be amazed to discover reading this book.  Your own may be pretty big, but it’s not insurmountable.  Compassion and Self Hate lays out concrete examples of how to identify and correct this mental problem in yourself.

Next, develop an understanding of the intricate framework of self-defeating behaviors that support all the bad habits that have come to exist exclusively to torment the “hated one” (…ah, that would be YOU!).  SDB’s are the tools through which self-hatred manifests itself in your physical reality. It’s those collection of behaviors and attitudes that creates the reality around you that matches the distorted image of who you are in your own mind.  In the case of the socially awkward of course, that would be all those behaviors that turn women off and cause them to reject us romantically!

Here’s a great book to teach yourself all about SDB’s:

Self-Defeating Behaviors
by Milton Cudney, PhD & Robert Hardy, EdD

Finally, go really deep inside your head and discover what toxic shame is all about — and especially understand the power that this vicious emotion has to quietly sneak up on your consciousness and completely take it over:

Healing the Shame that Binds You
by John Bradshaw

Whereas learning about self-hate and SDB’s can answer the question of “how”, the idea of toxic shame answers the question… “why”? This incredible book by John Bradshaw is the one seminal work of invaluable self-help that started me off on my own path to self-recovery, and I give it my highest recommendation.

All of these book recommendations that I’m making to you come from the heart and are completely non-commercial BTW (I’m not an Amazon affiliate presently).  These books are not just full of positive rah-rah bullshit either — each one offers a rational explanation for the thinking inaccuracies that have taken over your mind (and that’s actually all they are: mere thinking inaccuracies.  No need to make your problems any more amazing than that — it only gives them more power than they deserve.)

These thinking inaccuracies simply need to be 1) understood in theory, 2) identified as to how they operate specifically in your own life, and then 3) corrected by re-framing them into positive mental structures that replace the lousy thoughts that are presently filling your head.

Lots of work to chew on I know — but you’ve likely spent years cultivating the man who you presently are, and you can’t just turn it all around overnight.  Try to break this “inner work” up into manageable parts and work on little bits of it at a time in order to keep yourself from becoming over-whelmed and discouraged.  Celebrate every little victory and achievement along the way to making your own positive changes and keep yourself motivated!

Bottom Line: If you’re buying a lot of various different materials on meeting women and dating and you’re still not having any luck with most of it, then it might be worth starting farther back down the timeline and begin tackling some of these more basic fundamentals that underlie your personality, first.

My own and these other PUA materials will then begin to make a lot more sense to you once you’ve removed some of the mental blocks that could be preventing you from taking the REAL ACTIONS that you need to take in order to become more socially skilled and good at this stuff.  I’m talking about those scary things like live practice which goes beyond just reading about how to score with women.  Your courage will improve as your mind clears.

So I was reading Without Embarrassment the other day and I had a question about the ultimate orgasm you mentioned. Is it universally the kinesthetic “down and to the right” for all types of people? Or if she is for example, a visual, I should make her focus up?

Thanks!
Devon

Hi Devon,

Yes, always try to use the kinesthetic eye movement straight down as you are trying to provoke a certain receptive brainstate in her rather than trying to read a brainstate by looking at the tell-tale eye movements.  The brain-eye connection works both ways, in other words… thoughts in the brain result in an eye movement tendency, while moving the eyes in a certain way triggers the associated ‘thought’ brainwaves.  That’s the theory anyway.  Let me know how it works out for you.

Mike,

While I don’t necessarily agree with every single thing in your books, I did take away quite a bit of good stuff — and I kind of tailored a few of your ideas and techniques to my own liking.

I want to be in the game of women and sex, but I’ve kept myself away from women romantically for my entire 25 year life up to this point.  I am talking about having no kisses, no girlfriends… not even girls that are “just friends”.

Masochism, I know!

It was a combination of different things such as my twisted view on religion and the personality that people expected of me.  Anyway, I was quite successful in other areas of life and have been seeking knowledge to improve myself even further in all areas… this was my impetus to seek out and buy your books.

