The High Status Male

Confused by a shy girl

by Mike Pilinski on Dec.30, 2009, under Reader Q&A

Hey Mike,

Here’s my story…  Since about two weeks ago I’ve been dating this really great girl.  She’s in most of my classes here at uni, which could be awkward, but thus far hasn’t been.   This girl seems to really like me (there’s been a lot of casual touching, longing stares, a lot of good laughs, we’ve even had a couple of passionate make-out sessions).

But there is a problem…  every time I ask her to come over to my place for dinner or to go out somewhere, she always seems very reluctant.   I know that she has a pretty busy social life (I think…), but seeing that we supposedly “like” each other so much I don’t understand why she can’t spare me some more of her time?

I refuse to beg her — as my instincts tell me this is NOT the right move.  On the other hand, I really do want to spent more time with her, so I feel like I should be doing something else here, but what?

I have noticed that she DOES seem to respond to a forceful dominant attitude — as I have gotten her to come over to my place once by being very direct about my desire to see her — but I’m hesitant to be this pushy because it might reveal my “too strong” of a desire to be with her which could be perceived as low status, right?

So do you think I should just keep bugging her to spend more time with me as I’ve been doing, or should I wait for her to break down and come crawling to me?  She’s a really shy girl — which I fear could mean that she might decide to stop seeing me altogether!

Gary

Hi Gary,

This girl seems to me like she’s been hurt in the past and has a lot of doubts about the two of you taking your relationship deeper towards the sexual.  She’s split between whatever desire she may have for you and paying homage to some deeper fear that is holding her back and driving her to be overly cautious about things.

The basic behaviors and expressed personality of most people is often just a pattern of habits (bad or otherwise) that come into being as a response to some kind of psychic trauma that we experienced in our past, either real or imagined.  In other words, we are all a collection of not just these deep hurts but the ‘compensatory behaviors’ that we then develop to prevent them from ever happening to us again. This makes some people assume some very odd and conflicting behaviors that make their friends and family go crazy trying to figure them out!

These behaviors are complex and can be invisible even to our own self-awareness of them –  and they can often be self destructive in all sorts of creatively different ways.  Most often it involves passing up a chance to make some sort of significant positive change in our lives IF it means not having to confront certain fears that are absolutely “off limits” to us.  Our internal Prime Directive becomes one of making certain that we remain protected and assured that “THAT” (fill in the blank of past pain…) will never happen to us again! All other considerations are secondary and even unimportant.

It’s for this reason that you sense she might even choose to completely disconnect and split away from you if you choose to use a hard-to-get type ploy on her.  Her fear (whatever it is) is still far stronger than any feelings of attachment that she might have for you at this stage of the game.  See?  You can already sense this about her!

If she’s shy and cautious you can bet there’s a reason for it — unless she’s just some big time introvert by disposition (and she doesn’t sound like it since you claim she has an active social life).  The play with a girl like this I feel is to just put in the time connecting with her and slowly drawing her out of her shell, and maybe even help her get beyond these fears somewhat. As you become closer you can get her to reveal a few of those things from her past that originally drove her into a protective shell.  This could be anything from something as silly as being picked-on in grammar school to be raped by her dad.  I’m just saying — you never know what variety of worms you’ve got in the can!

But this is really the mission of our lives isn’t is?… it’s about helping each other get beyond the garbage that holds us apart from each other.

So use whatever time that you DO get to spend with her right now to do more than just party… try getting into some deeper conversations with her and connect some more. You need to find the right balance between seeming concerned / interested and being too pushy or nosey.  A tightrope to walk, I know.  Once she starts to open up and trust you a little more though I’ll bet she becomes more fascinated with you and perhaps even obsessed with you!

This can all go horribly off the rails of course and you may find out more about her personal story than you may want to know — and she could develop such a deep bond with you as a result that you might not be able to get rid of her!  Seriously.  Once some people finally DO feel comfortable enough to open up to someone else it can be like an emotional damn bursting… and you’re the one who’s standing in the valley!

So another thing you have to do is decide if you’re going to commit the time and energy into doing all this connecting work, or if it will cut too much into your studies at university or become too much of a burden on you.  Remember that there’s plenty of fish swimming around in the environment that you’re in.  I’m just sayin’.

BTW, your being forceful and dominant is in no way LSM, to the contrary it is the mark of the HSM who goes after what he desires in life and is not afraid to crash through a few barriers to get it! The alpha male assumes his right to possess anything that he chooses (until he’s challenged, but that’s another story…).  So it’s okay to press forward against her reluctance, just don’t grovel or engage in acts of self-humiliation in the process.

Because THAT’s too high a price for anything in life!

:, ,

36 Comments for this entry

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    Hi Joker, thanks for all that. I don’t know what the problem is with Chrome. My RSS feed is actually being run through Feedburner which is operated by Google, so you would think that their feed would work with their browser! I’m not sure what the fix for that would be. You can also receive new posts sent directly to your e-mail if you wish to get around this problem in that way. Just sign up in the grey box down the right column. Thanks!

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    Thanks Laurette. I’m not sure what’s going on with Chrome — I test my site on Firefox 3.5 and in IE 8.0 and it looks perfect in these 2 browsers. I noticed on someone else’s computer who was running the older (buggy) IE 7.0 that the top banner was running right over the top part of the text in both columns, which is not how it should look obviously. Is that the problem that you’re seeing as well? Let me know so I can track this issue down. Maybe I’ll have to define an actual box for the banner to ride in in order to push the text columns down and away from it?

    Anyone out there who runs a Wordpress blog and knows of a fix for this please let me know, I appreciate it! ;-)

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    http://wordpress.org/extend/themes/

    I’ve made a few tweaks to the css code and added stuff into the sidebar, put in some plug-ins, etc. I don’t really know php coding but I’ve learned a little just bit about it reading around and with a Dummies book for wordpress. I like dark themes — I think it’s easier on the eyes to read white text on black than grey (or lime green!) on white. If you’re on a mobile device I have a plug-in that senses that and you’ll see a black on white theme caled Carrington instead since it’s easier to read on a handheld than a black theme. This wordpress is amazingly flexible.

    Take care, and spread the word about me, I’m new! ;-)

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