The High Status Male

This is a question and answer exchange that I just had with one of my readers. It began as a question about traveling alone and turned into a screed on the topic of self-hatred, which I have come to believe over the years to be a much bigger issue with guys seeking solutions for things like shyness and social dysfunction than many of us realize. To wit:

Hey Mike,

I’ve had some stuff twirling around in my head lately that I wanted to bounce off of you, having recently just turned 40. I’m single again, having just broke up with my girlfriend (my decision). Not easy to do as she was a great girl, but I just seem to get bored in relationships like you. Also like you, I got a late start in life on bedding women. Anyway. my question is a lifestyle type query.

I’m interested in your take on how a single guy should go about traveling and vacationing on his own.

This is becoming a real dilemma for me, being single at my age. Not a lot of unmarried, single friends left to hang around with anymore. Last year I went by myself to the Dominican Republic — not to a resort but to a town where all the girls are “pros” if you know what I mean. It was amazing what an ego boost it was… you’d of thunk that I was Brad Pitt or something! LOL…

Don’t get me wrong, I realize that I’m only desirable in that type of situation because I’m perceived as having some sort of relative wealth — a form of being an HSM I suppose. However, I seem to have a little bit of an issue with feeling like a loser doing this sort of thing… like a guy who can’t get an ordinary American woman and so ultimately has to pay for it. I know that some guys swear by this lifestyle and insist that some of these foreign women are much more sensuous and feminine than their spoiled American counterparts. I don’t know…

Are these guys on to something, or are we all just acting like misogynistic LSM’s who can’t score American chicks?

I’ve thought about learning Spanish and maybe moving to Buenos Aires. Those Argentine women are hot! Sounds adventurous I know, but I guess when I get to the bottom of it, I wonder if this isn’t me just running away from my problems of low status and my inability to score lots of women here in the good ole U.S. of A?

Do you think I should I stick it out and try to achieve what ever status I can here at home, or is it okay to try and be a bigger fish in a smaller pond? I’d love to hear your take on this idea, I know it’s not your specialty per se but I do value your perspective. Thanks again for your time!

Sincerely,
Mark

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Hey Mark,

Good to hear from you again. About 3 years ago I went to Las Vegas for 5 days by myself and I didn’t find that NOT having a companion with me was any sort of big detriment — except maybe for going to certain sit-down type of restaurants where you might feel odd dining alone. You know how it is, certain activities you can do by yourself and others are “couple” things that will make you feel uncomfortable. That’s your only practical restriction really, and there are plenty of fast food joints where you can dine alone with a newspaper. Other than that I was fine seeing the sights, gambling, etc… all by myself.

Then again… certain activities are better done alone, WITHOUT the ‘ole girlfriend tagging along. Things such as…

Well, I visited one of the nearby legal cathouses just outside Vegas on this trip because I always wanted to see what they were like. The experience was pretty surrealistic in fact… however, a fun (but WAY too expensive…) time was had by all, especially me! And so what? Did I break some kind of sacrosanct “HSM code” by paying for sex? And who cares if I did anyway?

This is the EXACT sort of attitude shift that you too will need to achieve in order to ultimately address your own internal doubts about this issue.

I believe that we accumulate an unwieldy library of these stupid, self-created “internal rules” over the course of a lifetime that eventually bind us up in a kind of mental strait jacket. Soon we can’t even conceive of doing anything the simple way anymore without feeling guilty about it. Why?… because we “broke the rules”! The precious rules… the rules that exist only within our own thick skulls.

Well I’ve found this network of rules to actually be a form of very subtle and sly self-hatred. Don’t ask me why we do this to ourselves — but the sooner you can recognize and chuck all this crap from your head the sooner you will become free to just let go and follow your heart wherever it may want to take you. And that’s the real goal that you want to always be pursuing relentless in life, the goal of mental freedom.

Case in point about your desire to seek out women who might be vastly more easier to relate to than the typical ball-busting, judgmental American bitch… the delightful product of 50 years of feminism. Certainly not like the girls dear old dad used to marry, that’s for sure… fresh out of high school with all that good home-ec training (cooking, baking, cleaning, housework). That right, they used to TRAIN women in high school how to be good supportive wives who graded their own self-worth by how well they treated their husbands! Even suggesting that this sort of thing might be anything less than total domestic-slavery-brainwashing will get you a swift kick in the balls nowadays, you MFn’ pig!

You now desire to chuck this nasty USA scene and go looking for more “agreeable” women elsewhere, but your self-hating side quickly steps in and says: “hey forget it, that’s cheating…. you have to try and meet women in the toughest environment possible or it doesn’t count.”

See, that’s the central tenet and mode of operation of self-hatred: you must do everything the hardest way possible or it doesn’t count. Note that other (lesser human) people can choose to take the easy way out and that’s okay… but not YOU — you have to take the hardest route because you’re special… you’re superhuman. That’s the Disabled Ego at work…

…Special tough rules define the special “tough” guy.

There’s a great book to read that dives deep into this psychological phenomenon, it’s called Compassion and Self-Hate: An Alternative to Despair by Theodore I. Rubin. What we call “cheating” is in fact what a therapist knowledgeable in the mechanics of self hatred would call compassion.

Compassion?

For a moment, just consider that entire galaxy of nasty internal rules that hold you back — would you ever force them upon someone else? Someone you loved, like a son perhaps? No way! See how with others we feel free to express our compassion? But don’t go looking for any such free passes inside your own head for yourself. Cheater!

Another example: I grew up Catholic, but my own self-hatred forced me to become an atheist for awhile because (I now understand) that faith is a form of compassion for oneself — and of course such a thing is flat-out cheating because it violates The Big Mike Self-Hate Rule: that you can only believe what’s demonstrable scientifically no matter how much it brings you down emotionally.

Logic is king, emotions are irrelevant (only superhuman rules apply to me, remember), and bending logic to assuage emotions is a crime against nature. Only overgrown babies (SUB-human’s) run around expressing their faith you see, because they aren’t strong enough mentally (like super me!) to face the scary facts of random existence and postmortem non-existence without anything to comfort them. It doesn’t matter how you feel (emotions are irrelevant), you are a prisoner of the facts of the Universe as they reveal themselves, and trying to escape them via delusional thinking is weakness and therefore pathetic.

Cheating!