Now I actually outwardly project the type of person that I always have been.  I am a suave, quick-witted engineer and Renaissance Man.  I dabble in a lot of interesting things, and that gives me a ton of conversation starters with the ladies. Recently, one cutey said she was going to “make me” meet her again (said that in a flirty way, not in a crazy way).  How cool is that?

This life change is like going from black/white TV to HD… stunning!

Ryan

Hi Ryan.

Great to see that you’ve made a breakthrough in your life when it comes to women.  Here’s an insight for you and since you are a self-described and fellow Renaissance Man (we should start a club …  I expect you to investigate it further.  What you call masochism I’ve come to understand as self-hatred — and a lot of us harbor this demon in us at all various levels, many of them far below out consious radar.  And these are the most dangerous types.

Why?  Because if we don’t know they’re there, and therefore never take any action to cure them. That’s because we’re never quite enough of a mess to think that we really need any serious help.  But we do.  We may understand when someone is being and acting obviously self-destructive — drinking themselves to death, a big time drug addict, a self-mutilator that needs a stint in a mental hospital, and so on.  But our own self-destructive, self-hating behaviors are subtle and they don’t interfere with our ability to live 80-90% successful lives in many ways, and therefore we never really think of ourselves as self-hating. That’s for the crazies who pull out their hair or cut themselves with razors, right?  Not so.

In some ways these people are lucky because they are so bad that they attract enough attention that someone intevenes and gets them help.  But what about the rest of us, the “stealth” self-haters?  Is something as silly as shyness a manifestation of scary-ass self-harted?

It is.

The problem all begins when we make these Faustian bargins within our own heads where we allow ourselves success in one area of life (acedemic notariety, good health, lots of money, etc.) but then feel the perverse (self-hating) need to compensate for all of it somehow by frustrating some other area of our lives, or thwarting a great personal desire.  And if this “frustration/compensation” zone happens to land on top of your ability to create personal relationships with women, love them, have social success or even real live sex… then you end up becoming that sort of puzzling personality who seems to have tremendous success in some areas of life but is a miserable failure in others.

I was this guy for many years!

So I know all about the shame and embarrassment attached to it.  The knowledge that you have failed to match up to even the most rudimentary of expections by friends and family.  What’s going on?… this is the self-hatred mechanism at work in your deep unconsious mind, that’s what!  Don’t ask me why this shit happens, but a ton of people wrestle with their self-hating selves and have no idea of what’s going on inside their heads to cause it.

They are as much a puzzle to themselves as they are to others who care about them.

I think it basically has to do with being driven too hard by parents or peers or something else early on in our lives, until we end up taking on some of their “motivational disdain” that they developed to steer us straight (or into some other kind of mold that they had in their minds of how we “should” be)… and then reflecting this poison back on ourselves.  We’re are all victims in some way of this “Stockholm Syndrome” thing where we take up the cause of our own oppressors, and then continue to torment ourselves long after they are gone from our lives.

the way out of this trap is what I call the Double C’s: Consciousness and Compassion. First you must become self-aware of what is happening to you, what you are doing to yourself.  This is the Consciousness, or self-awareness part of the equation.  Only when you have discovered the true nature of the problem and have dragged it out into the sunlight can you begin to change it.  Then you have to learn how to exhibit the same sort of Compassion towards yourself (quit being so hard on yourself!) that you most likely extend towards most everyone else in your life.

Are you as hard on your aging parents, co-workers, casual friends, nieces and nephews as you are on YOU?  Probably not (in fact you may even over-compensate and become “too nice”, which also ruins your HSM vibe with women).  This can be a tough nut to crack and “unlearn”, but herein lies the answer.  Once you have practiced the art of self-compassion and broken the back of your own insideous self-hatred, THEN you will be able to lower the wall and accept those things into your life that haven’t been denied to you, but rtaher that you have been denying yourself all along.

If you want to read more about this subject, check out the book “Compassion and Self Hate” by Theodore Rubin.  It’s the top (Amazon) listing on this PUA Resources page.

