The High Status Male

Hello everyone, sorry I haven’t posted in a while… but I’ve been busy, busy cooking up a brand new online FREE Audio Training series that I’m sure you guys will find most useful.  Stay tuned for word on that in the coming weeks…

For now, just this quick announcement concerning the RE-release of my classic “Tome of the PUA Arts”: Without Embarrassment — which I am very pleased to be presenting to you today as a newly upgraded version… IN PRINT!

The books themselves look absolutely beautiful as expected: 6×9 glossy softcover, 300 pages and very professionally produced via Amazon.com’s CreateSpace print-on-demand system.  I’m very proud to be unveiling Without Embarrassment to the world once again in this classy format. E-books may be the future but hey, it’s nice to be able to kick back on the recliner now and then and get away from the computer with a good book!

Both Without Embarrassment and She’s Yours For The Taking are reasonably priced at $24.95 — and I set up a discount code for you to use in celebration of this mini- launch.  Simply go to my Createspace storefront…

…and type in the Discount Code: B9XALS5F at checkout to receive a 10% savings off the cover price!

(For you guys who have a One-Click already setup at Amazon and would rather buy directly through them, you can pull up the book listing right here)

(The discount code does NOT work through Amazon unfortunately.  But you’ve got both options to choose from.)

If you’d like to look over 10 or 15 pages selected at random from the e-book (which is EXACTLY the same content now as the printed book) you can read through some pages posted on the site.  Here’s the link for that (give this page a few seconds to load — these are screen-captured images off the Adobe Reader):

You may also wish to take a peek at the stack of TESTIMONIALS that have coming flying in here over the years for Without Embarrassment…

Finally, take a moment to pop back over to the main page and you’ll see that I’ve chopped the price of the 2 book Combo Pack (the e-book versions) all the way down to $27 bucks from $67 — which is a super-duper crazy Eddie type deal.  I’m now offering my 2 audio programs ‘Dealing With Your Fear of Rejection’ and ‘Kick Ass Confidence’ as separate upsell items for only an extra $10 bucks — which now gives you the option to add them to the books to create the complete “HSM Total Training Package!

Thanks again for all your great support and your inspiring words over the past decade — as always I deeply appreciate all of it!

P.S.  If you decide to order from Amazon.com please DO take a moment to come back after you’ve read the book and leave an honest review for me.  I need reviews!

The following Q&A is from today’s “Tell Me About It” syndicated column by Carolyn Hax (dated Feb. 3, 2010).  She writes mostly general relationship advice for the newspaper, but this particular one caught my eye — so I clipped it out, scanned it and I’ve added in my 2 cents at the end:

–

Dear Carolyn,

I am 29 and single.  I have a very strong mother who raised me to treat women with respect.  I was taught that women are strong, intelligent and independent.  And that women don’t need any special treatment.

When I go on dates I treat women that way.  I respect them, but I don’t offer to hold their door open, or always take my car.  I ask if they want to drive.  And I always split the check rather than pay for them.  I think it’s insulting to assume that women are fragile.

As you can imagine, I don’t get very many second dates.  And most of my female friends say I act like a jerk.  Am I a jerk? Should I change my way of thinking, or stay strong to my beliefs … and remain single?

~ B from Maine

Your mother instilled in you some valuable beliefs, but either she or you fashioned them into a needlessly blunt instrument.

Dates have nothing to do with scoring political points.  If you ask someone to dinner, you pay.  Not because your dinner companion is financially dependent upon you, but because you are the host and the pleasure of someone’s company is more than worth paying the tab.

If you get to a door first, you hold it for the next person.  Not because that person is too frail to handle the door, but because it’s the courteous thing to do.

If you are amenable to giving your companion a ride, then you offer a ride.

Note that none of these actions are gender specific.  Each is simply one person showing kindness to another… and people of all varieties appreciate kindness.   Even the strong, intelligent and independent ones.

You have female friends, so presumably you enjoy their company.  Dating women needn’t be any more complicated than your friendships.  Try being kind, not right.  See if that helps.

–

My Comments:

Well it looks like good ol’ “B from Maine’s” flinty cool New England sensibilities aren’t serving him very well in his dating life!

I actually get a lot of mail from guys like this who claim they do absolutely nothing wrong when they take women out, are perfect gentlemen to them, etc. etc. — and yet they can’t seem to get second dates most of the time.  I’m not there watching what they’re doing (but boy would I love to!) so it puzzles me as to what these men could be doing so deadly wrong.  It’s tough to guess when you’re only hearing one side of the story.