Now, this may be the sort of nonsense that we like to tell ourselves, but would we ever actually burden someone else with this same set of cold, inviolate rules — perhaps even on their death bed? Or would we instead say: “let the guy find comfort in his faith, so what if none of it’s actually proven? Who cares?” Of course this solution is never valid for you, just the other guy. We go easy on him but never on ourselves.

All this madness forms the nuts-and-bolts of self-hatred – and it manifests itself in zillions of complicated and difficult to understand ways. It’s just the way that “we are” (or so we think). But there is a hidden kernel of compassion locked away in everyone’s heart and you need to find yours. Depression, disillusionment… these are all cries from deep within to be free of the self-hating monster that we created. Read that book if you can. The entire human race should read it!

Anyway, this was a long-winded way of recommending that you dig out your own self-hating internal rules from under the mental rock where they hide and spray some compassion on them. Stop being so hard on yourself by worrying about hypothetical HSM-LSM issues etc. I recommend that you seek out your own happiness by whatever route you must take.

No one will ever ask how you got there or judge whether or not you “cheated” by failing to take the hardest road possible. Are you gonna get a medal for remaining true to your self hated? Where do they hand those baby’s out? (I would look like one of those old Soviet generals if they did

Want to know the saddest part? In the end, I discovered that self-hatred is a complete a waste of time… because when you finally DO break the grip of those murderous rules YOU WON’T CARE IN THE LEAST! You’ll see that nobody gives a damn about the exact trajectory of your life, but you. And if you won’t even give yourself a break then there’s no hope at all — because everyone else is too tied-up wrestling with their own demons to worry about “saving you”. You’re sitting in the middle of the desert waiting for that ship to come in.

And man, this is the best wisdom that I can ever pass along to you. Take care buddy.

What kind of advice do you have for guys like me who are about to graduate college and enter the working world, but only just recently began improving their relations towards girls?

Barry

Hi Barry,

Thanks for writing.  Well, I don’t know if you’ve read any of my materials but you ask a very broad question that I address in various different ways in my books and audios, so I wouldn’t know where to begin trying to synopsize all that down into a simple bit of magical advice that I can give you.

One thing that I think you may have overlooked in all this agonizing though is motivation.  And I don’t just mean motivation to chase after women, but a motivation to do all those scary and potentially painful things that you must do (such as face down your fears, actually approach women and not just dream about it, etc.) in order to make serious changes in your life.

There’s no painless way to catch up once you’ve fallen behind the average person in terms of romantic skills — there will be embarrassment and bad emotions to experience and push through as you stumble and bumble your way to eventual competence.  It’s like anything else that you’ve been studying at school.

Here’s the one big thing to remember: the longer that you wait to tackle the chore of learning these skills the more embarrassing and difficult it will be to swallow the inevitable flubs that you will surely make along the way.  That’s because we naturally assume a greater level of romantic and social skill in people as they age, and when this experience is missing it diminishes us greatly.  The awkward romantic mistakes made at 16 may be laughable and expected — but those same mistakes made at 36 are sad and can sometimes even seem tragic.  So DO get to work facing down your fears and get this stuff handled — those fears won’t always self-correct, as a lot of people think they will.

Get yourself motivated to run that gauntlet of fear and fuck-ups!

Finally, you should understand that the “23 year old virgin” thing does actually leave an invisible stink on you that many women can actually sense before you even say anything to them — and this often ruins your chances to make a powerful, high status male impression right off the bat.  In this ” virgin mode” you’re always fighting an uphill battle again a nasty bad vibe that you’re sending out ahead of yourself… making the task of hooking up far more difficult than it should be.

I would therefore make the somewhat radical suggestion to you that you get yourself an escort or a hooker or something and just get laid already. Just be done with this whole virginity deal!  The longer you wait the more you end up over-thinking the whole thing until you’re completely locked-up on the issue. Hiring a courtesan is actually a time-honored way for a boy to become a man, and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  Just keep it all on the down low if you want to and no one will ever have to know your business.  (Although maybe some of your frat bro’s could help hook you up?… if it wouldn’t destroy your rep with them to even ask such a thing?)

The important thing is to just get the stink of pussy ON you and get that virgin stench OFF you! Then you will experience a more natural shift in your attitude that will be far more attractive to women and give you a real shot with them.  Don’t get yourself all tangled up worrying about the “right way” to lose your virginity –  women obsess about that sort of shit (some of them, anyway).  Guys just need to get the V label off them and move on.  Hope this gets you thinking and ultimately motivated to begin staring down your fears.

Hey Mike,

Here’s my story…  Since about two weeks ago I’ve been dating this really great girl.  She’s in most of my classes here at uni, which could be awkward, but thus far hasn’t been.   This girl seems to really like me (there’s been a lot of casual touching, longing stares, a lot of good laughs, we’ve even had a couple of passionate make-out sessions).

But there is a problem…  every time I ask her to come over to my place for dinner or to go out somewhere, she always seems very reluctant.   I know that she has a pretty busy social life (I think…), but seeing that we supposedly “like” each other so much I don’t understand why she can’t spare me some more of her time?

I refuse to beg her — as my instincts tell me this is NOT the right move.  On the other hand, I really do want to spent more time with her, so I feel like I should be doing something else here, but what?

I have noticed that she DOES seem to respond to a forceful dominant attitude — as I have gotten her to come over to my place once by being very direct about my desire to see her — but I’m hesitant to be this pushy because it might reveal my “too strong” of a desire to be with her which could be perceived as low status, right?

So do you think I should just keep bugging her to spend more time with me as I’ve been doing, or should I wait for her to break down and come crawling to me?  She’s a really shy girl — which I fear could mean that she might decide to stop seeing me altogether!

Gary

Hi Gary,

This girl seems to me like she’s been hurt in the past and has a lot of doubts about the two of you taking your relationship deeper towards the sexual.  She’s split between whatever desire she may have for you and paying homage to some deeper fear that is holding her back and driving her to be overly cautious about things.

The basic behaviors and expressed personality of most people is often just a pattern of habits (bad or otherwise) that come into being as a response to some kind of psychic trauma that we experienced in our past, either real or imagined.  In other words, we are all a collection of not just these deep hurts but the ‘compensatory behaviors’ that we then develop to prevent them from ever happening to us again. This makes some people assume some very odd and conflicting behaviors that make their friends and family go crazy trying to figure them out!