Hi Mike,

I am primarily interested in finding one woman with whom I can have a really good relationship.  I am learning this stuff so that I can have a vast choice and not be like most of my friends that took the first woman that would be with them (they all seem so unhappy).

First some background: I have been in a bad rut since I went through a breakup about 5 years ago.  I needed a kick-start to get back into the game.  I am older now 42 and my self esteem was shot.  First I quit smoking, took up Karate, lost 30 pounds and got a good haircut.  Confidence went up but still no real luck.  Then I found “THE BOOKS” I combined some Double Your Dating System (book) and Seduction Science System and Speed Seduction stuff all together and now I am getting dates – as many as I want.

(Side Note: By the way, your stuff is the best and your “High Status Male” concept changes everything for me – it is incredible.  Scored 200 on the test but my failures were 2s and they were things that were destroying everything – thanks for showing me the truth.)

Back to my point… Anyway I still make mistakes but thats okay, I am learning.  Thing is, all these women that go out with me are interested (even when I screw up sometimes) BUT I am not always so interested in them, and that’s my problem. I want to date them, have fun and be honest with them but I do not want to hurt anyone. So, the problem is I just don’t know how to end things when I want to – especially if I sleep with them.

I was never really afraid of rejection — it doesn’t phase me, but I think that this fear of how to reject them is just as toxic.  I find myself discussing “exit clauses” (figuratively speaking) on the first date quite often.  I can’t turn them all into friends either – I just don’t have that much time.  You know how it is – once you sleep with them leaving is impossible.  So help me out with some advice please if you can and most sincerely thanks very much for the great book.

Thanks,

Sal

Hi Sal,

It sounds like you have a great deal of empathy for the feelings of women, which is great to see, but it’s also unusual.  A lot of guys are just focused on getting their own needs taken care of, so lots of women will be smitten by this endearing character trait.  This red flags you a potential heartbreaker. I can see your problem.

DO NOT however, let your concern about the emotional pain that you may have to cause in the future mess up the way that you operate with women, or keep you from taking the steps you must take in order to get what you want from them.  BOTH parties, man and woman, take an *equal* risk in the love and romance game — and if the women want to play, then they have to be willing to take a shot in the heart now and then just like the guys do.  Otherwise stay off the field of combat!

It is not YOUR job to insure that a woman will not experience any trauma from a romantic encounter with you.  As long as you remain completely honest about your intentions along the way and are not being deliberately devious, you have nothing to apologize about. If you’re being dishonest and manipulative just to get your jollies, well that’s a different story… but that doesn’t sound like you, so it’s really not an issue in your case.

If you’re up front about everything and make no promises that you know you ultimately won’t be able to keep, then you have nothing to feel ashamed about if things ultimately finish on a sour note.  That’s the risk SHE takes.  And don’t let her “guilt” you for it… that’s HER being manipulative and it’s totally unfair.

People have to be adults about failed relationships — pick up the pieces, deal with the bruised emotions and move on.  You and me didn’t make up the rules for this game — we just do our best to play it fair.  And that’s all anyone can ask for.

Hey Mike,

I’ve been loving your book, it’s really hit home on several things. I can relate to much of it and it has been invaluable.

First a little background.  I met this girl out one night and we ended up back at my place. That was February. I called her a couple of days later, then didn’t run into her until the next week on campus.  She said she had enjoyed being with me, and still had my number. (Obviously I had not been actively pursuing her, calling all the time, etc.)

Long story short, she called me that Sunday night and we hooked up again.  All good.  So she left for spring break and will be back soon.  She did call out of the blue this past week from home just to say “hi” and said that we should get together when she gets back.  Things seem to be going great so far, but I want to stay ahead of the game on this.  I can see myself wanting to revert back to some “nice guy” ways, but I know that is probably the wrong thing to do.

Here’s my question — If and when this thing develops into a relationship, what do women want and/or what do they need once they decide they want to have a relationship with you?