So it occurred to me while reading this piece in the paper today that some of these guys might have screwed-up internal “rules of personal conduct” which handcuff them to the point where they are genuinely unable to get a sense of how their behaviors are viewed by others.  Let’s remember that the act of Dating itself is mainly about determining what sort of personality you’re dealing with, to see if that person’s initial attractiveness will hold up after a few hours of hanging out with them.  Yes, it’s all just a big test (and BTW, it’s a test for her too!)

I’m sure it’s probably obvious to many of you how and why this guy comes off like ‘a jerk’.  But here’s his One Big Mistake in a nutshell: he’s refusing to play the game of courtship — and consequently the women red flag him as a stiff, uptight, BORING and possibly difficult personality as a result… and who the hell wants to get involved with someone like that?

Carolyn’s opening remark is profound in her observation that he’s taken a (possibly) well-meaning respect for women, taught to him by his mom, and turned it into a “blunt instrument”.  (As an aside: I often wonder what twisted motivations serve as a base for the things that our parents teach us.  Why was his “very strong mother” so intent on teaching her son to respect women at all costs anyway?  Maybe because good old dad (or the previous men in her life) routinely treated her with little or none at all? Just wondering…)  Therein lies the roots of shame transfer, but that’s more grist for a future post.

What I’m thinking in this case is that there’s an aspect of underlying anger or rage present here that’s expressing itself in this very passive-aggressive way.  Some of this could actually be anger at the controlling Mom herself, which the women that ‘B’ dates are only acting as stand-ins for… but that’s getting into speculative psychology.  I’m just trying to point out that everything in human nature is Cause-and-Effect.  None of us grows up in a vacuum.  That’s why it’s important to become self-aware and dig into your underlying motives for acting in the ways that you do.  By pulling these things out into the sunlight they will sometimes just burn up in the heat of logic and reason and go away — and then you’ve taken a significant first step in changing in your life.

Anyway, I’m sure you can see how adherence to such particular guidelines of strict personal behavior are throwing up an emotionless, distant wall between ‘B’ and his dates — when instead he should be trying to create some sort of emotional connection with them.  But that would mean having to play the courtship game of deference and charm and to act in a much different way than he describes.

Note that I said ACT… as in “being on your best behavior” — which simply means that you present yourself in a way that’s better than ordinary for the purpose of making a good impression on someone.  You would no more act your usual nasty old self on a date than you would on a job interview, right?  Unless of course you secretly wanted to sabotage the interview and NOT get the job (or the second date for that matter) so you could stay home on unemployment and keep torturing mother?  I’m just saying…

‘B’s refusal to act in ways that would endear him to his date have motivations that could be variously described as stubborn, self-hating, “logical” or any number of other ‘good reasons’.  But mainly, highly structured behavior also screams out another word to me: FEAR.  People who have a need to control and micro-manage every little thing about themselves and their environment have a huge fear of the unknown or of having things slip out of their control.  Part of ‘B’s motivation for acting as he does on these dates could have something to do with ‘control-freak anxieties’.  Again, without being able to sit down with this guy and pick his brain all we can do is speculate, but it’s certainly another possibility.

This sort of thing is more like a bad habit than a personality disorder, but it can screw you up in countless little ways regardless, as you see here.  Self-Awareness friends, self-awareness!

More Topic-Relevant Information:

What kind of advice do you have for guys like me who are about to graduate college and enter the working world, but only just recently began improving their relations towards girls?

Barry

Hi Barry,

Thanks for writing.  Well, I don’t know if you’ve read any of my materials but you ask a very broad question that I address in various different ways in my books and audios, so I wouldn’t know where to begin trying to synopsize all that down into a simple bit of magical advice that I can give you.

One thing that I think you may have overlooked in all this agonizing though is motivation.  And I don’t just mean motivation to chase after women, but a motivation to do all those scary and potentially painful things that you must do (such as face down your fears, actually approach women and not just dream about it, etc.) in order to make serious changes in your life.

There’s no painless way to catch up once you’ve fallen behind the average person in terms of romantic skills — there will be embarrassment and bad emotions to experience and push through as you stumble and bumble your way to eventual competence.  It’s like anything else that you’ve been studying at school.

Here’s the one big thing to remember: the longer that you wait to tackle the chore of learning these skills the more embarrassing and difficult it will be to swallow the inevitable flubs that you will surely make along the way.  That’s because we naturally assume a greater level of romantic and social skill in people as they age, and when this experience is missing it diminishes us greatly.  The awkward romantic mistakes made at 16 may be laughable and expected — but those same mistakes made at 36 are sad and can sometimes even seem tragic.  So DO get to work facing down your fears and get this stuff handled — those fears won’t always self-correct, as a lot of people think they will.

Get yourself motivated to run that gauntlet of fear and fuck-ups!