These behaviors are complex and can be invisible even to our own self-awareness of them –  and they can often be self destructive in all sorts of creatively different ways.  Most often it involves passing up a chance to make some sort of significant positive change in our lives IF it means not having to confront certain fears that are absolutely “off limits” to us.  Our internal Prime Directive becomes one of making certain that we remain protected and assured that “THAT” (fill in the blank of past pain…) will never happen to us again! All other considerations are secondary and even unimportant.

It’s for this reason that you sense she might even choose to completely disconnect and split away from you if you choose to use a hard-to-get type ploy on her.  Her fear (whatever it is) is still far stronger than any feelings of attachment that she might have for you at this stage of the game.  See?  You can already sense this about her!

If she’s shy and cautious you can bet there’s a reason for it — unless she’s just some big time introvert by disposition (and she doesn’t sound like it since you claim she has an active social life).  The play with a girl like this I feel is to just put in the time connecting with her and slowly drawing her out of her shell, and maybe even help her get beyond these fears somewhat. As you become closer you can get her to reveal a few of those things from her past that originally drove her into a protective shell.  This could be anything from something as silly as being picked-on in grammar school to be raped by her dad.  I’m just saying — you never know what variety of worms you’ve got in the can!

But this is really the mission of our lives isn’t is?… it’s about helping each other get beyond the garbage that holds us apart from each other.

So use whatever time that you DO get to spend with her right now to do more than just party… try getting into some deeper conversations with her and connect some more. You need to find the right balance between seeming concerned / interested and being too pushy or nosey.  A tightrope to walk, I know.  Once she starts to open up and trust you a little more though I’ll bet she becomes more fascinated with you and perhaps even obsessed with you!

This can all go horribly off the rails of course and you may find out more about her personal story than you may want to know — and she could develop such a deep bond with you as a result that you might not be able to get rid of her!  Seriously.  Once some people finally DO feel comfortable enough to open up to someone else it can be like an emotional damn bursting… and you’re the one who’s standing in the valley!

So another thing you have to do is decide if you’re going to commit the time and energy into doing all this connecting work, or if it will cut too much into your studies at university or become too much of a burden on you.  Remember that there’s plenty of fish swimming around in the environment that you’re in.  I’m just sayin’.

BTW, your being forceful and dominant is in no way LSM, to the contrary it is the mark of the HSM who goes after what he desires in life and is not afraid to crash through a few barriers to get it! The alpha male assumes his right to possess anything that he chooses (until he’s challenged, but that’s another story…).  So it’s okay to press forward against her reluctance, just don’t grovel or engage in acts of self-humiliation in the process.

Because THAT’s too high a price for anything in life!

Mike,

I found your books to be very interesting and I felt that they related to my life more so than ‘The Game’ because it isn’t so fIxated on the club scene.  (I have also been reading the Layguide as well and multiple links from the Fast Seduction website).  I don’t really have anyone to discuss your books with — I have been reading up on some of your forums, reading your books.  I haven’t yet really listened the audio or the workbook yet though (I bought your package about 2 weeks ago).  In theory I understand everything you are saying and it all makes sense, but I  still have that fear of approaching women.

I have tried to figure things out and I have come up with two significant events in my life.  The first is that I am an identical twin and for the majority of my life I have always been around my brother.  I feel I have gotten so used to having him around that I am uncomfortable trying things on my own.  Also when I was younger I got into a bike crash and smashed up my teeth pretty badly.  I still haven’t got them fixed, couple are chipped and crooked.  I still remember this moment vividly in my mind and think that at times this may be making me more self conscious than I should probably be.

I am only 20 years old, so I still have plenty of time, but I want to be able to take full advantage of being in college with tons of single girls.  I have only dated or seen one girl in my life and we dated for about 2 years. I have trouble approaching complete strangers though, the thought of not knowing what they are going to say in response scares me.  I know I just need to overcome my fear of approaching and I will immediately start to see results, but I’m having trouble getting over the hump.  I am not a bad looking guy, I feel like I have been getting interest from some girls, but not really enough to be able to act upon.

I don’t know where I am going with all of this rambling, any help or insight you can provide would be great.

Thanks,
Danny

Hi Danny,

Well the identical twin thing is a bit unusual and it’s something that I don’t really have any personal experience with (nor do I know any identical twins), but it could be that you are experiencing a bit of separation anxiety or some such thing, and this is something that you’ll just have to grow out of I would think.  You’re young and as you say have plenty of time, so I wouldn’t worry.  There are still very many life changes ahead for any 20 year old! Being on your own now at college will help this process, and you should begin to gradually desensitize to this kind of anxiety over time.

The important thing is to avoid “turtling-up” and withdrawing in the face of this or any other type of fear… if you do that the fears will only grow stronger and you will waste more of your time chasing down the causes of your anxiety than doing those things (like reaching out socially to others) that will eventually make it go away naturally.

So be mindful to direct your thoughts and energies OUTWARD as much as you can, rather than obsessing inward on your own closed-off thoughts too much.  Stay involved — join some groups and organizations or study groups.  Volunteer for stuff on or off campus.  This is how you make friends.  Just don’t let yourself become isolated… because it’s a self-propelling burden that will only make you seem more weird and a bigger question mark to those around you.  This is NOT a good way to meet women, to say the least! They look for men who are into things that give them some juice… have a drive and apparent purpose or goal in life, and have a base of close friends to provide them with so-called social proof.

The way to do this is to be social and that means you must network… join some of those clubs or groups, go out for some sports.  Networking is where all your best chances to meet girls will occur.  Say ‘yes’ to every offer to party or hang out or do whatever it takes (to the extent that it doesn’t interfere with your studies, of course).

Also the thing about the missing teeth is no big deal… in Canada they call it a ‘hockey smile’ and guys wear it with pride!

You can get them fixed after college if you want.  As an adult trying to break into the working world, that’s when it may become more of an issue for you.  I wouldn’t worry about it until then.  Get busy reading and listening to my program and figure out how to apply my ideas to your own life and situation.

Remember the ultimate goal should always be to raise your status in order to ATTRACT women — rather than chase after them from a position of social weakness. Do whatever it takes to stay connected, stay involved, and take a chance here and there where it seems you have good odds of success.  Or even if you don’t and fail, so what?

