The High Status Male

Sorry to be bothering you, but I trust in your teachings and I know that you can help me.   I am working on my toxic shame — I have bought the book “Healing the Shame that Binds You” and I’m beginning to better understand this problem.   And I would like to thank you for your responses, because you respect your readers and this is fantastic.

I am facing a new problem and I would like some advice.  This case involves a girl called Dani (she studies with me at college) who I think I have fallen into the “Let’s Just be Friends Zone” with.   I worked a lot to change this scenario and I thought my situation was improving.   One day I had lunch with her and we laughed, sometimes I touched her, etc.   It was really good I thought.

So I invited her to go to the cinema with me and she accepted.   But yesterday when I called her she wasn’t home.   Today I called her again and the bitch gave me an amazing amount of excuses why she couldn’t go out with me… she had to study for her tests, it was raining, etc.   I tried to pretend that I really didn’t care and said to her that we could go out another day.   But the truth is that I want to send her to hell because I am really, really angry.   Who does she think she is?   Should I say something to her about this when I see her at school next week?

Artie

Hi Artie,

Sorry to hear about the crash and burn, but this is the sort of thing that often happens when you let yourself fall into the friends trap with women.   Women mistake your very gradual attempts to move a buddy-buddy relationship towards a romantic one as just a sweet expression of your “nice guy friendly” nature.   They misinterpret it, in other words.   Then, when they suddenly catch on what you’re actually trying to do (date them), they get scared and run away.

You may feel led-on and used and enraged, but you’re the one who ruined everything when you suddenly tried to turn things around and get it on with her, is how she feels.   The girl doesn’t understand your unexpected change of heart — women don’t get it that men don’t mentally compartmentalize members of the opposite sex the same way they do.   We can develop lust for a girl as time goes by even if there was none present at first, but women make these quick initial judgements of men as either “friend or hottie” and rarely seem to change their minds, no matter what happens from that point on.   (One of the few things they don’t seem willing to change their minds about, damn it!!)

That’s why I harp on guys endlessly that they must always start off on the correct foot with women and make their romantic interest as a man known right away by generous flirting and teasing right from the start.   You CANNOT try sneaking into her pants by coming across as a sexually-disinterested buddy and then suddenly reversing field once you get your foot in the door.   She views this as a cowardly way around your obligation to create chemistry with her.   Women live for the “snap of chemistry” with men — they are uninterested in guys who want to move in on them gradually on the sly, even though many chicks secretly love to watch movies like “When Harry Met Sally” over and over again which deals precisely with this very theme.   Go figure.

Here’s my 90-90 Rule: she forms 90% of her opinion of you (hot guy, neutral, repulsive, friendly nice guy with no passion, etc.) in the first 90 seconds of meeting you! Where you end up at the end of this “rapid filing process” is where you will stay!   This is why it’s important to always keep your HSM mojo running at full power at all times, as you never know when a chance meeting (what I call your “best chance”) will turn into something cool and special.  You need to be walking around with your ‘tude locked and loaded at all times or Fate will have the last laugh.

Next time, follow the guidelines in the book and establish your potentially romantic interest in her right away to avoid all this time-wasting, enraging, bullshitting around.   You’ve learned a lesson here — take the data out and dump the emotion.   Write me all about your rage if you must — writing is therapeutic.   Leave her alone though — no nasty stuff.   How you react to her will be seen and gossiped about by other women in your social circle, and if you get a reputation as an irrational LSM hothead around the neighborhood / campus, you’re dead.   Be cool and move on.   This will enhance your reputation, instead of poisoning it.