Finally, you should understand that the “23 year old virgin” thing does actually leave an invisible stink on you that many women can actually sense before you even say anything to them — and this often ruins your chances to make a powerful, high status male impression right off the bat.  In this ” virgin mode” you’re always fighting an uphill battle again a nasty bad vibe that you’re sending out ahead of yourself… making the task of hooking up far more difficult than it should be.

I would therefore make the somewhat radical suggestion to you that you get yourself an escort or a hooker or something and just get laid already. Just be done with this whole virginity deal!  The longer you wait the more you end up over-thinking the whole thing until you’re completely locked-up on the issue. Hiring a courtesan is actually a time-honored way for a boy to become a man, and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  Just keep it all on the down low if you want to and no one will ever have to know your business.  (Although maybe some of your frat bro’s could help hook you up?… if it wouldn’t destroy your rep with them to even ask such a thing?)

The important thing is to just get the stink of pussy ON you and get that virgin stench OFF you! Then you will experience a more natural shift in your attitude that will be far more attractive to women and give you a real shot with them.  Don’t get yourself all tangled up worrying about the “right way” to lose your virginity –  women obsess about that sort of shit (some of them, anyway).  Guys just need to get the V label off them and move on.  Hope this gets you thinking and ultimately motivated to begin staring down your fears.

Hey Mike,

I’ve been loving your book, it’s really hit home on several things. I can relate to much of it and it has been invaluable.

First a little background.  I met this girl out one night and we ended up back at my place. That was February. I called her a couple of days later, then didn’t run into her until the next week on campus.  She said she had enjoyed being with me, and still had my number. (Obviously I had not been actively pursuing her, calling all the time, etc.)

Long story short, she called me that Sunday night and we hooked up again.  All good.  So she left for spring break and will be back soon.  She did call out of the blue this past week from home just to say “hi” and said that we should get together when she gets back.  Things seem to be going great so far, but I want to stay ahead of the game on this.  I can see myself wanting to revert back to some “nice guy” ways, but I know that is probably the wrong thing to do.

Here’s my question — If and when this thing develops into a relationship, what do women want and/or what do they need once they decide they want to have a relationship with you?

Barry

Hi Barry,

Thanks for your kind words about the book, I’m glad that it’s been helpful to you.

As for your situation… it seems like you’re moving along pretty good on this thing. Two phases exist at the start of relationships — pivotal to your chances — that you should keep in mind.  You have to play them sort of ‘bad cop – good cop’.  First you’re the “bad” cop (which is enticing), then your the “good” cop AFTER you reach phase 2, in order to seal the deal.

Phase One is pre-’first sex’. The balance of power shifts from girl to guy when the first episode of sex occurs.  In the beginning, (the pre-sex part of dating) the woman holds all of the power.  Either you perform the way she wants (dominant male) or you’re rejected.  The guy basically is walking a fine line between trying to keep her interested and trying NOT to piss her off or bore her so that he can get into her pants.  Problem is that she knows this all too well, AND IS TESTING THE HELL OUT OF YOU to make her decision as to whether or not to give it up to you.  That’s because she understands that once she does, the balance of power in the relationship shifts over to the guy, and stays there pretty much for good (until we marry them, then all bets are off…

You job here is to make sure that you don’t get too “pally wally” with her and end up killing the budding passion… and end up in the “friends” zone.  If this happens you’re dead… and you’ll get the “I think you’re a great guy, but we should just be friends…” brush off.  Make sure that you keep some edge and mystery about yourself, and don’t get too self-introspective — as this puts you in a bad light by revealing too many of your flaws, thus killing all the mystery.  Save all that for Phase 2 when the idea is to BOND her to you as a loyal partner and lover for good.

Phase Two is post-sex. She has felt enough trust in your character to hand over the power in the relationship by having sex with you.  She’s betting that you don’t cut and run, or suddenly undergo a change in that character.  You now have the power to disappoint her and break her heart. If you really like her and want to lay the groundwork for a healthy and fun relationship, study the section in the book about meeting her Four Primary Emotional Needs, beginning on page 204.  If you can be this kind of guy for her, your bond of love (and increasingly better sex) will grow as she comes to see you as possibly the best guy she’ll ever find.  Then you can steer her towards fulfill YOUR 4 primary emotional needs, and bingo… well, it doesn’t get any better than this.  The near-perfect relationship.  Relationships that start this way have a lot of staying power.

The tough part, and the part that only YOU can decide, is IF this is the girl that you want to go down this road with in the first place.

Hello Mike,

Here are a few questions for you that I have been contemplating about my social life:

1. I’m recently divorced.  When a woman asks me why my marriage failed, what is a good answer?  My answer is that my wife and I simply grew apart and we needed to find new partners that were more compatible with our interests and life goals.  That’s the truth, but is that a good answer?