Most importantly of all: Dump the Emotion And Save the Data! This means that you have to coldly and ruthlessly extract the lessons embedded in your failures and learn from them, while absolutely REFUSING to take any of these setbacks personally… because this only produces negative emotions that will ultimately hold you back in the future and could even cause you to shut down completely.  Don’t fall into the trap of letting your fears rule you!… like I did when I was your age.  Learn from my experiences — that’s why I wrote my books.

So I was reading Without Embarrassment the other day and I had a question about the ultimate orgasm you mentioned. Is it universally the kinesthetic “down and to the right” for all types of people? Or if she is for example, a visual, I should make her focus up?

Thanks!
Devon

Hi Devon,

Yes, always try to use the kinesthetic eye movement straight down as you are trying to provoke a certain receptive brainstate in her rather than trying to read a brainstate by looking at the tell-tale eye movements.  The brain-eye connection works both ways, in other words… thoughts in the brain result in an eye movement tendency, while moving the eyes in a certain way triggers the associated ‘thought’ brainwaves.  That’s the theory anyway.  Let me know how it works out for you.

Hi Mike,

I go to gym regularly, and the other day I made nice eye contact with a girl who seemed to be showing a willingness to talk to me.  So I took a chance and offered to take her to the best place in the city for chicken wings.  She asked me where that was.  I was stuck and couldn’t give her the exact name of any great restaurants, so I think I may’ve messed up there?  Then I asked for her phone number and she wouldn’t give it to me.  At that point, I asked her whether or not she had a boyfriend.  She said yes, and so I said goodbye and left.

Today when I went to the gym the supervisor told me that this girl was very much distressed when I pressed her for her phone number.  He said I could not press his staff for their personal information, and that he must cancel my membership unless I apologize to her.

I told him that if I  distressed her, I was willing to apologize and did so.  I think that maybe the question about the boyfriend may have offended her?   Please provide your opinion.  I have since listened your audio on how to ask for a date with the hanging question — I think I will be more confident  asking for dates in the right way from now on!

Thank you!
Ray

Hi Ray,

It’s tough for me to assess what exactly you may’ve done wrong with this girl just from reading your description of events.  I can’t get a sense of how you may’ve presented yourself or if she was sending out the wrong or confusing signals to you.  Or maybe you were just ignoring them and pushing forward anyway?  If she was just being an over-sensitive bitch, etc.   I don’t know.

There is some elevated risk involved in just going for a phone number ‘cold’ like you did.   Sometimes a girl will lock up in the face of a very sudden, bold approach and just snap-reject you. That’s because, in your haste to just keep talking (in order to keep your own fears and insecurities at bay) you made her feel like she’s being boxed into a corner and not being given a chance to get a sense of who you are FIRST, and then to consider your offer calmly.   Or at least what passes for calm reflection at a time like this.   Rationally, I guess you might say.

Instead you’re asking her to just quick hand over her phone number right this moment based on your straightforward offer which, you must realize, is just coming straight out of the blue from her perspective.  It’s okay to take these sort of chances, just understand the risks to the ego are a bit greater than if you take a more roundabout approach.

See when women feel pressured like this they get scared and their fear shuts down the rational side of their mind and calls up her natural protective instincts.   And this instinct instantly compels her to close down and say ‘no’ to anything that you happen to be asking (or demanding of) her to do — to turn you away, to get some physical separation from you, to move you back to a place or situation where’s she’s ’safe’ again.   And all this is done with little or no regard to your feelings. Because women typically have no honor or sense of fair play when it comes to matters of the heart, she’ll tell you anything to get safe… that she has a boyfriend, a husband, that she’s a lesbian or even has herpes… all just to make you cease and desist and go away!

Again, you can mistakenly read this kind of reaction as a horrible personal judgement against yourself (like I used to!), but it’s really just a protective reflex for a lot of people.  Not everyone — some girls are bold and can be up for taking a chance on a sudden opportunity if you catch them in the right mood.  They will make impulsive decisions — but here’s the trouble: it’s hard to tell WHO those ‘player’ women could be beforehand without your actually having to approach them directly and find out.  There can often be no indication either way, so you just have to go for it.   Just like you did!  This is the sort of ’style’ of gaming women that will either get you a nasty rejection or a major home-run sexual / romantic experience! I don’t know what the odds are here, but it’s a total crapshoot for sure.

The less nerve-wracking move is to joke around and talk with a female prospect a little bit and try to get a read on her.  It may even take a few encounters such as if you see her at work or school.  You get a sense of her digging your style (or not), humor, general ‘vibe’ — and then you act based upon that read… that educated guess.  This is more art than science as you can imagine.  There are no certainties when it comes to women.  This is and always will be a slippery game from a man’s point of view.

The more important thing is that the feeling out process gives her a chance to develop a sense about you and see if you can get her romantic antenna to go up.   If you do, she will begin to signal her interest back in the form of body language cues — most importantly, lingering eye contact. From this posture your asking her out will then seem like a logical (women would call it ‘natural’) extension of the growing connection that the two of you seem to be developing.

She will be far more likely to accept your offer now, especially if you use my techniques which will allow her to “see it coming” and psychologically prepare herself for the ‘hit’.  She will have had the time to wrestle with her fears and decide in advance of you asking anything what her answer will be.   This is the position that you are always looking to maneuver yourself into with women. The best thing is to always have several of them in play and see which one bears fruit first.  Make it your own personal game.

Seduction actually begins long before your absolute interest is formally announced by your verbally asking a woman for a date, or even stealing a kiss.

REMEMBER THIS: all of this highly important work that you are doing to “soften her up” like this by just chatting and joking around and connecting with a woman is NOT wasted blab in the service your fear — something which you must then feel guilty about or become self-castigating about… it IS the actual preliminary groundwork of seducing any woman! It IS the seduction itself… now underway and in progress.  No need to punish yourself and make all this stuff deliberately more harder than it already is by nature, by forcing yourself to act boldly in the face of your normal fear.

These are the ’stealthy’ actions that you should always be leading off with to set up and establish your social life.  Have fun!

Mike,

While I don’t necessarily agree with every single thing in your books, I did take away quite a bit of good stuff — and I kind of tailored a few of your ideas and techniques to my own liking.

I want to be in the game of women and sex, but I’ve kept myself away from women romantically for my entire 25 year life up to this point.  I am talking about having no kisses, no girlfriends… not even girls that are “just friends”.

Masochism, I know!