Barry

Hi Barry,

Thanks for your kind words about the book, I’m glad that it’s been helpful to you.

As for your situation… it seems like you’re moving along pretty good on this thing. Two phases exist at the start of relationships — pivotal to your chances — that you should keep in mind.  You have to play them sort of ‘bad cop – good cop’.  First you’re the “bad” cop (which is enticing), then your the “good” cop AFTER you reach phase 2, in order to seal the deal.

Phase One is pre-’first sex’. The balance of power shifts from girl to guy when the first episode of sex occurs.  In the beginning, (the pre-sex part of dating) the woman holds all of the power.  Either you perform the way she wants (dominant male) or you’re rejected.  The guy basically is walking a fine line between trying to keep her interested and trying NOT to piss her off or bore her so that he can get into her pants.  Problem is that she knows this all too well, AND IS TESTING THE HELL OUT OF YOU to make her decision as to whether or not to give it up to you.  That’s because she understands that once she does, the balance of power in the relationship shifts over to the guy, and stays there pretty much for good (until we marry them, then all bets are off…

You job here is to make sure that you don’t get too “pally wally” with her and end up killing the budding passion… and end up in the “friends” zone.  If this happens you’re dead… and you’ll get the “I think you’re a great guy, but we should just be friends…” brush off.  Make sure that you keep some edge and mystery about yourself, and don’t get too self-introspective — as this puts you in a bad light by revealing too many of your flaws, thus killing all the mystery.  Save all that for Phase 2 when the idea is to BOND her to you as a loyal partner and lover for good.

Phase Two is post-sex. She has felt enough trust in your character to hand over the power in the relationship by having sex with you.  She’s betting that you don’t cut and run, or suddenly undergo a change in that character.  You now have the power to disappoint her and break her heart. If you really like her and want to lay the groundwork for a healthy and fun relationship, study the section in the book about meeting her Four Primary Emotional Needs, beginning on page 204.  If you can be this kind of guy for her, your bond of love (and increasingly better sex) will grow as she comes to see you as possibly the best guy she’ll ever find.  Then you can steer her towards fulfill YOUR 4 primary emotional needs, and bingo… well, it doesn’t get any better than this.  The near-perfect relationship.  Relationships that start this way have a lot of staying power.

The tough part, and the part that only YOU can decide, is IF this is the girl that you want to go down this road with in the first place.

Hi Mike,

I just downloaded your free report “The Three Keys to Seducing Any Woman”.  Overall the Course was excellent, EXCEPT for the very last section entitled “Manage Your Horniness Instead of Letting It Manage You“. I think you made a huge error in this section!!!! I hope you rewrite the section, because it is very bad advice that flies in the face of the advice given by every book/source on seduction that I have ever studied (i.e. Ross Jeffries “Equalizer”, to state just one example, where he recommends adjusting your horniness to a minimum level when you first meet a woman).

In my opinion, the alpha male is always getting laid.  Thus, when he is out with a group of guys he will typically be the least horniest of the group (i.e.. because he is getting laid and knows he can get laid any time he wants).  Hot women pick up on this because hot women don’t want guys who are too needy.  They want a guy who is “validated” (i.e.. already getting laid by a woman).  Do you see what I’m saying?  A guy who gets laid a lot won’t be as horny as a guy who never gets laid…

A horny guy is needy.  That is a MAJOR turn off to a beautiful woman.  I chat with a beautiful woman online and I’m good friends with her (she lives too far away to pursue, so I just practice my material on her).  One of her quotes is that “it is easy to catch the eye of a horny guy”.  I memorized this quote because it spoke volumes of the mind set of a beautiful woman.  She thinks very little of the typical horny guys that she meets every day.

Watch a James Bond movie.  James Bond is NEVER horny or lusts over a woman.   He is cool.  Being horny is un-cool.

Lastly, most of my “single and looking” buddies never get laid by HOT women.  That is because they are horny and thus willing to settle for unattractive/fat women just to get their rocks off.  I WOULD never go for a unattractive/fat woman! In my opinion, taking care of the situation manually is preferable to sleeping with a woman that is not my type.

