The High Status Male

Hi Mike,

Ok… I have to be the 525,402,150th guy who fucked up and let a relationship with a girl he really likes turn into a platonic friendship (exactly what you describe on page 85, “The Zone of Discomfort”).

Me and this girl are coworkers, we both work for a mid-size custom software development firm.  We both know each other since college, and I have always had some type of crush on her, but I have been taking her a bit for granted all this time. I always thought I would tell her how I felt about her, and about all the plans I’ve been cooking about the rest of our lives together, and shit like that.  Now the problem is that she got tired of waiting, and she started dating this complete ASSHOLE! …  And the whole thing is just driving me nuts!!

I understand it’s MISSION IMPOSSIBLE to make a girl change her mind about guys that are considered to be friends.  But this is what leads us to my real problem — I’m not sure if I’m considered JUST a friend by her.  Lately my antennas have been receiving signs that tell me she refuses to let go of our so called “friendship”.  I understand this is happening because I have been trying to avoid any type of non-professional conversation with her, which for some reason gets her very sad.  And she does not seem to be very happy with her new relationship either.

I’d like to determine, by using some non-linguistic method.  I think I’m still too “Proud & Ashamed” to ask her directly if I’m still in the game.  Should I keep my cool or just walk out?… because I think I’m being set up to be used as backup just in case her new boyfriend doesn’t work out.

Regards,
Ben

Hi Ben

This is a situation I see a lot of, and that’s why I try to pound home in the book the ultra importance of making your romantic interests in a woman known to her as soon as possible — or you are going to lose out to the first sap that stumbles along and does exactly that.  Hanging around the edges of her world and believing that she must “get it” that you’re interested in becoming her lover someday (when you get the courage to finally make a move) doesn’t cut it.  She either doesn’t “get it” or is simply unwilling to wait for such a low pressure, safe approach by a guy to someday bear fruit.

Here’s the deal: right now a big imbalance between the two of you exists.  She has a social life and you (I’m assuming) don’t.  This means that she now feels that she’s advanced beyond you and that you are no longer on her level.

Imagine yourself, a computer whiz, trying to show your grandpa how to use the new DELL that grandma bought him for Xmas… how to use the mouse, pull down a menu, send e-mail, etc.  To you, gramps is like a child to you (in this arena), because your knowledge and experience are so far advanced beyond his.  You can’t converse with him about computers to any serious extent like you would one of your hacker buddies until he gets more experience and up to speed on the whole universe of computers.  You cannot view him as an equal to yourself until then.

Well, you are the clueless “grandpa” now in the social arena with this girl, and you need to get back up to her level if you wish to have any hope of courting her. You might already have been banished into the “friend zone” for all eternity anyway (my suspicion), but if you still want to give this a shot there’s only one way to do it… you must find some other girls to date around with to at least give yourself the appearance of having a social life.  Then you can begin to engage her on an even plane at her more advanced level of social experience.

Maybe she’ll get jealous and start to see you in a different light (girls don’t want guys with no social lives as boyfriends… they want to steal some other girl’s boyfriend). You need to get some activity going for yourself as this translates into a higher male status in the eyes of other women, and then you can get some of that mysterious game on yourself.  You can even trade a few war stories about the people you’re both dating, etc. and grow a new bond between you.

Until then she’ll use you for a crying shoulder and a place to vent her bitching, but you’ll NOT be considered a potential lover in her eyes.  You’ve been in a safe cocoon with this girl… Mr. Jerk-o busted into your world and lit a fire under your ass.  Now you’ve got to channel that energy into playing some catch-up ball, because while your nose has been buried in those C++ books your social skills (if you ever had any) have withered.