It was a combination of different things such as my twisted view on religion and the personality that people expected of me.  Anyway, I was quite successful in other areas of life and have been seeking knowledge to improve myself even further in all areas… this was my impetus to seek out and buy your books.

Now I actually outwardly project the type of person that I always have been.  I am a suave, quick-witted engineer and Renaissance Man.  I dabble in a lot of interesting things, and that gives me a ton of conversation starters with the ladies. Recently, one cutey said she was going to “make me” meet her again (said that in a flirty way, not in a crazy way).  How cool is that?

This life change is like going from black/white TV to HD… stunning!

Ryan

Hi Ryan.

Great to see that you’ve made a breakthrough in your life when it comes to women.  Here’s an insight for you and since you are a self-described and fellow Renaissance Man (we should start a club …  I expect you to investigate it further.  What you call masochism I’ve come to understand as self-hatred — and a lot of us harbor this demon in us at all various levels, many of them far below out consious radar.  And these are the most dangerous types.

Why?  Because if we don’t know they’re there, and therefore never take any action to cure them. That’s because we’re never quite enough of a mess to think that we really need any serious help.  But we do.  We may understand when someone is being and acting obviously self-destructive — drinking themselves to death, a big time drug addict, a self-mutilator that needs a stint in a mental hospital, and so on.  But our own self-destructive, self-hating behaviors are subtle and they don’t interfere with our ability to live 80-90% successful lives in many ways, and therefore we never really think of ourselves as self-hating. That’s for the crazies who pull out their hair or cut themselves with razors, right?  Not so.

In some ways these people are lucky because they are so bad that they attract enough attention that someone intevenes and gets them help.  But what about the rest of us, the “stealth” self-haters?  Is something as silly as shyness a manifestation of scary-ass self-harted?

It is.

The problem all begins when we make these Faustian bargins within our own heads where we allow ourselves success in one area of life (acedemic notariety, good health, lots of money, etc.) but then feel the perverse (self-hating) need to compensate for all of it somehow by frustrating some other area of our lives, or thwarting a great personal desire.  And if this “frustration/compensation” zone happens to land on top of your ability to create personal relationships with women, love them, have social success or even real live sex… then you end up becoming that sort of puzzling personality who seems to have tremendous success in some areas of life but is a miserable failure in others.

I was this guy for many years!

So I know all about the shame and embarrassment attached to it.  The knowledge that you have failed to match up to even the most rudimentary of expections by friends and family.  What’s going on?… this is the self-hatred mechanism at work in your deep unconsious mind, that’s what!  Don’t ask me why this shit happens, but a ton of people wrestle with their self-hating selves and have no idea of what’s going on inside their heads to cause it.

They are as much a puzzle to themselves as they are to others who care about them.

I think it basically has to do with being driven too hard by parents or peers or something else early on in our lives, until we end up taking on some of their “motivational disdain” that they developed to steer us straight (or into some other kind of mold that they had in their minds of how we “should” be)… and then reflecting this poison back on ourselves.  We’re are all victims in some way of this “Stockholm Syndrome” thing where we take up the cause of our own oppressors, and then continue to torment ourselves long after they are gone from our lives.

the way out of this trap is what I call the Double C’s: Consciousness and Compassion. First you must become self-aware of what is happening to you, what you are doing to yourself.  This is the Consciousness, or self-awareness part of the equation.  Only when you have discovered the true nature of the problem and have dragged it out into the sunlight can you begin to change it.  Then you have to learn how to exhibit the same sort of Compassion towards yourself (quit being so hard on yourself!) that you most likely extend towards most everyone else in your life.

Are you as hard on your aging parents, co-workers, casual friends, nieces and nephews as you are on YOU?  Probably not (in fact you may even over-compensate and become “too nice”, which also ruins your HSM vibe with women).  This can be a tough nut to crack and “unlearn”, but herein lies the answer.  Once you have practiced the art of self-compassion and broken the back of your own insideous self-hatred, THEN you will be able to lower the wall and accept those things into your life that haven’t been denied to you, but rtaher that you have been denying yourself all along.

If you want to read more about this subject, check out the book “Compassion and Self Hate” by Theodore Rubin.  It’s the top (Amazon) listing on this PUA Resources page.

Hi Mike,

What you are doing here is amazing, you’re giving us an opportunity to grow as men!

Let me introduce myself, I’m a tall man in my early 20’s and I weigh about 225.  My problem is that I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’m still a virgin.  I’m very shy — for some reason I can’t stand the idea of being alone with a woman.  I think I have rejection phobia.  A few years ago I was in line to lose my virginity I thought, but I couldn’t get it up! I think this experience made me even more afraid of women.  I’d appreciate your help and advice.

Robert

Bob, the thing about sexual issues caused by excessive virginity is simply this: at some point it comes down to just getting the stink on you, no matter how you have to do it!

I recommend that guys like yourself who are so incredibly shy — and especially if their shyness is tied to sexual insecurity — should just go ahead and get an escort and do the deed already! Get all that nagging doubt about your sexual prowess out of your head so that you can understand “deep down” (unconscious mind) that you can perform with a woman.

Once you’ve been popped your male “vibe” will adjust itself to confirm this by making you more at ease around women, which improves your reactions FROM them and opens up opportunities to make a connection. A male virgin carries an invisible tag on him that women can pick up on it somehow. It usually provokes disinterest and makes them regard you as some kind of asexual creature — which makes the task of hooking up doubly difficult.

You are always being faced with having to take an enormous, paralyzing risk to meet anyone — and this is a really stressful way to live.

So get busy getting this issue cleared up for yourself and then take the steps necessary to get out there on the social field of play.  Go take a look at my PUA Product Review pages.  The top listing on each one are books that sit on my own personal bookshelf here at home, books that helped me overcome huge negative issues in my personality that were keeping me shy and unable to connect with women.

Hi Mike,

I am primarily interested in finding one woman with whom I can have a really good relationship.  I am learning this stuff so that I can have a vast choice and not be like most of my friends that took the first woman that would be with them (they all seem so unhappy).

First some background: I have been in a bad rut since I went through a breakup about 5 years ago.  I needed a kick-start to get back into the game.  I am older now 42 and my self esteem was shot.  First I quit smoking, took up Karate, lost 30 pounds and got a good haircut.  Confidence went up but still no real luck.  Then I found “THE BOOKS” I combined some Double Your Dating System (book) and Seduction Science System and Speed Seduction stuff all together and now I am getting dates – as many as I want.