2. What do I say if she asks if I am dating other women?  How do I nicely say yes, I am?  Will that be a turn-off to her that I am dating other women, or will that entice her to be more interested and enter her female competition mode?

Paul

Hi Paul,

Here’s what I think:

1) This is a good answer, just don’t bring it up at all unless she does, and then don’t dwell on it. Change the subject and move on.  Bitching about ex’s is a major turnoff for both sexes.

2) DO let her know that you’re dating around.  This makes you seem valuable (people only want what they can’t have).  Just don’t brag or seem too proud of it.  Slip it into the conversation sideways… be vague about the whole thing and coy.  But make sure she doesn’t suspect that you’re married ( ! ) and trying to cover it up.  Split the difference between evasiveness and boasting.

Your best move is to AVOID talking about this sort of crap at all if you can, or just briefly breeze over it if you must.  Stay focused on the present activity you’re doing with her, and don’t get into mutual analysis of each other’s dating history.  What’s the point?  It’s all water under the bridge anyway.

Well I’ve got my latest video production finished after a surprising amount of work, several weeks worth actually.  This project definitely grew more complex as it went along and the final product ended up being longer than I’d originally imagined it would be.  I guess it will probably exceed the attention span of a lot of folks (especially on YouTube, which is what it was intended for), but I wanted to talk about each of the books a bit and give you a sense of the philosophy that went into them, so it is what it is.

I had a lot of fun with the music mixing and stringing all the clips together, a nice break from writing all the time.

And as your extra special treat the Wizard himself steps out from behind the curtain and gives a brief hello and goodbye at either end! 

As always I would appreciate your comments.

(If the video doesn’t display or play correctly, you can watch it directly from YouTube here)

Hey, I’m finally moving into the scary brave new world of video! I’ve been playing around with this new technology a little bit… always late and behind the curve as usual.  So I made up a little 3 minute test vid — it’s just a small article about being friends with women that I basically just read the voiceover to while a series of still photos drift along through the screen.  I just wanted to see how the software worked and I ended up having some fun with the pan and zoom feature.  This gives apparent motion to a still (boring) image and makes it look more professional.  (I used to be a photolab tech and still enjoy working with images.)

Anyway, here’s the video:

Kind of silly I guess in terms of content, but for just screwing around I’m pretty proud of it!   

It actually took some doing to figure out how best to make those titles — the text editor is a bit clunky — but I got a usable result that you can at least read.  You’ve really got to have patience putting these things together and be willing to wait for the software to render as it goes along.  If you try to stack up too many tasks the computer just locks up and forget it.  You’re really running the ol CPU at full throttle.  Fun stuff.   More to come soon…

Comments, comments please!!!…

(If the video doesn’t display or play correctly, you can watch it directly from YouTube here)

Hi Mike,

I am 30 years old and attending my first speed dating event in mid-March.  Any advice, tips, etc. on what to say to spark an attraction and make a great first impression with a woman, given the limited time available.  Thanks a bunch,

Dave

Dave,

I never went to one of these events, but if I did I think I’d take a chance on NOT taking the whole thing too seriously.  I would try to play it like a bit of a character, and just flirt and tease around with each girl during my entire time allotment.   I figure this has got to better than just sitting there trading name-rank-and serial number with each one… just like every other guy will likely be doing.  Boring! Serve up clever little teasing answers to her standard “what do you do” kind of questions and all that sort of BS — be playfully evasive, and make sure to do a ton of “flirting with your eyes”.

This will make you stand out from the mass of boring nervous guys trying to make it sound like they still don’t live at home with their mom when she asks.   I’ll bet that more than a few of the chicks will mark you down for further “investigation”.   I guess this is how the rules work anyway.   And why not?… at least you showed that you had a brain in your head and that you weren’t too nervous and desperate to goof around a bit.

It’s also a great way for you to screen out all the stiffs who can’t take a joke AND the mental lightweights who don’t get what you’re doing.  They set these things up so that the guy is giving an audition.   Screw that, turn it around on them!

Hi Mike,

When talking to a girl for the first time just after having approached her, I want to find out if she is:

1 ADVENTUROUS
2 SPONTANEOUS
3 STRONG (MENTALLY)
4 UP FOR A CHALLENGE
5 HAS GOOD WIT
6 SOPHISTICATED
7 AN OPTIMIST
8 NOT AFRAID TO TAKE CHANCES

Those are my primary personality wishes/requirements that I look for in a girl.  I don’t want to waste my time on girls who cannot fulfill those requirements, hence I want to sort out who’s who within minutes of first approach.  The main problem is, that you cannot judge people by what they are saying, but only by what they are doing – and that is a problem when talking to people.

