The High Status Male

Hello Mike,

I had some spare time today, so I decided to arrange it so that I just happened to “bump into” this girl I like from night-school at the food court of a local mall.  With tray in hand, I approached, smiled and said “hi” and asked to join her table.  Her two kids were with her (7 and 4 yrs. old).  We talked for about 15 or 20 minutes, and covered lots of topics.  The conversation was not strained at any time, and she asked lots of questions of me as though she were truly interested (i.e.: about my work, travels, etc).  I put my hand on her shoulder when I made the original approach, but did not touch/grope any further during the conversation.  Lots of smiling and eye contact though.  Felt kinda bad tho, because I was stealing the attention away from her kids who looked kinda bored.  I tried to involve them, but they were shy and not very talkative.

When she started making motions to leave (like gathering up her purse and belongings), I said, “We should get together over coffee tomorrow and help each other study for our test Monday night” (french class).  She smiled and appeared somewhat smitten, but then said she had lots of cleaning to do while her kids were with their Dad for a visit.  So suggested the evening.  She said “OK, let’s meet up at Chapters (book store) at 6:00 PM, but if one of us can’t make it…” and she kinda shrugged her shoulders.  I said, “Well, how about we trade numbers?”  She smiled and replied something to the effect of, “well….let’s just leave it like this for now.”  I didn’t get a number.  Although female responses always puzzle the hell out of me.  Is this a positive or negative exchange, do you figure?

Do I concentrate on the studying/homework aspect of this get together, or make it obvious that it was just a ploy to see her alone?  Should I continue full steam ahead, or coast for a while?  And should I ask at the end of the meeting, “so would you like to exchange numbers/e-mail now?”, or try to arrange for another chit-chat without asking for her number?  Am I showing too much interest right now, and coming across too strong?

All the best,
Dan

Hi Dan,

I’ll tell you what the buzzword is with this woman… caution.

I’ve dealt with women who are on the rebound with kids.  The most important thing in their life IS their kids, and any man coming into her life must be willing to accept them without question.   And her fear right now is that no man will really be willing to do that.   She doesn’t trust men, plain and simple, especially since she’s been hurt by her ex no doubt.   She views any guy like yourself sniffing around her with the utmost suspicion as a “player” who just wants to bag her and then beat it out the door as fast as he can.   She doesn’t need to ever deal with guys like you, she thinks.   And not only that, she could’ve convinced herself that she doesn’t need any guy, PERIOD.   You have a tough hill to climb with this one — and that job will mainly be to win her trust.   She is in a place where she will have a hard time trusting any man now.  Damaged goods.

It’s great that you have a son of your own.  She’ll at least consider taking a guy like you into her life because you’ll seem to understand her own life more than some single “party” guy would.   She would also like to have a male friend in her life, but doesn’t know if she can trust one as a lover.   The half-n-half signals coming from her that you’re having trouble reading are due to this internal conflict, no doubt.

This type of woman will make you prove yourself by throwing up roadblocks and being standoffish towards your efforts to escalate a relationship every step along the way. She’s going to test your patience and raise her “price” far beyond what any chump who just wants to bang her and flee the scene would be willing to pay.   All these blocks are designed to discourage that guy who’s only after some quick tail.

Her initial resistance to these first moves you’re making are only the opening volley my friend, more awaits you.   Prepare to be further confused as you move deeper into her “test”.   She knows you’re interested, but that’s not good enough.   She needs to know if you’re really interested… in the whole package.   She wants to see if you’re committed enough to getting her into her life that you’re willing to move forward despite the absence of any clear positive signals from her.

At this meeting I would just lay it on the line and say that you’re interested in dating her.   Flush her out into the open.   Here’s what you’re going to get: a big lecture on how her kids are the center of her life, that any man in her life will have to accept that or hit the road, yada-yada.   Also, don’t expect her undying attention — ever — so you better not be some needy possessive jerk.

What you need to think about is NOT if and when you should ask her out (just clear the air and do it), but how you are going to answer the barrage of “trustworthiness” questions that you’re going to get hammered with once you do.   Whether or not she tentatively agrees to begin seeing you will depend upon how much she feels she can trust you to come into her life and 1) accept her and her life/kids, and 2) not hurt her like her ex just finished doing.   The game has deeper issues to contend with once you get involved with a woman who’s moved onto the motherhood phase of her life, and then lurched into single motherhood.