(Side Note: By the way, your stuff is the best and your “High Status Male” concept changes everything for me – it is incredible.  Scored 200 on the test but my failures were 2s and they were things that were destroying everything – thanks for showing me the truth.)

Back to my point… Anyway I still make mistakes but thats okay, I am learning.  Thing is, all these women that go out with me are interested (even when I screw up sometimes) BUT I am not always so interested in them, and that’s my problem. I want to date them, have fun and be honest with them but I do not want to hurt anyone. So, the problem is I just don’t know how to end things when I want to – especially if I sleep with them.

I was never really afraid of rejection — it doesn’t phase me, but I think that this fear of how to reject them is just as toxic.  I find myself discussing “exit clauses” (figuratively speaking) on the first date quite often.  I can’t turn them all into friends either – I just don’t have that much time.  You know how it is – once you sleep with them leaving is impossible.  So help me out with some advice please if you can and most sincerely thanks very much for the great book.

Thanks,

Sal

Hi Sal,

It sounds like you have a great deal of empathy for the feelings of women, which is great to see, but it’s also unusual.  A lot of guys are just focused on getting their own needs taken care of, so lots of women will be smitten by this endearing character trait.  This red flags you a potential heartbreaker. I can see your problem.

DO NOT however, let your concern about the emotional pain that you may have to cause in the future mess up the way that you operate with women, or keep you from taking the steps you must take in order to get what you want from them.  BOTH parties, man and woman, take an *equal* risk in the love and romance game — and if the women want to play, then they have to be willing to take a shot in the heart now and then just like the guys do.  Otherwise stay off the field of combat!

It is not YOUR job to insure that a woman will not experience any trauma from a romantic encounter with you.  As long as you remain completely honest about your intentions along the way and are not being deliberately devious, you have nothing to apologize about. If you’re being dishonest and manipulative just to get your jollies, well that’s a different story… but that doesn’t sound like you, so it’s really not an issue in your case.

If you’re up front about everything and make no promises that you know you ultimately won’t be able to keep, then you have nothing to feel ashamed about if things ultimately finish on a sour note.  That’s the risk SHE takes.  And don’t let her “guilt” you for it… that’s HER being manipulative and it’s totally unfair.

People have to be adults about failed relationships — pick up the pieces, deal with the bruised emotions and move on.  You and me didn’t make up the rules for this game — we just do our best to play it fair.  And that’s all anyone can ask for.

Hello Mike,

I’d like to ask your advice on how to deal with the embarrassment of when you ask a woman for her phone number and she says no, then you see her again and there’s an unpleasant tension that wasn’t there before.

Thanks in advance
Jake

Hi Jake,

There’s only one good way to handle this kind of softball rejection and that’s to roll right over it like it never happened. Act NO differently towards her than you did before.  Remember, an HSM never apologizes for his desires as a man.  Act friendly and happy and normal.  It’s no big deal.  You ask women out all the time… (this is the attitude you want to project)… so what?  Sometimes you can’t even recall which ones you asked or not!

The worse thing that you can do is go into a pout… this is classic LSM behavior that will only convince her that she made the right decision to turn you down in the first place.  If you go the HSM route instead, it won’t be long before she begins to think just the opposite — that maybe she made a mistake!  Then she’ll start flirting with you again.  Accept her “penance” with good humor and consider giving her a second chance if she “begs” for it with more intense flirting and body language than usual.

Listen… a rejection, if played properly, actually provides you with the perfect opportunity to separate yourself from the typical hang-dog shmucks that women are used to blowing off, by reacting in a way that demonstrates that you are an HSM instead.  Lo & behold… NOW they’re interested!

Hey Mike,

I’ve been loving your book, it’s really hit home on several things. I can relate to much of it and it has been invaluable.

First a little background.  I met this girl out one night and we ended up back at my place. That was February. I called her a couple of days later, then didn’t run into her until the next week on campus.  She said she had enjoyed being with me, and still had my number. (Obviously I had not been actively pursuing her, calling all the time, etc.)

Long story short, she called me that Sunday night and we hooked up again.  All good.  So she left for spring break and will be back soon.  She did call out of the blue this past week from home just to say “hi” and said that we should get together when she gets back.  Things seem to be going great so far, but I want to stay ahead of the game on this.  I can see myself wanting to revert back to some “nice guy” ways, but I know that is probably the wrong thing to do.

Here’s my question — If and when this thing develops into a relationship, what do women want and/or what do they need once they decide they want to have a relationship with you?

Barry

Hi Barry,

Thanks for your kind words about the book, I’m glad that it’s been helpful to you.

As for your situation… it seems like you’re moving along pretty good on this thing. Two phases exist at the start of relationships — pivotal to your chances — that you should keep in mind.  You have to play them sort of ‘bad cop – good cop’.  First you’re the “bad” cop (which is enticing), then your the “good” cop AFTER you reach phase 2, in order to seal the deal.

Phase One is pre-’first sex’. The balance of power shifts from girl to guy when the first episode of sex occurs.  In the beginning, (the pre-sex part of dating) the woman holds all of the power.  Either you perform the way she wants (dominant male) or you’re rejected.  The guy basically is walking a fine line between trying to keep her interested and trying NOT to piss her off or bore her so that he can get into her pants.  Problem is that she knows this all too well, AND IS TESTING THE HELL OUT OF YOU to make her decision as to whether or not to give it up to you.  That’s because she understands that once she does, the balance of power in the relationship shifts over to the guy, and stays there pretty much for good (until we marry them, then all bets are off…

You job here is to make sure that you don’t get too “pally wally” with her and end up killing the budding passion… and end up in the “friends” zone.  If this happens you’re dead… and you’ll get the “I think you’re a great guy, but we should just be friends…” brush off.  Make sure that you keep some edge and mystery about yourself, and don’t get too self-introspective — as this puts you in a bad light by revealing too many of your flaws, thus killing all the mystery.  Save all that for Phase 2 when the idea is to BOND her to you as a loyal partner and lover for good.