As an example: I would like to be able to throw some tests at a chick while talking to her. As we all know, girls are testing boys all the time.  Girls are probably not used to being tested, but I want to change all that.  So I would like to have some smart phrases ready to test whether a girl is go or no go.

Jerry

Hi Jerry,

Wow… what you’re asking for is really the holy grail of human communication: how to divine someone’s true feelings and character by cutting through the bullshit and revealing their persona instantly using words alone.  If we could figure out this trick, the ability would have far more use in finance and politics than it would simply picking up women!

To do the things you want you absolutely do need to see people in action – because that’s where they reveal themselves. And in courting, that’s what dating is for.

Yeah I know, it’s not fast enough if you’re impatient, but life doesn’t work like a video game.  It takes risks, effort, discipline to see a job through to the end, and unfortunately… some time invested.  There is a way to accelerate this process somewhat though — skip the dull dinner-and-movie date.  I always recommend an ACTION date as the first date because it’s better than sitting around yapping (which is also a good way to get yourself in trouble by over-revealing too much mundane junk about yourself that places you in a bad light. It busts your mystery factor…).

In your case this is ideal because If you’ve got an interesting girl on the hook, then robust “action” dating is the way to smoke out those important qualities that you listed.  For instance, when you take her out on the first date, pull a switch.  Tell her you’re going to be doing one thing, then when you’ve got her in the car, say you’ve changed plans and are going to take her someplace entirely different.  This will test her for spontaneity, right? Does she take up the spirit of adventure with you, or go into a pout?   There’s your answer to questions 1, 2, 4 & 7 from your list.  Take her someplace like snowboarding or hiking, a good test for adventure.   Does she love it or complain because she’d rather be sitting on her ass at a movie?

You’ll never really find any of this out about anyone for sure unless you put them to these sorts of reality tests for those characteristics that are important to you.  Tests performed by DOING, not talking.  Dating is this time-honored testing process for you.  You have to use your head when you’re doing this stuff, woman are an intellectual challenge.

As you point out, people can lie and tell you anything they think you may want to hear — and they can do this no matter how cleverly you think you can sneak the truth out of them by using tricky phases.  Women test men by tricking them into displays of honesty / dishonesty, or courage / cowardice.  This is different than the tests you are thinking about doing, which are tests of temperament and demeanor and require action to expose.

Hey mike,

I am about to get a little emotional in this letter, so please bear with me.   In my last mail, I told you that this former student of mine and I were supposed to go out on a coffee date this Saturday (i.e. today).   So I SMS her this Saturday morning to remind her about the date.   And when she replied (in SMS as well), she said that she won’t be able to make it due to some interview she had to attend.   This, of course, did not sit well with me.   As you could probably imagine, I was fuming with anger and disappointment when I read her reply.   I just felt like I wanna smash my TV and throw it against the f***ing wall !

So I just sat there and let my anger run its course until I cooled down a little bit before I SMS her a reply.   I told her that she better come up with something really good when she wants to make it up with me.   I also told her to call me back when she wants to go out for the date and wished her good luck in her interview.   Of course, the message was written in a teasing and HSM manner.

Now, Mike, after I sent her a SMS reply, I made a promise to myself and I want to let you know it as well: If this girl were to cancel a date with me for a second time in a row, I’m gonna just blow her off so fucking hard that she’s gonna fly out of her window and break her legs (figuratively or literally, I don’t give a horseshit)!!!   I don’t care whether she’s a hottie or a fucking playboy centerfold model, I’m just gonna do what a man is about to do for the first time in 6000 years of human history: CUT HER LOOSE!!   And if I had to beat my meat for the rest of my life after that, then so be it!

OK, Mike, now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’d still like some of your advice about how to deal with this situation, assuming she doesn’t cancel her order for the second time.

Here are my observations about her and our interactions:

a) She is never the one to initiate a call or an SMS message (of course, that would mean it’s my job to start the thing).   However, she does reply every one of my calls and SMS message enthusiastically and has never ignored me.   Is there anything here that I should worry about?

b) She is nice and friendly person (not to mention that she’s also quite a hottie).   But she likes to call herself stupid sometimes (in a half-joking & half-serious tone).   Personally I don’t think she is dumb but just rather lazy when it comes to her studies.   She has also failed her college course (in which I was one of her teachers) and is repeating the course at another college for the SECOND time.   I am just kinda worried in the back of my little head that she could be a burden to me down the road someday.   What’s your advice, mike?   Should I just do my best to encourage her in her studies or what?

Thanks again in advance for your advice.