George

Hi George,

Perhaps I didn’t make it clear enough that there’s a “good” horny and a “bad” horny in the 3 Keys Mini-Course.  You do have a good point about some horny guys being too desperate to get laid.  But it’s not really their horniness that’s turning women off, it’s their emotional neediness (a major LSM red-flag).

There are actually 2 types of “sexually laid back” guys that you need to distinguish between.  The first guy is getting lots of trim.  His success makes him mellow around women because, in addition to being sexually fulfilled, he’s emotionally satisfied by his relationships with them.  This is a very attractive quality to project around other women.  However, he possesses a high motivation to chase after those women (and this is important) because he still needs their real, live, hot little bodies for his sexual fulfillment. You see, his primary motivator is SEX DRIVE, not fear… so his success with women, while making him mellow, still leaves him driven to continue meeting and mating.  He’s actually quite horny most of the time — but his horniness is based on real world interactions with women (rather than deprivation of them) and therefore it is perceived as being cool.

The 2nd guy is also mellow, but that’s because his “mega-wackin’ lifestyle” has pretty much drained away most of his sex drive, plain and simple.  He seems horny — although truthfully he’s not craving sex with real women at all (he’s too scared).  Instead, what he’s really after is emotional satisfaction, because no amount of wackin’ can provide what a real woman does for a man in this regard.  Because his sex drive is always so low, however, his primary core motivator is FEAR — and that acts to block his ability to move on real women.  This doesn’t actually matter to him though — because he only requires some really good fantasy material to fulfill his primary sexual-masturbation needs anyway, not actual flesh and blood women (although he doesn’t always realize this).  He can get this just by staying “close enough” to hot women (at school or at work, hanging out platonically with his buddy’s girlfriends, at strip clubs, etc.) to keep his porno fantasies fueled.

Low sex drive, high fear, and no need for a real woman in his life (at least not to achieve sexual fulfillment, anyway).  Hey, it’s a wonderful nerd’s life! The only thing really missing from the LSM’s universe is the emotional satisfaction provided by a real woman.  And yet this is what he soon finds himself most desperate for… but this missing element becomes a huge turnoff because the typical socially-inept behaviors that usually accompany this kind of lifestyle scream out that women are a scarcity in his life.

If he could only get rid of that damn need… why, the LSM would be in hog heaven.  But he can’t.  And the fact that he can’t is why he’s seen as being needy, and thus unattractive to women — not merely because he’s “horny”.

You don’t have to go completely celibate or anything to make this kind of fundamental change in your success with women, that would be counter-productive in the other direction.  Just trim back your “wackin’ workload” a little and begin to experience a greater surge of your positive male lifeforce.

Hi Mike,

Your new book sounds interesting, I found the first one to be very insightful and reassuring, it definitely changed the way that I thought about women.   Your insights into toxic shame were eye-opening as I have always suffered from pretty low self esteem.   I can chat-up girls and sometimes take it a bit further if I feel inspired, but usually I don’t bother because my sense of self worth just isn’t up to it.   In social situations there’s always been this nagging feeling that I’m somewhat of a pariah.

Clearly this is a vicious circle.  I seem to have uncovered some strange ways of thinking recently and so have decided just to try and like myself more.   No, I’ve never had a proper girlfriend and that is quite embarrassing at age 20, but I keep pressing on.

Take care,
Jack

Hi Jack,

Self-esteem is just a by-product created as a result of a person’s general conquest of lifes’ challenges.  You sound like you need some kind of passion in your life to give you more of a sense of purpose which can create these challenges for you.   Being on a “mission” of sorts makes you feel like you’re a connected, integral part of the world — and this is where our sense of self-esteem arises.   When I was your age, I went down to the local airport and signed up for flying lessons… something I always wanted to do. The changes this had on me were profound.   Flight training stretched my mind because it made me suddenly aware of a reserve of skills and courage that I had no idea that I’d possessed.   My self-esteem took a major boost from this self-improvement action, and I really never looked back after that.