Phase Two is post-sex. She has felt enough trust in your character to hand over the power in the relationship by having sex with you.  She’s betting that you don’t cut and run, or suddenly undergo a change in that character.  You now have the power to disappoint her and break her heart. If you really like her and want to lay the groundwork for a healthy and fun relationship, study the section in the book about meeting her Four Primary Emotional Needs, beginning on page 204.  If you can be this kind of guy for her, your bond of love (and increasingly better sex) will grow as she comes to see you as possibly the best guy she’ll ever find.  Then you can steer her towards fulfill YOUR 4 primary emotional needs, and bingo… well, it doesn’t get any better than this.  The near-perfect relationship.  Relationships that start this way have a lot of staying power.

The tough part, and the part that only YOU can decide, is IF this is the girl that you want to go down this road with in the first place.

Hello Mike,

Here are a few questions for you that I have been contemplating about my social life:

1. I’m recently divorced.  When a woman asks me why my marriage failed, what is a good answer?  My answer is that my wife and I simply grew apart and we needed to find new partners that were more compatible with our interests and life goals.  That’s the truth, but is that a good answer?

2. What do I say if she asks if I am dating other women?  How do I nicely say yes, I am?  Will that be a turn-off to her that I am dating other women, or will that entice her to be more interested and enter her female competition mode?

Paul

Hi Paul,

Here’s what I think:

1) This is a good answer, just don’t bring it up at all unless she does, and then don’t dwell on it. Change the subject and move on.  Bitching about ex’s is a major turnoff for both sexes.

2) DO let her know that you’re dating around.  This makes you seem valuable (people only want what they can’t have).  Just don’t brag or seem too proud of it.  Slip it into the conversation sideways… be vague about the whole thing and coy.  But make sure she doesn’t suspect that you’re married ( ! ) and trying to cover it up.  Split the difference between evasiveness and boasting.

Your best move is to AVOID talking about this sort of crap at all if you can, or just briefly breeze over it if you must.  Stay focused on the present activity you’re doing with her, and don’t get into mutual analysis of each other’s dating history.  What’s the point?  It’s all water under the bridge anyway.

Mike,

I ordered the book a few months ago, but I’m still having a problem with an area.  How would a dominant male respond to a situation where another person keeps picking with them?  Like ordering me to do some work faster and faster, and then other people join in on the fun.  I get angry, but they keep picking on me even more.  Also, what is the dominant male display that attracts women?  I guess I’m just having trouble summarizing the book into a general statement of dominant behavior.  Please help this recovering “nice guy”.  Thank you so much for your book — it has changed my life for the better.

– Bill

Hi Bill,

Looks like you’ve got a situation going on that will take some courage and fortitude to correct, but you’ll be transformed by the effort and ultimately glad you did it, trust me.

For a girl to become a woman, she has to pass through the pain of childbirth.  A man has a similar passage to his life’s station, though it’s not always as obvious.  It seems to me that the people around you have flagged you as an LSM and are having fun with it.  This is how they keep themselves propped up at whatever level they happen to be at — by stepping on guys like you.  You’re going to have to stand up and challenge these pricks and force them to change how they regard you. I know it’s not easy and it can be frightening, but this is the pain that men have to suffer sometimes in order to become men who are respected… and not just by other men, but ultimately by women too.

The thing I’m going to recommend is that you get some physical fighting skills, first.  Find a martial arts place that has self-defense classes.  You don’t need to go for any belts or anything radical, just get some basic training.  This will improve your confidence.  Don’t tell anyone what you are doing, this is going to be your little surprise. When you feel you’re ready, get in the face of the next prick who tries to put you down and tell him to fuck off.  Hold solid eye contact.  He’ll be stunned because he’s used to you folding and scurrying back to your lower position on the male status ladder without question (where he’s come to feel that you belong).  But now you’re going to make his life uncomfortable by challenging him… you want HIS spot!

Watch the punk sweat… he didn’t expect this.  See how far he wants to take it.  Don’t fold, make HIM back down.  If you can do all of this in front of others (who think the same of you) all the better.  Watch how, after the situation is over, they all shut up — hell… most of them won’t even look you in the eye any more.  This is an act of submission on their part. You’re going to disrupt a lot of forgone conclusions about yourself and get people thinking some uncomfortable thoughts… and that’s the real FUN part of it!  Screwing with their heads. Many times, you don’t have to even get physical… male posturing is often just that — a test of wills.  Who backs down first? (Hint: the guy who senses that he’s going to be the one to lose, that’s who).

And don’t give a shit about losing this job or anything else either, if you have to break some dude’s nose (even if its your boss)… you can always find honest work somewhere.  Your done with that job and those group of people anyway.  Your honor and self-respect are the most important things to worry about right now. You’ll achieve great things in life from that springboard.  As a lifelong LSM, however, you’ll end up mopping floors for minimum wage and getting married to the first fat girl who actually seems to like you. (Know of any miserable bastards like this?)

You have now moved off the Male Status basement floor and are beginning your climb up the ladder of social status. I had to do this when I was in high school my freshman year.  I was just a skinny little guy… just the type these bigger pricks like to pick on.  ONE TIME I had to stand up for myself.  One time. After that, no one ever bothered me for the remaining 4 years (and I didn’t know how to fight, and actually got my ass kicked!  I should’ve got some martial arts training first…)  But that didn’t matter, bruises heal.  I was respected for my courage.  This is how men have to settle out their positions in life.  After fisticuffs, will come workplace and financial status battles later on in your life — different but all “the same” really.  Who’s gonna be on top?

You want the dominant male behavior patterns summed up in one word?  How about confidence — in your abilities, in your self-respect, in your place on the social status ladder.  And you can’t fabricate confidence by sitting in your room alone chanting affirmations at a blank wall. It can’t be faked or hypnotized into yourself.  It comes from the real actions you are willing to take in the real world.  When you hit your stride and get to know this feeling, it acts as an invisible lure to women everywhere — and it works without you even knowing it.

So buck up, get your training and steel yourself to experience some pain and discomfort.  The Boy takes his fear with him into the cocoon.  He comes out the other side a Man.

Mike I have a few questions…

1) How do you impress in group conversations? Being rather shy and quiet, I often get left out… and feel uneasy about interrupting all the time.

2) For talking to girls on a regular basis, how do I get conversations started the second, third time etc., after we have already met or been introduced.

3) Icebreakers – I know I should not use pick up lines, but I’m still struggling with this as my mind really goes blank when a girl returns my signal. I hesitate and thus diminish my status in her eyes. I know you do not like to tailor lines to the situation, but could you just give me a few examples so I can get the gist of the general format?