Jack

Hi Jack,

Sheesh!… Take a chill-pill there dude and go easy on the furniture.  As a long time Buffalo Bills fan I know all about wanting to smash my TV against a wall, but trust me this is not the end of the world despite the fact that I think you’ve probably lost your shot with this girl.   Nothing she’s doing here indicates that she has any serious interest in you, not from the way you’re painting this picture to me.   She got under your skin and has taken over the power position in this “relationship” as well.

You’ve got to stop with all this ridiculous sms’ing, because you’re beginning to seem like you’re chasing after her way too hard.   All this remote communication stuff ruins your male mystery with women because it suggests that she’s always on your mind and that you have nothing better to do with your time than fret over her.   This is NOT HSM-type behavior.   Even if you think that the things you are SAYING to her might be HSM in content, the ACT of doing this kind of hi-tech skirt chasing communicates just the opposite impression to her. There’s a thin line between going after what you want as a Man and flat-out obsession.   Always remember to exercise balance in all your dealings with women.   Infatuation is scary to them.

I’m also wondering what the age difference is between the two of you, since you mention that she’s a former student of yours?   She could be getting scared off by the whole age disparity.   Something sure has turned her passions off.   I think she views this whole thing as little more than an ego trip for her now (older guy, ex-teacher chasing her…) and is just playing around with you for her own entertainment.   The fact that she never calls you is a big red flag.   You are NOT on her mind the way that SHE seems to be on yours.   Not good.

I think you cool her off for awhile (1-2 weeks) and then maybe see if you can get one last get-together set up with her.   Try to make it a spontaneous hook-up (quick lunch in an hour) because she’s ejecting on all these formal setup attempts that you’ve been trying to make, and you can’t give her so much time to lose her nerve (if that’s indeed what’s happening).   Then, IN PERSON (not on the SMS or phone!), lay out all your cards and find out what the hell the deal is with her.   Make her tell you to your face, no hiding behind the cell phone. Better she just rejects you and you settle things and move on rather than go nuts and start tearing your apartment to shreds over her.   Your game with other women will suffer until you process this deal in your head and resolve it for good.

Teacher gets taken to school by the hot student body.   You, my friend, have fallen victim to the Power of Pussy.   A valuable lesson.   Retain the data, dump the emotion.

What sorts of questions are good ways to introduce rapport and romance?   I’ve asked girls out on coffee dates, but once I go out on the date I can’t really seem to build any emotional connection.   First, it’s hard to find a good opportunity to touch her, especially if we are seated across from each other at a table at a coffee shop.   Should I try to touch her before we sit down, or should I be taking my dates someplace else, or what?   Second, I have a hard time steering conversations toward subjects that could build an intimate connection.   Should the first kiss come during a lull in the conversation, at the end of the night, or what?   Do you really think I’ll know when the moment for a first kiss arrives?

Thank you for any advice you might have, your book is much better than the others on the net!

Gary

Hi Gary,

What you want to do is get her talking about things that she can feel an emotional connection to… past events that are significant to her, hopes & dreams, happy recollections — instead of just topical events like “did you see the latest movie”, or whatever.   And then you must do the same in response. As an example, suppose the topic meanders around to something about the good times you both used to have growing up.   Ask her what it felt like when she got her first hit in the girls softball league, or who showed her how to fly a kite for the first time… her dad maybe?   Share old memories like this together and try to evoke warm feelings — it’s the intimacy of the emotions that will get the bonding process started, which will get her thinking about you when she’s all alone as a potential lover and not merely friend material.

You can always find a moment to touch her — even just touching the small of her back as you’re leading her through a door or helping her on with her coat can be enough.   Make sure to keep good eye contact while doing it so that she picks up on the underlying non-verbal statement you’re making (it’s the deep look that communicates your desires).   Another great move is to fondle a necklace charm she’s wearing and compliment her on it, or ask her what significance it has to her, or what it means if the charm is some odd symbol or something.   This gets you standing face-to-face with her and invading her personal space just a little — solid eye contact here can tell the whole story without a word.

You’ll always know when that first kiss moment is at hand… the two of you are close and she’s staring into your eyes, waiting for it.   Her eyes may even close slightly and she may tilt her head back ever so delicately in anticipation.   Do it at the climax of any close moment that the two of you share, not necessarily at the end of the evening.   That tends to put expectancy pressure on and ruins it.   The spontaneity is what excites her and gets those deeply hidden urges in her stirred to life.

Romantic talk differs from normal on-the-surface bullshit talk because it always attempts to draw up deeper feelings that hold some positive fondness for the both of you sort of as it’s “hidden” motive.   You then escalate upwards along from the first kiss > heavy kissing/petting > and eventually sex.

Hi Mike

There is this restaurant that I frequent twice a week for coffee.  There is a waitress that really caught my eye.  Now I remembered what your book said about playing it cool.  Don’t try to rush into anything.  So I took your advice further and noticed an article that she was wearing.  It was a nice bracelet.  I commented on it, and she seemed quite flattered and explained that she had just gotten back from Cuba and bought it there.