Elevated self-esteem projects through in your attitude in ways that are impossible to fake, and it puts you squarely on the radar screens of most women. You’re at an age now where you’re balanced between boy and man — the longer you hang onto “boy” and resist taking on the challenges of being a Man, the worse you will continue to feel about yourself.   And you will not find some woman out there to “complete” you and pull you out of this funk.   This is delusional thinking.   It’s your job.

Also not having a passion makes your life seem dull and repetitious and gives you little to talk to women about that’s of any interest to them, thus creating a difficulty to reach out and connect.  Your particular passion doesn’t have to be flying an airplane of course, but start thinking about something that you need to do to kick your ass up to the next level.   The changes that it produces in YOU will create the changes you seek in your social life without having to resort to any sort of games or trickery.  These things may work in the short term, but will leave you with a “mouthful of ashes” in the end… unfulfilled with a sense that something’s missing.

We get into trouble in our lives whenever we cling to a passing phase of life (childhood, high school, up-and-coming new guy at the company, etc.) and refuse to move forward into the next phase.   But this is just lamenting unfinished business which can never be completed on that level any more.   The trick is to seek closure in a different way in the new phase.   Like emotional sharks, if we don’t keep moving forward and grow, we will die.   Not physically of course, but a death of the soul nonetheless.   So chin up and get motivated!

Hey Mike…

I have struggled with autism all my life which allows me to function academically but has limited my social skills.  The only experiences I’ve had with women were with a girl who was severely overweight and 2 others that I had met when I was hospitalized briefly with depression.   In 2003, I started having an early “midlife crisis” which has prompted me to lose 45 pounds.  I have continued and will continue to maintain the buff and lean physical condition.

My personality has changed in the past few years from being the submissive nice guy to the asshole jock type after putting up with women making remarks about me being a doormat.   I have a great amount of resentment towards women and this gets in the way of interacting with them to the point where I become cold and aloof.

My biggest torment is at the gym where not a day goes by without the sight of the twenty-somethings working out on the cardio machines.   I’ve been told that at my age they are out of my league.  However, I have talked to other guys who are about my age, and such differences did not limit their success.   Would you mind telling me what is in my league in terms of women I could realistically pursue age-wise and possibly include a couple pictures of such women that I can use as a benchmark.

Will

Hi Will,

The whole “in your league” thing is the wrong way to approach this.  No high status male wonders if he’s in any woman’s league… he lets her worry if she’s in HIS.  Your problem is not any age difference, but this resentment that you claim to have.  It’s making you send out signals that repel women by making you seem weird or possibly even dangerous to them.  What they look like means nothing and is a matter of your own personal taste, which I cannot define for you by sending you any pictures.  They are all potentially yours to go after as you see fit.

You need to act open, friendly and interesting to women in order to get on their radar.  They are the ones who select the men, and will signal their interest back to him in some way, most often with solid eye contact. Remember how I talked about charisma in the book?  It’s all about making other people feel GOOD about themselves by having encountered you.   Do you make women feel this way by complimenting and flirting with them — or are you creeping them out with a nasty glare or a refusal to make eye contact?  There’s your answer.  All of those other factors that you listed about yourself including your physical look (which is fine) never come into play if you don’t break down your barriers and begin presenting yourself in a way that fascinates at the moment of first contact. My new book gives lots of pointers about making this first impression work in your favor rather than against you.

You’ve worked to buff up physically, which helps to get you noticed… but that was the easy part.   Now you have to put all the mental mistakes of the past behind you and buff up your attitude and start making yourself seem more fun and approachable to women, or all that work will have been wasted.   Don’t let your disability or late start be an excuse — you learned electrical engineering, you can learn to do this.   Let go of the hate and the rage — it’s time to outgrow all of that junk and get busy living your life to the fullest.

Here’s another article I’ve got posted in my eLert stack about picking up women at the gym.