4) I get told I am too serious, albeit I have a dry sense of humor. So I’ve tried smiling more and women seem to love that. Should I smile when I talk, smile when I listen… or does the poker faced mysterious stuff, interspersed with smiles in the appropriate places, work better?

Regards
Murray

Hi Murray,

One of the most difficult issues that a lot of guys face is what I call ‘conversational content’, or more specifically, lack thereof!

You too seem to have most of the essential elements of what is needed to make serious progress with women all worked out in your mind, but you’re still at a loss somehow.  It’s like you’re a great artist who has designed the perfect mold for a magnificent statue.  All the framework is in place, all the technical details have been managed to a tee.  Everything is all set to go, but then a problem arises — you don’t have any plaster!

There’s nothing to pour into the mold.

I can see from the techniques and processes you talk about that you’ve acquired a detailed understanding of all the things that you should or could possibly do around women, but you still can’t find a way to make it work.  Here’s why that is so… the focus of your life passion is too narrow.

I suspect that mostly all you think about is solving these social issues you have within yourself and not much else — and yet the more you drill in and focus on all the various places where you feel you’re failing — in social groups, with women, etc — the more elusive the answer seems to become.  That’s because the answer lies not in technique, but in the totality of your PASSION for life.

The more passionate you are about something — the more immersed — the greater will be the ease at which you can begin to connect with others, BASED on that passion.

You’ve already discovered the difficulty of trying to ‘manufacture’ conversation when the vessel (you) is empty.  That’s why you are struggling to sustain conversations… ratchet up the level of discussion on a second occasion of meeting someone, dream up interesting things to say on a first meeting, wonder if you should frame what you say with smiles (it’s always good to smile and have a smile in your voice around women, incidentally.  A mysterious persona seems to be getting misinterpreted as too grim on you).  And so on.  You mention your unease at repeatedly interrupting in groups. This could be because you sense that you don’t have anything important to say.  You’re smart, detailed and intuitive.  You’re just… empty.

There’s only one way to correct that — you have to develop and embrace some kind of passion about life, something that really interests you.  Learn a sport or hobby, join an acting class, become a musician, cycle cross country, join a political cause… it doesn’t matter what captures your soul.  Whatever it is will eventually pull you into it’s world — then your social circles and relationships will begin to emerge from within the framework of that new world.  Your communication and social skills will become transparent once the important thing becomes expressing that passion for life through yourself, and you’ll find yourself worrying less and less about how you’re coming across (and endlessly over-analyzing it!).

You must upgrade your current “passion” for self-improvement with this newer one.  Self-work is great, but it’s also fundamentally anti-social and not really something that can be shared with others, except perhaps in a group therapy-type setting.  That’s one of the reasons you’re having these difficulties thinking up things to talk about.  Right now the only real passion in your life is YOU — and it just doesn’t make for interesting conversation because, well, no one really cares.  Self-interest is a socializing dead-end.  People simply don’t care about someone else’s personal breakthroughs.  People will care about some outwardly directed passion, or about a life’s cause that consumes you, however.

I guess this has been a long and complicated way to say “get a life”, but that really is the message.  And I mean that with no malice intended.  No amount of studying prepared scripts or “talking points” to help you socialize with women will sustain you for very long.  They are only facades after all, with nothing genuine behind them.

What do you talk about after the script runs out?

I know you will probably find this advice difficult to swallow right now because you want to desperately solve your social difficulties first, and then — from that calm place — take up other life interests.  You will always face a struggle to focus on anything else until these issues are solved for you.  I’m telling you though, that you must spin everything around and point your passions outwards on something other than your self-work for now.  Then you will see how magically these perplexing social difficulties will begin to clear up for you.

Mike, I have trouble with the “clever wit” aspect of the flirting game.  I freeze up and can’t think of anything funny to say, and it feels like I should be doing something to lighten up the mood.  It’s really hindering me.  Any suggestions to get me started?

Also, what are good things to talk about in a first encounter to get things going on a romantic track right away?  I always feel like a goddamn interrogator and it doesn’t work, but I don’t know of any other way to keep the conversation flowing.

Jack

Hey Jack,

Clever wit only means that you make funny observations about certain things going on around you, or about universally understood people and events that are currently cooking in our popular culture.  (If the premise of the joke is not universally understood it qualifies as an inside joke.  Not good usually.)

Remember how Jerry Seinfeld used to do it?  Find his re-runs on cable and study them with a more trained eye if you never watched him before.  His is the perfect kind of clever but mostly non-offensive humor that women really dig.

Don’t go overboard with the jokes though, or everything about you will seem forced and unfunny.  And don’t forget that timing is everything in humor — make sure that you pick your spots carefully and only roll out a clever remark when the moment seems just right.  It’s your keen recognition of that certain moment that I think defines what is commonly understood as a “sense” of humor.  In other words, avoid any attempt to force the gag if there isn’t something juicy to grasp onto.  Better you say nothing than take a shitty stab at humor.  (Be careful not to make any jokes about HER or say anything that could be misconstrued as a put down, of course. I shouldn’t even have to say this.)

It’s tough to coach humor — it takes a bit of observational sensitivity mixed with an ability to quickly find the ridiculous side of things, and then point them out in a “cute” way (delivery).  That delivery can vary from deadpan (straight faced) to a wild man persona like Robin Williams, though I would recommend something in between.  This is drawn from your personal style.  Observe, comment, get a laugh.  Then let it rest for a while.  Humor is like salt & pepper — just a touch here and there.

Don’t come off as being too well-rehearsed like you’re doing a goddamn comedy routine!

Instead of dry questioning, talk about the interesting things happening in YOUR life, but in a way that draws her out and gets her talking about her own interests. “I was at the gym working out the other day and blah, blah, blah… tell me, what sort of things do you do to keep yourself in such great shape?” Like that.  This tells her something interesting about yourself, gets her to talk about herself in a way that might uncover some common ground between the two of you (you’re fishing around for topics), and sneaks in a sly compliment about her great looks as a bonus (that’s always the best way to lay in a compliment… with subtlety!).

Always try to stay laid back — ceaseless interrogating makes you seem intense and inexperienced, and ratchets up the pressure on her too, because it becomes obvious that you’re trying to “pick her up”.  The discomfort this creates will make her want to get away from you ASAP.  Lighten up, loosen up… and act like you do this stuff all the time (even if you don’t, how the hell can she possibly know that?…)