The guy who was with me is my boss.  He has known me for several years and commented on how far I’ve come since he’s known me.  He said I would never have started a conversation with a girl like that in the past!

Another time when we were in there, she came over to clear some tables and asked me what time I was finished with work.  No girl has ever done that before!  I told her 3:30.  Then I asked her what time she got off and she said around 2:00.  Now tell me something Mike, would that have been a good time to have taken it further and try for a date?  I didn’t know what else to say.  I just kind of sat there feeling stupid.

Of course your book states to give her a little mystery.  So I didn’t feel too bad about it.  Another time we were in there, I was paying her and we got into another conversation, she seemed very interested in talking to me.  I still didn’t do anything though, I just let the conversation flow.  Well, I didn’t see her for several weeks but then again, isn’t that a good thing?  Give her some breathing room?

However, after those several weeks passed, I saw her again in the restaurant and something had changed.  I didn’t seem to have an opportunity to talk with her, and when I did talk to her she didn’t seem to want to keep the conversation going.  Like she was avoiding me.  I’m thinking, maybe I should have asked her out that first time I seemed to have had a chance?

Sam

Hi Sam,

Dammit you were going along great with this girl but then you failed to follow through… YOU FAILED TO ESCALATE! Remember what I talked about in the book?  A seduction moves through stages… flirting, showing interest, trading some basic info to see how compatible you both are (common interests, etc.).  THEN you have to ask her out for a lunch or coffee date and begin to establish your romantic interest in her.  At each step along the way, one phase runs it’s course and then you have to escalate to the next one… or the girl loses interest in you (because she thinks you’re really not interested in her — she thinks you’re just fucking around with her head and gets pissed or is saddened, whatever) and she goes cold.  Been there, done that.

Other times however, you need to short circuit this entire process and skip ahead a few steps depending upon the signals that the girl sends your way. Remember it’s the women that do the real choosing in the mating game — as a man you must learn to react swiftly when they do, or the seduction will run out of energy fast.  You have to stay light on your feet and alert for your opportunities to move.  If you over think all is lost.

This chance is gone now. NEXT TIME, don’t give into your fear and just casually ask her out.  That should’ve been the next logical step in your ongoing exchanges with her.  The signals were all GO but your fear blocked you.  You might still be ashamed to make this transition and reveal your need for the affection of a woman, choosing to hide behind your aloofness instead.  There is a shame/fear issue here.  Read the book again about that and get John Bradshaw’s book that I recommend, it will help you immensely.

Dear Mike,

I am a junior in high school and my problem is that I want this 1 girl but I can’t get anywhere with her.  I need a lot of help getting this girl because she is in 10th grade but likes 12th graders.  Please help me out.  I’ve been turned down 4 times already and she is more important to me than anyone I know.  I get shy and nervous around her, and I usually don’t think of anything to say, and so we don’t talk.  She is a great girl and has a great personality.  One of my friends recently asked her out and said he had the same problem with her, that she is hard to talk to.  I want to score with her and as you can see I’m pretty desperate.  I’ve been turned down 4-5 straight times and I still haven’t found my mistake.  She is the nicest, hottest, bestest person I have ever met, and scoring with her will be like a life achievement for me… better than the SATs or anything like that.

PLEASE E-MAIL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE — I WANT TO BECOME GOOD FRIENDS WITH THIS HOT CHICK AND ASK HER OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

(anonymous)

Hi buddy,

I don’t really feel comfortable giving out “seduction” advice to teens and minors, but I’ll tell you something about getting through the social minefield of high school that I sure wish I would’ve known back then.  The worst thing that you can do to yourself is get all caught up obsessing over one girl to the point where you exclude whatever good opportunities you might have to date some OTHER girls in the meantime… even if you feel that they’re not your one-and-only “type”.  I made this very deadly years-long, ongoing mistake when I was your age and it nearly ruined me. Because I couldn’t be “bothered” with anyone other than this one girl who I chased after for years (but who didn’t like me and wouldn’t go out with me) I missed out on what was REALLY important to accomplish during these HS years… namely, to get some experience dating real girls, and not just hang around dreaming about it!

If you remain on this path of stubborn obsession you will pay the price of complete social ineptitude by the time you reach your 20’s and you will find yourself clueless as to how to deal with women in a romantic way.  Trust me… been there done that.  How do you think I became this great “social coward” in the first place?  Plain and simply, if this girl doesn’t like you then the hell with her, move on.

No relationship that you will ever have in high school has any staying power anyway — almost no one gets married to their high school sweetheart anymore, and the few that do are crawling the walls with misery by the time they’re 25 due to massive regret from having missed out on all those chances they could’ve had with other people!  The important thing you need to focus on at this phase of your life is genuine social interaction and having real experiences, not some foolish obsession with one supposed “dream” girl.  It’s all about just getting practice right now!

Then, when you hit your 20’s and the truly important dealings with women begin to present themselves in your life, you’ll at least be somewhat prepared to enter into the fray and not find yourself embarrassed about your total and complete lack of knowledge on the subject.  Eventually you’ll either get caught up lying to everyone about your barren social life (including yourself), or simply sink into complete social withdrawal.

If I could hop into a supercharged Delorian and go back in Time to visit my stupid 17-year-old self, this is the lecture that I would’ve tried to pound into my own thick skull. Take care.

Hey thanks a lot for the book, I read it in like 4 or 5 days.  First a little background info. I’m dating this girl named Coral.  She was the one to come on to me when we first met.  I ate her out once, but we haven’t had sex yet.  I knew her for several months before we began dating, but I didn’t do anything because I was involved with another girl at the time.

My question is… now what?  Don’t get me wrong man — everything is going along very smoothly.  I just wanted to know what a pro like yourself would do in such a situation.

Oh yea one more thing.  She isn’t really interested in anything.  I write music, lift weights and play football to name a few of my hobbies.  She just doesn’t do anything that I can show an interest in, besides getting high (something we both enjoy doing).  I would be very interested to learn your thoughts on the matter.  Thanks Again Bro.

Lata,
Mark

Hey Mark,

I got a laugh out of your letter.  Sounds like a real party chick got caught in your spider web.  You make her sound like she’s not much good for anything other than toking and fucking, so you might as well just bang her till you get tired of it.  That’s what I would do.

You say you don’t have much in common right now, but that could change later on.  Lots of relationships are built on shallow ground initially, and since you both like to screw and smoke up, well hell… you already have something you both like to do!

Don’t worry about what the dating and relationship books say about having to have all these “matching interests” in order to have a chance with someone — just go with your instincts.  This thing could go either way — you might get bored and have to cut her loose, or she might grow on you.  I ended up with a chick like this off of a one-night stand, and it lasted for 4 years.  Eventual broken hearts and all.

Keep an open mind and have fun.  This is what it’s all about.

Dear Mike,

I do have one question which seems to be avoided by dating Gurus, and I’d like to hear your view on it, that being interracial dating.  I’m a 23 year old black man who lives in a predominantly white neighborhood, goes to a predominantly white school, and has mostly white friends.  The problem is that as far as we seem to have come with race relations in our culture, interracial dating (especially between black men and white women) seems to still be somewhat discouraged.

There have been plenty of times when my friends and I hangout with girls that they know, but those girls seem less open to me than they do to the other guys and I think race plays a factor in it.  They may be afraid of what their friends might think.

My question is, what is your insight on this and is there anyway to make them more accepting?

Jeremy

Hi Jeremy,

I don’t know if I’m qualified to give an educated opinion about interracial dating in a philosophical sense, but I have a few thoughts about YOUR particular situation that I’d like to share with you.

Be mindful that you always hurt your game by wearing your past failures with women like a baggy old coat.  You “wear” them, of course, in the attitude that you project about yourself.  The past difficulties that you’ve had trying to date cross-race might be making you less effective now, by giving you pause whenever you try to act.  Your confidence is down.  This might also be intensified because of the social situation that you find yourself in.  The way you describe it, you sound a bit like a fish out of water… surrounded by whites where you live & work, go to school etc.

Hell it’s COOL to be black today.  Blacks drive popular culture in the U.S. to a great degree.  Despite the fact that it’s easier than ever before in history for a black guy to date across racial lines, I think you might be feeling somewhat isolated and alienated in the specific social universe that you find yourself in.  I suspect that you’ve got yourself into a frame of mind where you might be feeling somewhat ashamed of your race (maybe only unconsciously of course, but that’s even WORSE…) and now it’s beginning to show through in your attitude (LSM alert!).

Being the only black guy in the crowd you run with has made you more self-conscious of your race than you otherwise would be .  And self-consciousness my friend, is the foundation of shyness.  The shy are always self-conscious, often painfully so.

What you need to do is embrace your heritage and act more proudly of it.  Remember what I said about expectations… EXPECT that women will respond to you positively, and before you know it, they will.  That’s because people are basically empty vessels that feed off of the cues they get from others around them. If you act like you have some reason not to be proud of yourself, they’ll be happy to join in and support the lousy self-image that you’re projecting.  Conversely, if you project the opposite attitude, one of power and strength…

Bottom line is that your race is unimportant socially.  What you BELIEVE about it is, however, crucial.